Is this silent treatment from my 13 year old abusive?

[purpleRainfalling]

So background story. We had a cat for about a year. It was my 17 year olds cat she got from a friend. It got too overwhelming me taking care of a pet when no one was helping and I have young children to take care of and I under estimated the responsibility when i agreed to the 17 year old that she can bring the cat home and everyone else was out of the house all day and i was left with the cat and as I have to try to find a job now that my daughter is starting 15 hours nursery I won't have time for the cat.

So I discussed with the 17 year old about rehoming and she understood. The other children were sad but adapted BUT the 13 year old is milking it. She is giving me silent treatment won't communicate with me and gives me massive attitude when she HAS to communicate with me

I feel very triggered as this is what her dad was like with me and she's the only one of my children who's in contact with her dad.

AiBU to feel like she's abusing me and using the cat rehoming as an excuse? There were times she didn't even want the cat in her room.

I've begged her to 'be OK with me'and it reminded me of when I used to beg her dad to be ok with me when he gave me the silent treatment

I'm so very anxious and sad

Hi op,

no she isn’t abusing you. You were left hurt after an abusive relationship.

she may acts like her dad. She isn’t her dad though.

Please, put a boundary down quickly and let her know that she can’t soeak to you only when she wants something but that she has to answer nicely when you talk to her. If she wants to be quiet the rest of the time…it is her choice op. Let her and speak to the others. She will move on to the next thing when she sees it doesn’t work anymore.

Good luck 🌺

Overwhelming to take care of a cat? One of the easier animals to look after.please don’t have any more animals.they need forever homes.!

I'm genuinely disturbed at how lightly the word "abuse" is being used nowadays. I'm at the point where, if someone describes their ex as abusive, I take it with a large dose of salt - because "abusive" may just mean "we had an argument once". Which is unfortunate, because it means victims of actual abuse are going to be taken less seriously. If teenagers are now being labelled abusive by their own parents for expressing perfectly valid emotions... words fail me.

I haven’t read past your original post, but if my mum had of given away our family pet I probably wouldn’t have spoken to her either. She’s hurting. Stop projecting.

Would it have been an option of possibly for her to keep the cat by taking it to her fathers? If so maybe you should have let her do that but at the end of the day if she wasn't prepared to help with the cat she should move on and accept that it had to go.

Couldnt agree more, the poor children.

You gave away a family member and gave a terrible example to your children that it’s fine to take on animals and then give them away when you CBA. Yes YABVU.

I know what you mean, it's the spouting of the 'happy mum=happy kids' 'as long as you're doing what you want your kids need to learn that's what matters' 'so what if you want to move 350 miles and change schools, if YOURE settled, they need to learn to come around'....

OP you have my sympathies. It wasn’t your pet. It was your 17 year old’s pet & she wasn’t taking care of it. Of course you should re-home it…it’s not a question of what it does - not being litter trained is part of it - it’s irrelevant. It’s not your pet. As far as your DC giving you the silent treatment & being rude to you goes … don’t accept it. I’d suggest a serious discussion & a dialogue regarding consequences if this behaviour continues.

Don't use the word abusing when what it is is sulking.
She is not your ex.

You are acting like a child. First, your comments about the care the cat required are bizarre. You got rid of a pet without telling her. How do you think she should react. You are the adult. You get to live with the consequences of a decision poorly reasoned and even more poorly communicated.

But there are wider issues when you think your 13 year old is "abusing you" for not speaking to you.

I think it would be helpful for both your daughter and yourself if you read up a bit about borderline personality disorder and undergone some therapy. I find it alarming that you think a cat is too much work and that your 13 year old is finding excuses to abuse you, but that’s neither here nor there.

She is not abusive. She is reacting in a developmentally normative way to something you have done. Got rid of a loved pet. This could also be potentially construed as abuse if we're using that absurd lens.

Absolutely this.

💐

There are two different types of silent treatment.

The first is offensive, designed to hurt an innocent party. Shouting and banging can occur to increase the effect.

The second, is defensive and designed to protect oneself from being hurt further by someone who claims to be the innocent party but really is not. Shouting and banging about can form part of this one as it is hard to keep it up and emotions held in can become overwhelming and burst out inbetween bouts of silence.

In this case, OP has done something that caused pain but is pissed off that the outcome of that pain is being displayed. She wants the child to not feel hurt, not for the child's benefit but for her own. She wants the child to behave as she wishes, not as the the child feels. That's very apparent and is giving narcissistic vibes. Given that, I'm not sure which sort of silent treatment is in play here because it could just come down to poor word choice.

P.S. OP said, "17 year olds cat", not "17 year old cat". That does not necessarily mean an elderly cat, as some have taken it to be.

Why agree to a cat if you don't want to take care of a cat?
You can't blame your other child you're the adult.
Now the family has bonded with the cat you chose to take on you are getting rid of it. I get why she's upset. You aren't being abused by your child.

The op agreed to take the cat on. You don't agree to a pet as the adult thinking kids will take care of it. That's painfully naive

Yeah maybe get some toys or something for the cat, or a catio, those could have been options. I agree with other posters I think pets shouldn't be dispensable & this is not something you should be demonstrating to your children.

Her DC was seventeen. They wanted the cat. The OP agreed to them having the cat as THEIR pet. The seventeen year old didn’t take responsibility for it so she’s supposed to take care of a doubly incontinent cat for the rest of its days? She said she re-homed it with a lovely couple … she did the right thing.

Come back and the main focus is still on the bloody cat. The cat will be happy now! It won't be near a main road hopefully. At least OP recognised she couldn't manage the cat and found it a better home. I love animals. I had to re-home small pets due to serious illness. It's horrible but sometimes you aren't in a good position. I'm pretty sure there will be no more cats for OP.

Hoping your daughter is talking at last and if not you've come up with a way of addressing the whole situation with her.

Screaming, shouting and swearing at you, possibly. Being physical with you, yes. Sulking? Of course not.

Shes upset about the cat. Not sure why you re-homed it? We’ve 4. They’re no bother at all 🤷‍♀️

Do not beg her to be ok with you. She’s not in the position of power here even though that’s how her behaviour has made you feel. Calmly tell her that silent treatment is not acceptable and if she has a problem then she needs to talk it out calmly because going through life trying to punish people with silent treatment is no way to treat people and will get her precisely nowhere. Basically, encourage dialogue as a more positive way of coping with difficult emotions. She’s allowed to be sad about the cat of course but not in that way.

Oh come on. Cats get stressed living in a small house with young kids. That can cause all the peeing etc. OP's a single mum in a council house with at least 4 kids. Life is hard enough without the entire house being a cat toilet.

Probably not an ideal home for any cat but lots of cats would be fine. This one wasn't. There's nothing wrong with responsibly rehoming a pet if things aren't working out. The pet doesnt care who it's owner is - it just wants a suitable environment.

you made a bad decision by bringing a car into what sounds like and already busy, stressful and emotional household. I think you have now done the right thing by rehiring the cat - it was unhappy.

your daughter is having an emotional response to that. It seems perfectly age appropriate- you sent away her pet. It’s a lot for someone who is already full of hormones and uncontrollable emotions.

you, however, are coming across as emotionally immature. Let her have her emotional reaction to this. Stay calm, but tell her she will need to move passed this. But it’s only been a week for heavens sake😊.

give her, and yourself, a break. Life gets hard sometimes.

typical 13 year old behaviour to the situation. I think you need to seek therapy and stop relating every situation to your ex as a trigger.