Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

It’s not about the cat. The only important thing here is the relationship and dynamic between you and your DC.

Lots of PP have mentioned pursuing individual and family therapy and the importance of understanding emotional validation - but you haven’t seemed to respond to any of these points?

You say you are struggling, you’ve had a traumatic relationship- don’t you think you and your children deserve mental health and wellbeing?

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse?

This triggers me massively too, my dad was a stonewaller/gaslighter and so was an ex of mine. I can't deal with it at all and would never again be in a relationship with someone who did it because it is something that causes me immense distress.

So I can understand why you feel abused because you're having a trauma response, but I don't think that that means that she is abusing you.

I say 'abusing me'as she's frequently shouting at me amd giving me attitude and silent treatment

Of course a teenager can be abusive but there would be a threshold and a lot of that stuff is normal and common and teenagers grow out of it.

What did she witness when you were with her dad?

I think there's a few things here op.

Firstly, you weren't managing the cat. It was doing your head in and you didn't want it in your house. Fair enough. You'll know for again that you are not a pet person and next time you will just say no straight away. Sometimes we need to make crappy decisions as parents to keep on top of things. This has been one of them.

Secondly, yes your choice of language was too much in describing your 13 year old as abusing you when she's having a sulk. However, that's your past trauma talking. Her behaviour has been triggering for you and you're finding that emotionally difficult. That in itself is normal and natural, but you need to take charge of it and get in front of it before you're parenting from a triggered place rather than from a grounded place. That means going for counselling/speaking to a support worker/ doing meditation or writing things down or whatever self care works for you. It also means stepping back and reminding yourself that you are the adult parent in this scenario. She is not your ex. She is an innocent child. And you are in control of what happens in your home.

Thirdly I think you could maybe use some more tools in your kit to lean on for moments like this when you feel triggered so you're not doubting yourself as a parent, or doubting her intentions. Your ex abused you because he wanted to and because he could. She's a child, in the middle of puberty, who's lost a pet and has a parent who cannot safely and appropriately Co parent. That's going to be a lot for her. It's going to be confusing and at times upsetting. You have to be her safe place which means you need to see HER in the midst of her behaviour.

It sounds like you need to put yourself in the driving seat in your home op. You need to set clear boundaries with your children. No means no in your house. Everyone pitches in together. If you don't play nicely with each other there will be reasonable consequences. If you're finding that hard then a parenting advice service might be a good shout, there's a few good helplines out there.

You sound really cold hearted about this. Have you even considered that your 13 year old may have loved the cat and be genuinely distraught that you gave it away?

I can't imagine how upset I would have been as a young teenager if my Mum had given away the family pet. I'm not sure I would have ever forgiven her but hey, make it all about yourself and how 'abusive' your child is being 🙄

Just to give you some perspective to what your DD may be feeling. I went on holiday when I was 16 years old. When I returned, my mum had rehomed my dog without talking to me about it. It hurt me so much and even now when I think about it, it's not very pleasant (I'm 41 now).

Your DD is just coming into that age where hormones kick in and the mood swings start. It's a really strange time for girls because they are feeling all these new emotions and may not understand why they feel so irritated or angry about things. Having raised 2 daughters, (both now 20 and 18), I can say that your DD's behaviour is fairly normal for her age in relation to being angry and upset.

Begging her to talk to you is not going to help in this situation. It's giving her the power because she has the control. If it was me, I would carry on as normal. Talk to her as normal, in a normal tone, such as saying things like, "What would you like for dinner?" Then if she doesn't reply, you could just say, "I guess I could make jacket potatoes". If she wants something different then she will have to let you know by talking. As awful as it sounds, once teenagers know you aren't bothered by what they are doing, they soon stop doing it.

When she does start talking again, try calmly and lovingly talking to her about how she is feeling. Maybe plan an activity that she really enjoys that you could both do together so you have some one to one quality time.

It won't last forever and she will be talking to you again soon.

I've told her I know she's sad = validation

and I've explained the reasoning = dismissal (undermines the previous validation)

and what I would really like is for her to communicate = giving her instructions on how to piss you off, she now knows the silence is bothering you so she will continue it because she has no other power

When you try to keep explaining why the action someone is upset about is in fact the right thing, you are sending the message that their feelings are therefore wrong. She didn’t think giving the cat away is the right thing. She’s upset. That’s it. You don’t need to argue you case or win or convince her to be OK with it. Her emotions are hers, not yours to manage.

The OP lives on a dangerous road, which is a good enough reason in itself. As for those who think a cat doesn't need much care, they can’t be cat lovers! Cats need a lot of love and care and if the OP couldn’t give the cat the care it deserved, she did the right thing!

Did it not occur to you that even tho it may have been an incontinent old cat that your daughter may have loved it dearly and you seem utterly devoid of remorse and oblivious to the distress you caused your daughter. I feel really sorry for her. Your more concerned about your own feelings then hers. Your entitled to make the decision you did regarding rehoming but at least try and act a little bit sorry about it even if your not

I have read your posts and can see why you needed to rehome the cat. So now you need to own your decision. Stop begging yur daughter to be okay with you (that's a little weird). Let her be angry. You can tell her it's not okay to give silent treatment or yell at you. But she doesn't need to reassure you that she's okay with you!
It sounds like you need to work on your own conviction. Some previous posters went overboard saying you were narc/abusive. But I do think you sound deeply insecure. You're the leader of your house, so make a decision, stick to it,and don't worry if not everyone agrees with you.

Ignore some people on here Op, it’s easy to say you’ll clean up cat piss and shit happily for ever more…actually having to do it is a different matter. It’s extremely unhygienic for one thing.

There are some holier than thou types on here who think that being a woman and being a parent mean you have to be a martyr and just put up and shut up - you don’t. @purpleRainfalling

I’d be really upset if my mum had given away a family pet when I was a teenager!

We have a cat who is so much a part of our family and my now grown dses would be devastated if I just gave her away, as would DH who never wanted a cat in the first place!

I think your Dd is expressing herself in one of the only ways she feels able and it is obviously working as it is getting to you!

It’s not about the cat. You made a decision it couldn’t remain in the home. Whether she disagrees or not, you’re the adult and your daughter is the child. She is not behaving very well at all but to be honest, neither are you.
You have adopted a victim mentality on here.
Your child is not behaving appropriately, it’s likely due to emotions but she needs support in dealing with her emotions and knowing she cannot behave like this.
Forget the psycho babble, don’t talk about “abuse” and “silent treatment “. Your child is acting in a way you don’t like and needs to be addressed. Help her.

Also op, I think it's important to say that even after an abusive relationship it takes a long time to feel self assured and confident in the decisions you make because there's usually been so much gaslighting and emotional abuse happening to disorientate and control you. So I think what's happening here is that you're doubting yourself too much which your children can see, and like any child would, they are using that (not maliciously just curiously) to try and get what they want. Your dd wearing you down on the cat is actually a perfect example of this. All the justification you're giving here as to why you had to rehome the cat is another. This is totally normal and you're not the first person to go through this... but you do need to do some work on yourself to rebuild that confidence in your own decision making. And you will get there.

It’s a cat. They require zero effort. You feed them. That’s it.

id rather loose a limb than one of my cats.

@TorghunKhan

read Op‘s posts.

Completely disagree that explaining the reasoning is undermining the previous validation.
Explanations are important.

Poor kid and poor cat, at least the cat is somewhere where it is appreciated now, as it sounds like you treated it appallingly.

Sounds like she is very upset about the cat going. It doesn't matter that she didn't want the cat in her room, it's the fact she got used to the cat being there and now it's gone. She might also be disappointed and upset that you could just give up a pet like that and question why you would. DH and I both work full time with 2 DC and we have a cat and they are not hard to take care of. It's the reason we don't have a dog as we would have loved one but know they are far more demanding. Yes cats do need strokes, attention and care for feeding etc but they are in fact the easiest pets. I have had fish and hamsters and cleaning cages and tanks are far more work. My cat goes in the garden, buries her poo and no problem. Children also aren't mature enough to express their upset in the way adults do.

Explanations for our decisions as parents are important. But there's a difference between explaining our decisions and then allowing our children space to have their own feelings - including negative ones - about those decisions versus using repeated explanations to try to convince our children to feel a different way or agree we were right. A lot of people struggle with that distinction, but it's an important one, and OP sounds like she's doing the latter not the former.

I think it's abusive to sell your 13 year olds cat and then force her to behave cordially with you.

She has the right to non violent protest lol. She hasn't screamed, shouted or sworn. She hasn't done anything outside of not wanting to talk to you. She doesn't owe you conversation or nicety, especially when you have done something that upsets her.

For what it's worth I'd not speak to you either if you sold my cat.

Ignore her back until it seems ridiculous.

You live in the same house. Eventually you’ll both have to break the lack of communication.

Whatever your reasons you ‘got rid’ of an animal she loves and a week later you’re saying she’s ’abusing you’ because she’s upset and doesn’t want to talk to you. I’m sorry about your past trauma I really am but she sounds like a typical teen who is very hurt and you sound far less mature than she is!

Yes, exactly @AGoingConcern. This is what I meant @kkloo

Coincidentally, over explaining is usually caused by the explainers unhealthy need for validation.

An excellent post.

@Anotherparkingthread

“She doesn't owe you conversation or nicety,”

what ever? Of course, kids owe their parents that!