This is a really good post.
I’m autistic and I have two autistic DC, a DD and a DS. My DS is a really sweet, kind boy ( how his teachers described him, not just a mother’s biased view 😂 ) but a few times he’s come out with “aawww….let me play you a sad song on the world’s smallest violin.”
Turns out it’s a bloody line from SpongeBob SquarePants. My DS is 14 yrs but much younger developmentally, and he knows this line is in SpongeBob and “ funny “ - the problem is that he doesn’t have the social skills to understand when it’s appropriate and when it’s not. He’s struggling to understand why it’s supposed to be funny when it’s in SpongeBob but not funny when used in real life.
Also, there’s a thing within autism called echolalia which is where words, phrases, or sounds get “stuck” in the head and are repeated regularly, and often when inappropriate.
We don’t know where OP’s 12 yr old ND son is developmentally. He may have these words stuck in his head, or it may be a routine for him (which can be hard to break). He may not really understand what’s being said, or why it’s so unacceptable - especially as he’s seen it modelled by a trustworthy figure and then accepted and laughed about by OP (when she was trying to mask her feelings).
There may be other elements that are relevant too but the neurodivergence means you can’t simply dismiss the son as a “little shit” etc. He needs support to understand that this isn’t OK and boundaries in place to stop the behaviour. If you aren’t ND and don’t parent ND children, it might be hard to appreciate that things aren’t always as straightforward.
OP, is there something that your DS really treasures? A special interest that he’s very protective about? Or a really beloved Teddy or soft toy (quite common with ND kids, even teens!)?
If so, I would explain to your DS that mocking is unkind. Tell him it’s hurtful. Ask him how would he feel if you said <insert appropriate mocking comment about his favourite thing> Say you would never do that because it’s mean and spiteful. Tell him that Daddy shouldn’t be saying those things because they’re also mean. Keep it factual and unemotional. It will be easier for him to process.
If he says those words/sounds to you again, instantly shut it down unemotionally. “No thank you, I don’t want to hear that.” Physically walk away from him if you need to. You need to break the routine of him saying it and you responding emotionally. Sort of grey rock it every time it’s said.
If he continues, only you will know if he’s doing it deliberately and needs consequences, or whether it’s an echolalia that he’s struggling to shake.
Consistency and firmness are key. We don’t find consequences achieve much with our ND DC - but your DS may be different. For us, breaking a cycle and not giving the desired response, combined with a simplified explanation of why something isn’t acceptable, works the best. Removing privileges etc doesn’t break an autistic habit and doesn’t resolve the issue, at least that’s what we’ve found.
Glad you have an escape plan. You don’t deserve to be called thick or mocked because of neurodivergence. I hope you can get out soon - I think that will also improve things between you and your DS too. Would love to hear how you get on if you feel able to update 💐