DH making fun of me for being “thick”

[IneffableCat]

DS thinks it’s hilarious. I’ll try to be brief - DH around a year ago made up a name for me, it’s a made up word to represent a “stupid” person. He used this word and mimicked my voice to act out what I do every day, added a “mentally challenged” sounding laugh for good measure. DS found it hilarious. I initially tried to laugh along and be a “good sport” however this continued for days and I had to tell him to stop.

He did stop but now DS (teen) is fixated (he’s on the spectrum) on the made up insult and calls me it from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He comes up to me and whispers it in my ear and does the “stupid” sounding laugh incessantly.

Last night I begged him to stop (told him it wasn’t appropriate to call me that) he was sarcastic in his response saying “aww, is little Mammy upset? Is she going to cry?” Etc.

I snapped at my husband then - told him this was all his fault and I was sick of hearing that stupid f?!ing word and stupid laugh. I really lost it. 😔

DH blamed DS for causing trouble and stirring but basically took no responsibility for having initially made up the insult.

For context - I am also on the spectrum, my processing times are slower than neurotypicals but I am not thick. I have been called “thick” in other environments in my life which my husband knows I’m sensitive about.

DH text saying that he’s sorry that DS keeps saying that word but I can’t keep blaming him.

He’s only 12 (soon to be 13) so it would shared custody with ex and I couldn’t just leave him. Women’s Aid have mentioned counselling for children who witnessed DA. DS unfortunately is starting to copy DH’s actions and when corrected says - well, Daddy calls you names, why is it ok for Daddy to call you names etc?

Yes, it is actually really upsetting to read. I’m not easily shocked, but this behaviour is chilling. It’s just a horrible way to treat someone, and to not even stop when she is begging him to. It’s just not normal.

OP I’m not sure I would bother taking his phone and his game. He won’t understand that this is a consequence of his bullying, it will only give him more ammunition against you. It will drain you even more, and you need the energy to focus on removing yourself permanently from the situation instead.

And don’t beg him to stop. I might tell him calmly that if he continues you will call the police or social services, because he is abusing and harassing you.

What an absolute vile cunt. Many, many years ago when me and DH were in our 20s and just dating, he used to think it was funny to mock me when I did something daft or silly, or got something 'wrong.' I would be like >>> But it just spurred him on!.

I remember using the cutlery 'incorrectly' at a posh meal we went to this one time, and he pointed at me and laughed at how I was using the cutlery 'incorrectly' in front of 10 people at the table. Proper belly laughed at me and my 'stupidity.'

Everyone at the table was a bit bemused - like >>>😐and they didn't laugh, but it made me feel about 3 inches tall. This was about the 10th time he'd done something like this in the 12 or 13 months we had been dating. I felt like bursting into tears. I went outside and he followed me. I did burst into tears and said he was fucking horrible laughing at me and mocking me and I am sick of him doing it. I told him I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel like this.

He looked really ashen-faced, and said he was only joking and he didn't mean to upset me, and he was really sorry. He never did it again. Well occasionally, he would tease me a bit, but no more than I did to him. We have giggles and a bit of banter - but he has never made me feel stupid ever again.

I think if he had carried on doing it, I wouldn't have married him ... It's incredibly childish behaviour, so cruel and mocking and vile - especially when you're married with children, and he is getting THEM to laugh at you too. I don't very often say 'leave the bastard' @IneffableCat but this is a reason to leave. He's absolutely horrible ... Quite abusive actually.

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Just wanted to say that you DEFINITELY don't sound "thick". Quite the opposite actually.

Well done for making plans to leave this abusive relationship. Good luck! 🤞🏻

LTB.

Get out as fast as you can.

And use his toothbrush to clean the toilet a few times before you go.

God, your husband sounds vile

Tell your husband that your son copied him when he was being deliberately rude and insulting to you. Abusive in fact.
And that your son will copy him again, when, in front of your son, he makes a thoughtful, sincere and heartfelt apology, asking for forgiveness, -regretting his previous behaviour and promising to show nothing but respect and love to you in the future and never allowing that word or that false laugh in the house again because he knows you deserve a thousand times better than that. And then following through on that.

So tell your husband that if he really wants to stop his son continuing to bully you, he knows what he should do.

This is very upsetting to read. Your DH is far from D and needs divorcing.
As for a teenager acting like that ND or not it’s appalling and he needs to be reprimanded for it. Don’t make excuses for him.
Don’t put up with it OP.

Your husband is an abusive little shit, and now he has taught your son to abuse you too.

Abuse masked as having a laugh at others expense, likely a narcissistic person.

DH is a STBEX - I am getting everything organised and plan to leave eventually. I have been in contact with Women’s Aid and am putting together a plan to safely leave DH. I did feel like just walking out last night but this isn’t feasible and I would look like the unreasonable one.

Just waiting for a property to go through and I’ll be gone thankfully.

Best update I've read in a while. I'd to do this as quickly as you can, while staying safe.

Just like people who dish out unkindness are sensitive so the victim can't say anything back.

I would say though that you need to work on your son, with councillors as you suggest. He's witnessed abuse and is now copying that abuse. You want to do everything you can to make sure he doesn't reach adulthood thinking it's normal to abuse women.

I'd give them both a shock if it's possible and book into a hotel or b&b for a few days and tell them you're not willing to put up with their attitude any longer so will be leaving until they are willing to sincerely apologise and never do it again or anything like it.

Just seen the update. If that's what you need to do, then good for you. No way should you have to put up with a husband who can treat you this way.

You are going to have to fight hard to reeducate your son out of being your H’s mini me.

No you can’t keep blaming your son, he’s right. In fact, now instead of the grotty husband taking the blame you can take the blame and guilt of feeling bad for calling your son out on it. Perfect.

Place the blame exactly where it belongs, but don’t expect a sorry, they never say sorry. The more upset you are, the more he enjoys it. Understand this.

I can already tell your husband is likely npd. He can abuse you by proxy now. Use autism to hyper focus and study what you’re dealing with because they never change, they get worse and then they discard you. Whilst they do this, they form your children into the same abuser they are.

This might shock them into a realisation.
Pack a bag - it needs to be on a Friday night.
Tell them both - I want to talk to you both and I want you to remain silent while I speak.

Then express your hurt at the name calling, highlight all that you do for them and tell them that this insulting and degrading behaviour has to stop.

Tell them you are going away for the weekend and they can look after themselves. When you get back, you expect no repetition of this abusive behaviour.

Then leave them to it.

Really pleased to read your update, Op.

Hopefully once you've left your DH you can concentrate on helping ensure that your son treats you with the love and respect that you deserve.

They also like to call you thick/dumb. Do weird things like refuse eye contact (especially if say you are wearing a new dress and feel pretty) to make you feel worthless.

Blow hot and cold to keep you on your toes. Talk nasty behind your back.

Trying to get a narc to care about hurting you, impossible. As I said, they love hurting you. Sometimes you’ll even see a smirk when you’re crying.

You're not unreasonable to be fed up with this, op. Some comments are funny the first time but tiresome after a while. Next time you hear it, threaten both of them! They don't know their own strength and it is embarrassing if they say it in front of others.

Also look into the relationship between ND people and NPD. They hunt us down.

I hope you get out soon! Your husband sounds vile 🤬

That's appalling. Your husband sounds like a Neanderthal oaf!

Your son is the apple that hasn't fallen far from his fathers tree!

I would make this all on your husbands shoulders to ensure your son gets the message that this is completely unacceptable. Do not be seen as being the 'bad guy' in your child's eyes.

Then book a day or a weekend away from the pair of them, a spa or a hotel break etc.

Make it clear that when you come back they are both to respect you and never use that word or any other disrespectful word otherwise odd you go!

See how they like managing without you.

This is disgusting and cruel and unless your DH is prepared to make amends for this ASAP in a big way, I would be gone!!

That said I am a big fan of roasting people I know with insults and bitchy banter but there is a time and place and it can't come from a place of cruelty. It also has to be well timed to actually be funny and you have to be ready to accept it coming back in the other direction! It doesn't sound like this applies to your horrible son or husband.

They just blatantly disrespected you, that's' awful.

The next time your son undermines you, warn him to stop and if he does it again, take something he vales away from him for about 2 weeks.

Your husband is an idiot and he started it but your son has to learn some respect.