To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

There’s no way he’d go to counselling and I have to admit I don’t fancy it.

Plus we probably couldn’t afford it!

I haven’t read every single message but I have read your posts OP. I was in a situation which sounds similar to yours. I just got on with stuff and avoided the conflict because it always ended up mean and personal from him. What I would consider a perfectly reasonable thing to discuss as a married couple was taken as an insult on his very being. It has just got worse over the years. Perhaps if we had had counselling back then we wouldn’t be divorcing, it is hard to say. But I guess my point is, trust your gut feeling here - if it doesn’t feel right or fair to you then listen to yourself. A lot of things can be fixed though - the pressure of parenting puts a strain on most marriages. A good counsellor can help you express your feelings to each other and either find a way forward for you both together (or apart)

But OP, you have posted that you're not happy and to ask if you are reasonable for feeling this is not the marriage you envisioned. People tell you you are reasonable for feeling the way you do. They also tell you why they wouldn't live like that. Then you get and defensive and angry with people and say you're going to carry on 'ticking along' because your DH won't change.

OP you are obviously upset about this - perhaps you were hoping for more resonses saying "yeah me and dh are like this its fine"

But how can it be fine? You will need to make numerous financial decisions affecting the whole family over the years, and these will be so difficult if your dh cannot address the situations squarely and rationally.

It does sound as though he has some real mental blocks and difficulties around money, sharing, being a husband and father, equal input from both husband and wife etc.

You seem to be resigned to you both living with these mental blocks. But he sounds as though he is unhappy and anxious, perhaps around the subject of money in particular, and he's blaming you and your spending/income because he isn't deploying the emotional intelligence needed to give him better insight (insight that it's his unhelpful hangups, not your spending, that are at the root of his anxiety)

I have only got defensive when people have called me ‘weird’, which I think is normal enough.

Other posts I take because I can’t not. I may agree but I also can’t really change things at present.

No of course I wasn’t @candycane222 . Like I say I’ll only get upset if people become personally insulting which I do think is fair enough.

I think you keep repeating that your DH won’t change but why not?

I wouldn’t assume things will get better once nursery is over. Wrap around and holiday care is still a massive chunk of our spending. Not nursery level but it’s significant plus I think the spending becomes different as they age and potentially more discretionary so it is impotent to be on the same page re what is important for you as a family. Eg do you want to consider tutoring, how do you want to spend on holidays, what do you want to do for your retirement. Taking aside the day to day; you need to be able to talk about money to function as a unit and if you can’t then it doesn’t feel very sustainable unfortunately.

Well, that just removes one of the options, doesn't it?

So you either continue to live like you're living (bearing in mind that you contributing more in a few years probably isn't going to change him) or you pack up and leave.

@probablymenow It really sounds like he’s an abusive arse and lamely he’s not but I do think he’s not adjusted too well to not having the same salary as before. why has his salary changed though??

Could you try to talk with him about wider issues in a kind of ’how are you/how am I’ session, or two, to get to a kinder and more informed space, then reflect and decide next steps? E.g (not exhaustive):

• the changes you’ve both experienced, how that feels from your respective perspectives etc.
• any pressures you’re each experiencing.
• any changes you’d each like to see?
• any non-financial solutions
• etc.

@AcrossthePond55 yes. If you assume I’m posting about what to do. I’m not especially; I’m posting more about how I feel.

OP, I just searched the word ‘weird’ and it appears 9 times in these comments. Six were written by you and the other three were people saying things like It is really weird that you can't talk about finances when you are married to him.

Nobody has called ‘you’ weird and only three people have used the word at all. You’re not being inundated by nastiness. Please don’t feel that you are.

I still don’t like it. I find it really rude and quite upsetting to read.

He's got himself into debt paying for cars (plural?)!

I don't know how you can persuade your husband to have more connected financial lives. Unless, perhaps, he could see it as a benefit to himself. Of course there's less money available with two dependents and you working part-time. If he actually believes he is going into debt while you are living a carefree life maybe he would be open to more sharing, if you could sell it as wanting to make things fairer to him? Of course, if he's just going to see that he can no longer afford to spend as much as he wants on non-essential stuff, now that he has a family, he's not going to want more transparency for long.

I hope your "£500 down next month" is only temporary. Otherwise, you might need that frank discussion, even with his digs and jokes.

Would you feel able to post a few of the remarks he's made? I think that would be illuminating.

I do understand as I am married to a financial ostrich, and my dad (although extremely generous) is weird and controlling about money.

Neither of them make digs though. DH is grateful that one of us can adult, and I have learned not to bring up money with DDad.

@Phineyj , it’s mostly if I mention paying for anything at all. So for instance I saw an autumnal photoshoot advertised on social media and I suggested to DH it might be a nice thing to do. Straightaway I get a dig about it costing money, how much is it, that sort of thing.

It has happened so much that I’ve pretty much given up on talking at all!

But, people aren’t doing it. It’s overwhelmingly you. The last use of the word (again, about the situation, not you) by someone other than you was dozens of comments ago. So, you’re not having to read it. Why do you keep repeating it like it’s the majority of the feedback?

Because it is very hurtful to read. It is hard to be open and honest and lay bare your feelings when you feel you will be called weird for doing so.

Well I certainly haven't called you weird OP.

I only posted because I have a friend whose DH is like yours and it's been going on 16 years. He'll never change. She knows this. She earns much less than him. She has to pay for all the day to day stuff for two (very demanding) teenage girls. Her DH earns maybe £150k per year but she has no financial transparency. No idea how much money he has or where. There's no point talking to him - he just doesn't get it. Now (sadly but understandably), people (other friends) have stopped asking her out or in weekends away because she never buys a round of coffees or lunch or whatever. People think she's tight, but they don't realise its because she has no money - everything goes to her girls. All people see is that she lives in a house worth millions, but never buts anyone even a drink or a birthday gift. Always goes to the loo when a bill comes - this kind of thing. People don't get it. Now her girls are getting weird about money too because this is how they've been brought up. They will grab anything they can get. They are stealing make up in shops, etc. it's a nightmare to see and it's exhausting because she thinks her situation is ok,

When you say cars and debt etc, do you mean he’s in debt because of his car habit, on finance or something?
I think unless you have a clear idea of what debts there are then you will probably continue to misunderstand each other

OK, some more posts were made while I typed that.

So he blames you for debts despite having several times your salary and a second wage earner. Classic projection I guess. Knows he could do better so easier to go on the offensive.

I think I would call his bluff.

"Darling, it sounds like you're really worried about these debts. Let's see one of these debt advice charities and sort out a payment plan [produces list]."

But then I don't mind a bit of conflict.

Does your DH use that word about you?

Way upthread you described yourself as “strange” and your dh too. I don’t agree—your problems in the marriage and around money are absolutely textbook and so quite normal in terms of the distribution.

However it is true that happy marriages tend not to look like this. Thats because people can either be happy with very separate finances, or be happy with very meshed finances . The common denominator is you. Are you happy with this arrangement?

Apparently not. No one thinks you are weird, or strange—but you are not happy with the arrangement you have with your chosen partner.

Its unfortunate, and sad, that you aren’t happy with your chosen partner. But you aren’t weird. And no one here is out to hurt you. We are actually offering care and concern.

No. He isn’t insulting or anything but money is a real problem.