Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

Having a pet rehomed as a child is one of the most traumatic things they can go through.

They are grieving the loss of their pet but also it’s not as simple as a death, their mum has chosen to take it away.

A 13yo cannot grasp the implications of owning a pet and all they see is their mum has taken their pet away from them, which is heart breaking.

Its very difficult to read that you think your child being sad is them abusing you and then blaming the 17yo for making you get the cat.

Gently, you need to stop playing the victim.

If your child is rude then call them out on it and explain how hard it was for you to make that decision but don’t dismiss their genuine feelings or act like you’re the one being abused/being hard done by.

You had your reasons to deal with the situation and the cat has gone to a good home. I completely understand your daughter is upset, but I would absolutely not accept the way she is dealing with this. She’s had a few days of sulking/silent treatment/shouting (or was the shouting another time). So maybe wait until the weekend, then sit her down, acknowledge her loss and then tell her to deal with this differently (not: to ‘get over it’ as that may take a lot longer) and that silent treatments will not be tolerated in your house any longer; with x, y and z as consequences if she continues. Stay strong, OP, it’s simply not acceptable behaviour.

It's not abuse, but your DD should speak to you civilly. It is understandable she's very upset but she needs to treat you with respect.

However, you took on a pet too lightly and you were unlucky the cat turned out to need more attention than usual. It's a hard lesson that you have to be prepared to train a cat

I have 2 cats, but it was a conscious decision to wait until the youngest was 5 before we got the first, and I was willing to take on the responsibility and expense. Yes, generally cats are easy, but some need training, or taking to the vets - one took a LOT of training to lose the litter tray. So I agree they are easy as a rule but you still need to be prepared for the fact they might not be.

I agree. I’m surprised you don’t seem to realise how upsetting it is to have a pet given away.

She's giving you attitude and silent behaviour because she's thirteen! Did you never slam a door, stomp upstairs, talk back as a teenager if not you are in a very small minority. You are the adult and she's a child who clearly is not yet able to manage her emotions it's your responsibility to love her, demonstrate how to deal with big emotions and teach her how to do ot. This can be done whilst simultaneously letting her know her behaviour is not acceptable and will have consequences, I think the biggest concern is that you are projecting your feelings you have about her father onto her...this won't end well and is unfair to her.

What do you expect honestly, how awful for a pre-teen to have a beloved cat given away, thats horrible. Cats are hardly any trouble and you sound mean.

A 13 year old sulking at a parent because they are upset and having “attitude”, probably because they are angry is not abusive.

As a parent you rise above it, you ask them to communicate in a civil manner, you continue to communicate yourself in a civil way and let them know you are open to discussing when they are ready to talk (if they want)

As others have said teenagers brains go through a huge amount of change, including the areas that regulate emotion. Then add in hormone fluctuations which can massively affect mood and even the calmest children can end up stroppy, angry and irritable. Then something big upsets them like giving away a pet, of course there will be a reaction. It’s not abuse.

Has your daughter had therapy OP? Does she have someone she can be open with and talk to? Reading through your posts it sounds like she has been through a lot. You and her dad aren't together, he was abusive. You had a baby with another man, did he move in before you got pregnant, did she know him? He's not around any more. You got a cat, can't cope with a pet so I presume are struggling a lot with day to day life. You then got rid of the cat without asking her opinion. You are begging her to talk to you which much be pretty weird and possibly a bit scary for a teen to witness, an adult disrespecting themselves like that. It all sounds very chaotic and out of your dds control. Perhaps she is giving you the silent treatment to try and regain some of kind of control in her life.

New relationships, new sibling, relationships ending, new pet, pet given away. It's a lot of change and a lot to expect a child to deal with.

If you think cats don’t need care you clearly haven’t owned one.

I suspect the fact that this particular child is the only one who speaks to her dad has got everything to do with why the OP is focusing on her as 'abusive.' This is the child she can't control/who sets boundaries, who is probably the scapegoat in the narcissistic triangle.

Absolutely insane that people have decided you’re a narcissist 😆 only on mumsnet !

First, this isn’t abuse. Using that term is concerning because it suggests you don’t have a great grip on the actual power structure or the roles of a parent and their 13 year old. She’s not your peer or partner or superior. She’s a much more vulnerable person who depends on you immensely.

It is not our children’s job to validate our parenting decisions.Your child is upset because their pet has been given away against their wishes. Her being upset and angry is a completely reasonable reaction to this regardless of how reasonable your decision was. Your job as a parent is to recognize those feelings and support her working through them in an appropriate way. That means setting boundaries for how she treats people without trying to control how she feels. “I know you’re unhappy with my decision to find a new home for Fluffy. My job as a mom is to make the best choices I can for our family and that’s what I did. You can be upset with me, but you may not shout at me or anyone else in this house and you need to answer politely when I speak to you or ask you a question.” Don’t try to force her to pretend she’s not upset - if she wants to spend extra quiet time in her room or isn’t interested in a bunch of chat or going on fun outings with you that’s fine. But she needs to respond civilly to your asking whether she’s done her school work and ask you politely to pass the peas.

Don’t beg or force her to talk to you, but do give her opportunities to talk to you about her feelings about the cat being gone without you arguing, being defensive, or dismissing her - just listen and mirror back so she knows you understand. If she starts yelling or calling your names then tell her “I want to listen to what you have to say and how you’re feeling when you can do that without yelling or name calling.” Don’t open your decision up for debate and don’t try to get her to agree you were right. And if she doesn’t want to talk about it, tell her. “Ok sweetie, I’m here if that changes. Dinner will be ready in about 20 minutes.”

I try not to respond to posts with a flippant “get counseling” but if you’re finding thoughts/feelings about your past romantic relationships (or your own childhood) coming up in in strong ways in your parenting then I’d really consider it. It’s one of the best things I did for my children (and my DH and myself), honestly. Look for someone who has a focus on parenting.

@AnonymousBleep no she's the only one who he's chosen to have contact with.. and he often tells her how bad of a mum I and he told her a year ago I don't care about her now she's older so your wrong !!!

I think this is amazing advice for the OP and her family - very balanced

Discipline for the attitude and ignore the silent treatment. God I'd love my kids to stop talking to me for a week. 😆

And yes people will judge me for rehoming him but the last straw for me was when we was getting a new bathroom fitted by the council. The council manager came every couple of days to check the work was progressing as it should so I sent her straight up and I didn't follow. After she left I went straight up myself and saw cat poo in our new bath so she would have seen it before i saw it and before I could clean it
That was embarrassing and I felt dirty and disgusting
It was me cleaning up after it and heaving. Maybe other people are OK with this but I'm not. Everyone's tolerance levels are different and I feel like om justifying my decision now

It's very worrying that you're describing a completely normal upset teenager as "abusive", and that you're tying it in with the fact that she's in contact with her father. You really need to stop thinking like this. It's extremely damaging when a mother treats a child differently because they remind her of their father.

I would have been devastated beyond words if my parents had given away a pet when I was thirteen. I'm not surprised she's stopped talking to you.

My cat roams around outside, climbs the fence, sunbathes on my sun lounger and only comes in for food. No trouble at all. I can see that your situation is different though. Yours seems to be an indoor cat with all the problems associated with that. Litter trays in particular. Maybe the cat was just wanting to go out. You've probably done the right thing by rehoming. Hopefully he's happy now.

This.

sounds like your DD has some deep wounds. Maybe family therapy or at least taking her out for dinner to talk to her one to one to see what’s going on in her world.

You are the parent. She's a child. She may be 13 but she's still a child. And just because she disagrees with you doesn't actually make her wrong. It's perfectly possible for two people to hold different views at the same time. She's upset because you rehomed a cat she was fond of. That's a reasonable thing to feel. She isn't abusive. That's completely ridiculous. She's upset and cross.

Is this a wind up?

YABU and cruel to not only abandon a low-maintenance pet that you've made a commitment to, but shame your (much more compassionate) daughter for her feelings. Poor girl, my heart goes out to her.

How can you underestimate the responsibility of a cat?! You research it before carefully deciding if you’re committed to looking after it for its whole life. Thats how pet ownership works.

Another living thing that gets treated like a disposable possession. Please don’t ever get another pet.

i am glad the cat has a new home where it is safe from the road op

Don't ever get another cat, or any other pet. What a drama you made of it.

And goodness only knows what you did to traumatise the cat so badly that it was defecating urinating everywhere. Possibly he or she (it is a horrible way to describe a cat) got fed up of the " constant fleaing and worming"