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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH making fun of me for being “thick”

164 replies

IneffableCat · 13/09/2024 09:56

DS thinks it’s hilarious. I’ll try to be brief - DH around a year ago made up a name for me, it’s a made up word to represent a “stupid” person. He used this word and mimicked my voice to act out what I do every day, added a “mentally challenged” sounding laugh for good measure. DS found it hilarious. I initially tried to laugh along and be a “good sport” however this continued for days and I had to tell him to stop.

He did stop but now DS (teen) is fixated (he’s on the spectrum) on the made up insult and calls me it from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He comes up to me and whispers it in my ear and does the “stupid” sounding laugh incessantly.

Last night I begged him to stop (told him it wasn’t appropriate to call me that) he was sarcastic in his response saying “aww, is little Mammy upset? Is she going to cry?” Etc.

I snapped at my husband then - told him this was all his fault and I was sick of hearing that stupid f?!ing word and stupid laugh. I really lost it. 😔

DH blamed DS for causing trouble and stirring but basically took no responsibility for having initially made up the insult.

For context - I am also on the spectrum, my processing times are slower than neurotypicals but I am not thick. I have been called “thick” in other environments in my life which my husband knows I’m sensitive about.

DH text saying that he’s sorry that DS keeps saying that word but I can’t keep blaming him.

OP posts:
Kittybluecat · 13/09/2024 15:05

Don't 'try' with or 'beg' your children.

Surprise50 · 13/09/2024 18:52

StopStartStop · 13/09/2024 12:54

Thank you for demonstrating so effectively that not all nds are decent sorts. Oh, you could try a neurotypical phrase... 'Don't be a dick'.

I’m so confused, I literally have no clue what your problem is?? ND or NT makes no difference. No need for stereotypical rubbish. Being ND doesn’t make you honest and doesn’t stop you from telling lies, just the same as being NT doesn’t make you honest and doesn’t stop you from telling lies.

StopStartStop · 13/09/2024 19:19

Surprise50 · 13/09/2024 18:52

I’m so confused, I literally have no clue what your problem is?? ND or NT makes no difference. No need for stereotypical rubbish. Being ND doesn’t make you honest and doesn’t stop you from telling lies, just the same as being NT doesn’t make you honest and doesn’t stop you from telling lies.

You want me to help you with your confusion? Don't be ridiculous.

jrc1071 · 15/09/2024 09:25

IneffableCat · 13/09/2024 11:10

Thanks for all your replies. I agree with them all, it really does feel like I’m being bullied in my own home. I will try immediate consequences for DS when he calls me that. He’s a gamer/loves his phone so having that taken away will have the most impact.

Those who asked how DH behaves in other aspects - what I have mentioned here is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s not actually one of the worst things he’s said or done to me.

DH is a STBEX - I am getting everything organised and plan to leave eventually. I have been in contact with Women’s Aid and am putting together a plan to safely leave DH. I did feel like just walking out last night but this isn’t feasible and I would look like the unreasonable one.

Just waiting for a property to go through and I’ll be gone thankfully.

Good on you!!! You should be proud that you have taken preparations and are mobilizing yourself when the time is right.

jrc1071 · 15/09/2024 09:27

Bangwam1 · 13/09/2024 12:05

No you can’t keep blaming your son, he’s right. In fact, now instead of the grotty husband taking the blame you can take the blame and guilt of feeling bad for calling your son out on it. Perfect.

Place the blame exactly where it belongs, but don’t expect a sorry, they never say sorry. The more upset you are, the more he enjoys it. Understand this.

I can already tell your husband is likely npd. He can abuse you by proxy now. Use autism to hyper focus and study what you’re dealing with because they never change, they get worse and then they discard you. Whilst they do this, they form your children into the same abuser they are.

Exactly. DH is turning DS into a flying monkey.

Surprise50 · 15/09/2024 12:00

StopStartStop · 13/09/2024 19:19

You want me to help you with your confusion? Don't be ridiculous.

I’m not asking for you to help me. I’m confused by your comments. Your very stereotypical comment was stupid .. being ND doesn’t make you honest and unable to lie. Thats all.

HelmholtzWatson · 15/09/2024 12:30

DH did something stupid and insensitive, and has apologised.

The issue now is between you and DS. Blaming DH won't resolve anything at this point.

LadyLucksalot · 15/09/2024 12:57

Oh OP. My heart goes out to you. You are worth so much more than being treated like this by your family. Summon all your strength to get everything in order much sooner than 'eventually'.

Life has so much more to offer you than being trapped with this horrible man and his viral nastiness.

May you have much more good fortune from this point onwards. Courage to you. x

Newmumatlast · 15/09/2024 13:02

Nothanks17 · 13/09/2024 10:02

As a neurodiverse person, there is a fine line between

-laughing with you about the traits or finding them endeering/cute/ something to admire with love that you are a bit different

-belittling the traits that you have already experienced prejudice against /laughing at your expense when you are not part of the joke

Its often its never meant to be like this and never purposeful just can become a habit, he loves you, he probably hasn't really how hurtful it is and isn't taking responsbility cause he has has to see the fruits of his horrible labour via your DS and probably feels shame

Na sorry, as a ND person I think he does know. Unless he has an issue with his own intelligence, he must realise. Just being ND doesn't mean you can't also be a price independent of that neurodivergence. I think that's the case with him

JHound · 15/09/2024 14:20

I am so sorry this is happening to you OP. Sounds like your DH AND DS are emotionally abusive. Your husband and you both need to present a strong front to your son to get him to stop but I suspect your husband is carrying on behind your back.

I know you say your son is on the spectrum but how much of his behaviour is due to that really? Would he do this with people outside of the home?

MrTiddlesTheCat · 15/09/2024 14:25

HelmholtzWatson · 15/09/2024 12:30

DH did something stupid and insensitive, and has apologised.

The issue now is between you and DS. Blaming DH won't resolve anything at this point.

What will resolve it is the DH taking responsibility and clearing up the mess he has created.

Nothanks17 · 16/09/2024 06:21

Newmumatlast · 15/09/2024 13:02

Na sorry, as a ND person I think he does know. Unless he has an issue with his own intelligence, he must realise. Just being ND doesn't mean you can't also be a price independent of that neurodivergence. I think that's the case with him

Hey, the ND person isn't him, it's OP. I probably didn't explain it well but I meant it as on the receiving end. I realise from reading the comments on here I am naive too. Eugh 😭

I agree though I think yes he knows what he is doing. I should have read more than the original post I thought it was one joke only.

Newmumatlast · 16/09/2024 06:37

Nothanks17 · 16/09/2024 06:21

Hey, the ND person isn't him, it's OP. I probably didn't explain it well but I meant it as on the receiving end. I realise from reading the comments on here I am naive too. Eugh 😭

I agree though I think yes he knows what he is doing. I should have read more than the original post I thought it was one joke only.

Oh so sorry! I misread the bit where she explained her son is on the spectrum as her husband being on the spectrum! Either way, husband sounds like an awful man and OP should really consider whether this is the relationship for her

Nothanks17 · 16/09/2024 07:49

Newmumatlast · 16/09/2024 06:37

Oh so sorry! I misread the bit where she explained her son is on the spectrum as her husband being on the spectrum! Either way, husband sounds like an awful man and OP should really consider whether this is the relationship for her

No worries at all 😅 I missed a lot too.

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