Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

Oh my god. The Op did the responsible thing for the cat. It's done now and she had valid reasons for it.

@purpleRainfalling Sorry that everyone jumped on you. You need to get your confidence back as a previous poster mentioned and stop doubting yourself.

I would try a different approach with your DD. Try just smiling at her and praising her when she says or does anything nice.

Completely ignore the horrible behaviour. When you react to her bad behaviour you fuel her perception of you (as per her dad). Be nice and kind.

It will take time, but I do think you can win her back. Just don't try too hard. No more begging.

Most of the people I know who's parents thought that now have kids who are completely no contact. I am myself on low contact with my family and they haven't even done anything wrong, I just find them too demanding.

I've got one friend who's mother begs for information on him and how he's doing if she sees me in town. He hasn't spoken to her 15 plus years.

Kids owe their parents nothing. They did not ask to be born.

Healthy relationships come from mutual respect (which is modeled by the adult), not a sense of debt or obligation

@TawnyHabenero

you didn’t ask to be born either so I presume you don’t do anything for your parents? No birthday presents , helping them out when you can, phoning them for a chat etc etc

@Anotherparkingthread

no such thing as a perfect parent. Seems a bit harsh to cut off your parents just cos you find them demanding. We all have flaws.

why did your friend go no contact? If his mother forgot his existence and never mentioned his name - would that be preferable? No, she’d probably be thought of as cold and callous if she did that.

Women (especially mothers) just can’t win!

She's upset you gave away the cat and she doesn't know how else to express it. Perhaps she feels that being silent is better than arguing. You could have asked the children to help out more with the cat before making the decision to rehome (kids, please help me with chores or we might need to rehome the cat because the litter tray is quite a bit of work), BUT it sounds like the poor cat was really stressed out and will do better in its new home, weeing everywhere is a classic sign of stress. If the new owners are giving you updates then share them with your daughter. I know the people we rehomed our cat from take a lot of comfort from the updates even 2 years on.

Can I ask

you seem very overwhelmed and struggling, have you spoken to your GP?

13 year olds are dicks. There, I said it, she will prob be milking it, they’re walking talking bags of hormones

from a mum of a 15, year old who does the same thing!!!

It's not about being a perfect parent. I am simply very busy and a combination of past disappointment (though actually nothing as bad as selling my cat!) and current demanding nature (she's unwell) mean that I would rather spend my limited free time with people I chose, not who I just happen to be related to. Being a child to somebody doesn't you are obligated in any way, being a mother does at least to a point.

He went no contact after she kicked him out one night when he was 15. She said a few things she shouldn't have and he literally hasn't spoken a word to her since. He didn't go into care he sofa surfed and managed to get a job. It's rude and assuming that she thinks she might get information through me, frankly if he wanted her to know he would tell her himself. She made her bed she can lie in it.

It isn't an 'oh no poor mothers can't win' situation. It's a case of actions having very real consequences and while the parents love for a child may be unconditional the love a child feels for a parent is much less so. Just because op can try to force her daughter to behave cordially now in the short term, doesn't mean it has any bearing on what she can force her daughter to do when she becomes an adult. Her daughter will be able to make her own choices and my suspicion is that one of them will be to distance herself from her mother.

Knew a recently single mum who regimed their dog for same reasons . Teenage son was similarly upset. He said ‘you got rid of my dad now you’ve got rid of my dog too’. Perhaps there’s a bit of this going on in her mind. Could she feel like you get rid of people/things if it doesn’t work for you regardless of how it effects her? We can understand entirely why but she’s too young and naïve to ?

@Anotherparkingthread

OR…OP’s daughter as she gets older may realise it’s unfair for her mother to have to keep cleaning cat piss and shit out of the bath day in day out, and have some empathy and compassion for her?

A reply of the exact calibre I have come to expect on this site.

@Anotherparkingthread

hmm… are you not sure what else to say as you know I have a fair point?

Just wondering how much time a cat can take up, I’ve had 3 at once, worked full time with two under 5’s. You rehomed her cat, something she loved dearly and was no doubt emotionally attached to. Silent treatment is going easy on you. Think about what you’ve just put your DD through and the emotional damage you’ve done? She’s clearly processing this. Pets are part of the family and you’re clearly not an animal person which is why I think you did what you did quite easily then came on here to sulk feeling badly done to because you’re daughter has well and truly seen it with you.

Teenagers tend to have a very sensitive injustice trigger, and they don't have the life experience to be able to apply nuance. She probably has a very black and white view of the commitment of taking on an animal, and you have let her down by not living up to that standard. Teenagers also tend to live in a constant state of frustration that they don't get to make the decisions and have to put up with being 'done to' by adults they no longer consider infallible (or even competent 😂)

Let her have her space to sulk. This is all part of her growing up and learning that the world isn't perfect and people won't always behave the way she thinks they should. I wouldn't tolerate rudeness or aggression, but choosing not to talk or engage is pretty much the only form of control she has, so let her have it.

I think you should try to shut down this connection you've formed between her sulking and her father's emotional abuse. Abusive adults do have certain traits in common with angry teenagers, but it's the teenager who is behaving within the normal range. Her brain isn't supposed to be fully developed yet. It may look the same, but it isn't.

No, it is not possible for a 13 year old to abuse an adult. You seriously need some counselling.

This absolutely . When I was a child my controlling narc father did this to me and it still plays on my mind 30 years on .Leave her be she is upset and this is her way of dealing with it. Put yourself in her shoes.

Your 13 year old can't verbalise her feelings.
Is she autistic by any chance?
She may have really liked that cat.
Maybe she feels nobody understands her and the cat did.
It's tough being 13 and trying to be allied to two estranged parents. Quite a job she's taken on for herself. She must feel pulled apart at the seams sometimes.

Have you tried to talk to her in gentle tones?

You are the parent so you can't take this personally but instead try to communicate with her. Keep reaching out and acting normal with her.
Show her your love even if she's being an arse.
Because sometimes a kid gets stuck in a huff and cannot get out of it on their own.

Based on your update, you did the right thing rehoming the cat. The cat was telling you that it wasn’t happy in your house. Give the 13year old time.

Doubt you've ever had a cat have you? Vets bills, fussy eaters, bringing in mice, walking on the worktops, shedding hair, scratching without warning, vomiting behind the settee, shredding furniture, litter tray - they might be slightly more independent than a dog but that has it's downside too!

I think you should just ignore her too, I’m sure she’ll need you before you need her! Pandering to that type of behaviour never ends well IMO.

I think you’d benefit from some emotional support/therapy to deal with the trauma from your past relationship. I think you are projecting his behaviour on her, she’s a child upset about a decision outside her control. She’s not abusing you.

Sounds like you made the right decision to get rid of the cat.

I bet your daughter wasn't doing much of the cleaning up when it pissed and crapped everywhere?

Your 13 year old is definitely exhibiting learned behaviour from her Dad. You can't control that aside from sanctions / removing her phone (recommended) or grounding her.

However you absolutely can control your reaction. That is the only thing you can control in this situation.

Don't beg, don't plead.

Ignore her behaviour as much as possible. Easier said that done, I know when they are pushing your buttons like that...just recognise it for what it is.

Is the silent treatment from your child abusive? No. I'd say it was being a moody teenager. On the other hand, I would have been incredibly upset at that age if my parents had rehomed a pet against my wishes.

A child can't abuse an adult.

The power difference possibly means that she's demonstrating her opinion in the only way she has.

If every parent of a teenager who stopped talking to them said they were abused, things would grind to a halt.

You might guess I’m a cat person. Ideally, you should have found out more about the cat before taking him on eg was he litter-tray trained?
Also, you might have considered the traffic being an issue with the cat when you moved.
However, you may have been told he would use the litter tray and moving next to a busy road may have been unavoidable.
You are right to protect him from escaping onto a dangerous road, but an ‘indoor’ cat is a big responsibility. Most people who decide to keep their cat indoors create a boundary around their garden and often build a catio to entertain their cat, but it’s costly and requires time and resources.
I do sympathise with you. When you had the cat your home was in a safer location. You’ve done the responsible thing in re-homing him away from a dangerous road where he can wonder safely and with a living family.
I wouldn’t waste another moment being embarrassed about the cat poo in the bath! The guy has probably seen a lot worse in his job!
Don’t punish yourself about what you’ve done, but be sympathetic to your 13 year old who is,understandably upset. I would have been at thirteen and I would still be upset now if I had to give up one of my cats. Show your DD some extra love and understanding and explain the concerns that lead you to re-home the cat.