To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

this is ‘what the fuck’ I’m talking about.

I think you need to accept that he isn't going to change. Given that, you need to decide if this is the life you want to live until you die or not. Your choice. There isn't a third way where he miraculously sees the light and starts working with you.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread like this in my life honestly

OP: what should I do
Kind poster tries to help
OP: Nope not doing that/ Whats the point/ Don’t bark orders at me

😂

I think a diary would have been a better place to put this OP as it doesn’t seem like you’re actually taking anything on board anyway

I think it’s becoming clear what the problem is

Obviously it's not always easy to LTB especially with small children. OP, could you talk to Womens' Aid? Or go to counselling yourself?

@Merryoldgoat look, you’ve been combative since your first post on this thread. You sneerily said something like ‘so you’re not actually going to do anything about it’ - I replied more politely than I felt inclined to to be honest by pointing out there’s not much I can do. I don’t want to end the marriage if only for the sake of our children. You won’t accept this and have bossily told me I do THIS or THIS.

I am just talking. Why you (and some others) seem to take exception to this I don’t know. But I have no one I can talk to in real life. I can’t afford a counsellor and nor do I want counselling so MN it is. It is so so unhelpful when people reply in absolutes and especially when they become annoyed and I have to say aggressive because you aren’t ’doing as you’re told.’ It’s my life, not some stupid soap.

You have gone out of your way to be unpleasant and to be snide on this thread and I see you.

I have responded nicely to posters who have been nice and helpful. Don’t worry. You’re not one of them.

The Samaritans helpline is good if you just want to vent to someone who won't tell you what to do. Sort out your thoughts. It's free.

Thank you but no. I’m fine here, despite the drawbacks.

There’s plenty you can do but your limited ability to properly explain your issue or enter into discourse means you frustrate people who ask reasonable questions or offer sensible solutions.

In a functioning and healthy relationship no subject is off limits. You clearly have a relationship that is neither of those things.

It’s up to you if you want to live like that but you can’t expect to post on here and have no comments saying exactly that when you’re obtuse and dismissive.

I’m neither sneery nor combative, but I have very little time for people who will not help themselves and that’s what I see here.

If you had “seen me” I gave practical advice on how to approach a discussion, I gave you info on how it could be better discussed without any “blame game”, I asked what the issues were, but you don’t want advice.

So if you want agreement then yeah your marriage sounds great, I’m sure it will be happily ever after, you’re right there’s no need to discuss anything at all, this is a healthy way to be with your husband financially, you’re right it doesn’t matter how much either of you are paying and you’re absolutely right that you have a strong relationship. Good luck !

@Merryoldgoat just leave it . As I’ve said I didn’t appreciate your first post and I haven’t found your subsequent ones warm, helpful or kind which to be honest is what I need. Instead they’ve been scornful, judgemental and disdainful, and then you’re surprised when I don’t want to engage with you.

If you think I am posting because I want agreement then you really, really must be lacking the most basic comprehension skills.

You have not given practical advice. You repeated over and over that I have more money than DH and then accused me of being financially abusive. Then the second another poster started to swear and throw her weight around you turned up again giggling. Does that sound supportive? If if does we have a problem.

If mine tried that line, I’d go straight in with ‘ no one needs an expensive car.’ I’d challenge directly as to why he’s griping about childcare which is unavoidable, when he could trade down on cars. To he honest, I wouldn’t put up with the little digs. I’d blow it up and force him to look at the actual figures. But I’m up for a confrontation and I know that isn’t everyone’s style. I’d rather tackle it head on, though, than put up with the little digs.

To be fair he doesn’t gripe about childcare. It’s more an overall sort of ‘we have too much month left at the end of the money’ but he focuses on small things and not the big ones which is so frustrating.

But he won’t change. I’m not trying to be difficult or to antagonise other posters, but I can’t keep having the same argument with him for the rest of my days which is why I’ve made the decision to just not discuss money at all. I understand why some would say leave, I hope it doesn’t come to that but even if I wanted to right now I wouldn’t be able to.

I will say that unfortunately as you are married, his debt is your debt to a point. When you come to remortgage it will limit your choice of lenders etc so I'd advise you keep communicating on that as far as he will let you.

OP, most people on here are just trying to help you in their own ways. Nobody is a trained therapist. Nobody knows you in person. They are just doing their best and responding to the situation as you present it.

You have posted in the internet so it stands to reason you will get a range of perspectives. You can't filter this. Of course it's going to be true that some people wouldn't put up with what you're putting up with in a marriage. Some people will have left similar marriages and they will tell you this because they relate to what you're going through. Ot they know someone in a similar situation. But you know this.

If you saw a therapist, they wouldn't just nod along. They would encourage you to challenge your perspectives and if you are becoming easily triggered and combative then fine, that's all part of the process. If you go to your GP, you can be referred for 6 free counselling sessions. Could be worth considering if you want a non- judgemental space where you can prioritise yourself and your own feelings?

I’m sorry it’s so painful OP. I wonder how old your husband is and whether he’s had to face really difficult things in his life that he can’t just fix. It’s possible that he can change we don’t know him but some people are able to change how they see the world maybe only if their world is truly turned upside down. Good luck.

Spirit look, I’m not interested in a vis a vis, it’s obvious who is posting to be kind and supportive and who is posting to be the opposite.

@Thistooshallpsss i know no one will believe me 😂 but in most respects he really is a lovely guy, even this is a recent thing. It’s really come about since my maternity leave with out second baby. I think in many ways he had a comparatively easy ride (financially and in other respects too) with our first and now parenting and the reality is just hitting him.

Maybe baby no.2 and the maternity pay/income drop has made him panic a little. Might be struggling with the pressure of feeling more responsible, regrets some of his financial decisions and ongoing commitments, possibly ashamed of the position he has got himself into and he's just dealing with it like an absolute idiot.

I think this might be something that will actually get better for you once the children are older and you can return to work full time.

I think I saw someone telling you differently, that a child or two even in school with no childcare costs will easily still cost you 1k+ a month and I have to disagree. I mean, it could, if you wanted it to. My DD could happily spend 1k a month if I gave her £50 a day and let her go to primark whenever she wanted.

I don't though, so she doesn't cost me anywhere near that.

Have you tried to speak to your husband about the jibes and comments he makes about finances?

Either he feels guilty for having lots of outgoings like a nice car (is it finance?) but doesn't want to change so jokes about you spending money or he can't analyse himself regarding the finances and thinks you are the issue.

Does he have many friends? What are their situations?
Or work colleagues?
Some people compare themselves to others when their situations are very different, you have young children so only work part time but if Some of his friends have older children and they both work full time then clearly they would have more money.

It's really disappointing that you don't feel able to talk to your husband about having £500 less per month.
Is this a change to wages and is it correct?

Apologies, I misunderstood what he was griping about. And yes, I can see that if he’s normal a decent guy, he might well be mishandling the current situation.

But would it really not be worth trying a ‘sit down and listen to me- I’ve had enough of these comments’ type talk? Things might well improve after the Mat leave, but can you put up with it for that long?!!

I do agree that the most expensive phase is the nursery stage unless you’re opting for private school - until 17 when it’s driving lessons, insurance, a second car which we hadn’t had before, and an A level tutor. No one needs to pay for soft play every weekend - we only went to places like that for parties. It was quite cheap when ours were 5/6/7.

Actually I am a trained therapist—in the US and licensed and experienced.

OP’s issue is really familiar to me because its quite common. Even if OP came to therapy we would describe her as “not yet in the room” because she is not yet ready to face up to how bad her relationship with her dh is. she is not yet in the room here as well. She published in AIBU but instantly asserted that she was just journaling or venting or wondering out loud. Ok, sure, I guess.

If she did come to therapy she’d spend the beginning sessions fighting with her therapist for then she would fire the therapist. People have to be ready for change. If they aren’t they get big mad at everyone outside the cage pointing out the door is unlocked snd you can walk out any time.

I think if I did that the comments would stop and they have mostly after I’ve challenged it but instead we’ve now got completely separate finances and what I’ve found is we’re increasingly diverging from one another’s paths. I know that sounds a bit dramatic but there’s no sense of sharing things. Hard to explain.

i do think to a certain extent he wants to live the lifestyle he had before kids but that obviously isn’t realistic.

@pikkumyy77 I don’t want bad feeling but seriously it’s so rude to talk about me like that. I won’t be fighting with anyone as I’ve no intention of going to therapy. I can’t afford it even if I wanted to!