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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH making fun of me for being “thick”

164 replies

IneffableCat · 13/09/2024 09:56

DS thinks it’s hilarious. I’ll try to be brief - DH around a year ago made up a name for me, it’s a made up word to represent a “stupid” person. He used this word and mimicked my voice to act out what I do every day, added a “mentally challenged” sounding laugh for good measure. DS found it hilarious. I initially tried to laugh along and be a “good sport” however this continued for days and I had to tell him to stop.

He did stop but now DS (teen) is fixated (he’s on the spectrum) on the made up insult and calls me it from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He comes up to me and whispers it in my ear and does the “stupid” sounding laugh incessantly.

Last night I begged him to stop (told him it wasn’t appropriate to call me that) he was sarcastic in his response saying “aww, is little Mammy upset? Is she going to cry?” Etc.

I snapped at my husband then - told him this was all his fault and I was sick of hearing that stupid f?!ing word and stupid laugh. I really lost it. 😔

DH blamed DS for causing trouble and stirring but basically took no responsibility for having initially made up the insult.

For context - I am also on the spectrum, my processing times are slower than neurotypicals but I am not thick. I have been called “thick” in other environments in my life which my husband knows I’m sensitive about.

DH text saying that he’s sorry that DS keeps saying that word but I can’t keep blaming him.

OP posts:
YellowphantGrey · 13/09/2024 10:18

Changeiscomingthisyear · 13/09/2024 09:58

It’s a horrible thing to do. But for a year you’ve told them it’s fine. I think this has been caused by a lack of communication.

So you're saying it's the OPs fault?

She lives with two verbally abusive men and it's her fault for not speaking up?

Not her husbands fault for starting it, not her sons fault for continuing it and not her husbands fault for not supporting her when she does finally speak up and ask them to stop?

Righto

79pinkballoons · 13/09/2024 10:19

Your husband has taught your son that it's ok to bully you. Leave the husband, lay down the law with your son before he grows up to think it's ok to treat his own partner this way in the future.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 13/09/2024 10:20

That sounds horrible OP. I’d tell your DH that you’re not prepare to be ridiculed in your own home by your own family, and ask him to sit down with your DS and present a united front. He should be telling your DS that he (your DH), had been out of order with his ‘joke’ and that they both owe you an apology and stop this offensive behaviour. If your DH won’t do that, then I’d be seriously questioning the relationship.

craigth162 · 13/09/2024 10:24

Honestly id want to walk away and leave the pair of them to it. Can bully each other.

MonsteraMama · 13/09/2024 10:24

Your husband is a nasty little bully and he's doing a good job of turning your son into one too. ND is not an excuse for being a dickhead.

I don't normally advocate for ultimatums but it's time for one. Tell your husband he needs to take responsibility for his bullying in front of your son, explain why it's bullying and not "banter", apologise profusely and permanently remove the word and laugh from his (and your son's) vocabulary. If he doesn't do that, he'll find himself divorced because you can't and won't stay married to someone who doesn't respect you and thinks bullying someone is acceptable. Then follow through.

Honestly if it were me I'd skip all that and just divorce him, but I have a zero tolerance threshold for bullies and wankers.

DaniMontyRae · 13/09/2024 10:25

Stop doing anything for your son. You should have done that a year ago when he refused to stop insulting you.
Your dh is a dick for starting this but your son is to blame for the fact he has chosen to continue this for a year.

GreatBigCat · 13/09/2024 10:28

What nasty, nasty people you live with.

I would have left a year ago. I mean even if they stop now, so what, it’s too late. They have shown their true colours both of them. They are nasty bullies.

TheFlis · 13/09/2024 10:29

What a vile thing to do to someone you are supposed to love. I would find that hard to forgive, particularly as he is taking no responsibility and refusing to help resolve the situation.

GoldenLegend · 13/09/2024 10:29

Changeiscomingthisyear · 13/09/2024 09:58

It’s a horrible thing to do. But for a year you’ve told them it’s fine. I think this has been caused by a lack of communication.

Actually no. It’s caused by the husband making the name up in the first place.

ginasevern · 13/09/2024 10:29

This is terribly wrong. Your DH should profusely apologise in front of your son for his outrageously unkind, inappropriate and asinine behaviour. He should then sit your son down and tell him that it is never OK to mock, hurt or intimidate anyone - least of all his own mother. If I was you, I would then commence divorce proceedings against this thoroughly unpleasant, ableist bully.

EI12 · 13/09/2024 10:30

Unacceptable behaviour from husband and son - you say son is on the spectrum, but he does not call himself stupid, does he? Interesting how people on the spectrum get away with all sorts of things, but never do those things to themselves? Nip it in the bud!

GreatBigCat · 13/09/2024 10:31

EI12 · 13/09/2024 10:30

Unacceptable behaviour from husband and son - you say son is on the spectrum, but he does not call himself stupid, does he? Interesting how people on the spectrum get away with all sorts of things, but never do those things to themselves? Nip it in the bud!

This. It’s the perfect excuse to behave like an arsehole it seems.

Loooooo · 13/09/2024 10:31

Your husband and your son are horrible bullies. I would not be doing a single thing to help them in the house- cooking washing etc. they can sort themselves out. (This is age dependent on DS).

DeedlessIndeed · 13/09/2024 10:31

OP, I'd start handing out proper punishments.

DS calls you it again - no Wifi.
DS does the mimicking laugh - phone / gadget removed for a day.

And if DH so much as hints at playing along with DH I'd go and stay at my mums for the night / make him sleep on the sofa.

WinkyTinky · 13/09/2024 10:32

Oh god, this is awful. I am almost in tears at what your son is saying to you, as his behaviour has been encouraged by his loser of a dad. This is bullying and you need to divorce this man as soon as possible, and tell your son in no uncertain terms that this is completely unacceptable. I hope your son will understand how wrong this is and that he can turn his life around. Your husband is beyond help. You deserve so much better than this, OP.

WeeOrcadian · 13/09/2024 10:32

Your H is a bully and this is abuse

Consider your life choices here OP, seriously decide if you want to continue to live like this

42tabsaday · 13/09/2024 10:33

You are surrounded by horrible males.
I'm really shocked that both your dh and your ds think upsetting you is funny. I would be going on strike and I wouldn't be taking any shit from either of them...and I would not be allowing my ds to blame my dh - they both need to own it and bloody stop!

Sparklywhiteteeth · 13/09/2024 10:34

Your husband is the issue here, particularly as your son is telling you your husband calls you this behind your back. I’d put good money he’s not lying.

is this the only way this man has abused you?

StopStartStop · 13/09/2024 10:36

Divorce. Move out asap. Neither of them speaks to you or takes any of your time unless they are absolutely polite and courteous throughout. Every disrespectful word chips a bit off your self-esteem and this has been going on for ages. I'm so angry at them and so hurt on your behalf (I'm Audhd, too much empathy ;) ).

I'm serious though. Save yourself. The fucking bastards.

Frogglingalong · 13/09/2024 10:36

Appalling. Start referring to your "D"H solely as c*ntface, both in private and public. Hope the son catches on.

Jenasaurus · 13/09/2024 10:37

I feel sorry for you OP, and can see its hard because your DS is in his mind following your DHs behaviour and feels its acceptable which it isn't.

When I was younger my Ex would get 2 dinner plates and put them behind each of his buttocks and wobble side to side pretending he couldn't get in the door way as his bum was so big, telling the DC at the time, this is your mum! he found it hilarious, and the DC laughed but I was very hurt at the time and now he is an Ex, not for that reason but that was part of who he was.

Getting cheap laughs at the expense of someone else isn't on and as an adult your DH should know better.

Pat888 · 13/09/2024 10:37

I’m not sure how you stop someone on the spectrum from repeating stuff maybe the special needs thread can help. I work with someone like this -he is obsessed with Donald Trump and constantly repeats phrases - talks them at you, interrupts others’ chat.

EI12 · 13/09/2024 10:39

GreatBigCat · 13/09/2024 10:31

This. It’s the perfect excuse to behave like an arsehole it seems.

Speaking from unpleasant bitter experience. Ds was spat on in prep school. He complained to the teacher, teacher spoke to the boy, to the parents, who said boy was on the spectrum, spitting continued. Teacher continued to reprimand little boy, spitting continued. Dh had a word with our ds, ds beat the proverbial shit out of the boy, miraculously the spitting stopped, stopped fully, not just in relation to ds, but to other children as well. Amazing how on the spectrum disorders can be swiftly cured, if one puts one's mind to it.

StopStartStop · 13/09/2024 10:40

DS says that DH continues to call me it when I’m not around which DH denies.
DH is a liar. An abusive, woman-hating liar.
DS if 'on the spectrum' (terrible phrase, find another. What's his diagnosis?) will not be lying. We only lie if we really have to. Or for a particular game. Usually, almost always, we are very honest.

BunnyLake · 13/09/2024 10:40

No more laughing, no more bantering. You put your foot down now! One more of it and I’d be secretly booking myself a trip somewhere and leaving them a note telling them you’re done. They behave or you won’t be back.

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