To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

Anyway, I think I now understand what’s being asked. I think YABU - but just because that’s the most appropriate of the options, not because you’re in the wrong. Your husband’s behaviour is financially abusive (digs, blowing up, splashing out on multiple cars but you’re worried about a £500’shortfall, next month). It seems like a really unhappy and unsustainable way to live and I’d be inclined to think it’s indicative of an imbalanced relationship.

Also tbf if I tried that with DDad it would cause WW3 (theoretically speaking - after childhood poverty I can't imagine him running up debt). And DH would hide under the bed so to speak.

Gosh people are funny about money.

So what are you buying in terms of YOUR personal items? Do you have a hobby that is expensive, or a membership of a swishy gym, or a £5000 racing bike in the garage? Or are you too tired with working outside the home and looking after the kids/house when you aren’t working to have a hobby? Or do you not even have enough money left in your bank account to buy wool for a knit and natter group?

@pikkumyy77 i described myself as ‘strange’ to try to show that poster how unpleasant it was.

I swear one more weird post and I’ll burst into tears, it’s a really horrible thing to say about someone.
I have said that it is weird that you can't talk to your husband about money,which quite frankly it is. This is a man who has seen you at you most intimate, fathered your child and spend his life with and yet you can't talk about how to sort your finances out.
I never said or implied you were weird, just that the situation is.

Yes I know you did @notacooldad

There is a small distinction between calling someone weird and calling something that is greatly troubling and upsetting that person weird I agree but it is a small one. Either way I don’t appreciate it.

Could you clarify, is "money a real problem" because you know your total household outgoings exceed your income, because they may do but you're not sure and DH won't talk about it, or you are OK financially as a family day to day but it massively bugs you DH won't discuss it?

If it's the first or second, I'd be saving discreetly and planning an early return to work, as the debts might be bigger than you know.

Worth an Experian check just in case?

I am back at work.

It’s both really. Our outgoings don’t quite exceed but no wriggle room so when an emergency inevitably happens we need to use od/ credit card.

It's not the money or the joint account, it's your husband's attitude to it and to you about it. And also that he cannot discuss it without having digs at you and being an utter arse.

He's brought about this situation himself. It's all on him. It's what he wanted but the reality is not what he envisioned - I bet he expected himself to be better off.

It also sounds to me that you are quite flexible. You wouldn't mind joint account or separate accounts as long as YOU AND HE ARE ABLE TO DISCUSS IT AND WORK AS A TEAM.

I have no idea how you can move forward with this if you are not able to discuss finances with him. And yes, I agree it will seep into other aspects of your marriage and it sounds like it already has, if you are more roommates than partners. My sympathies, OP.

@probablymenow nothing wrong with separate finances but it still needs to be fair.

One of the biggest reasons for divorce is financial incompatibility and the inability to discuss and agree on finances. If you can't discuss finances then that's quite a problem in your marriage that is going to lead to resentment.

You've said with the current arrangement you have the better deal and he is in debt, so it clearly isn't fair and therefore not surprising he feels annoyed about it.

You come across as rather smug/arrogant in your posts so perhaps your DH is feeling this too...

As he buys cars and you're considering an autumnal photoshoot it doesn't sound like you should be struggling (ie you can both spend on non-essential stuff). Are you both saving and building pensions? Do you have holidays and, if so, do you plan them together?

Personally I feel that finances are a big amd important part of a relationship. How are you planning for a future together if you can't be on the same page?

After reading your posts it doesn't seem like there is much to be gained by talking to your DH. I think you'll continually go round in circles. I suppose the real question is what do you want for the short term and longer term. If you want to stay with him then I would drop all conversations about money. Save everything you can and continue to only pay for things when needed. Once you've stopped paying childcare and are working more hours you'll have more free money to do with as you please and he can continue paying whatever it is that he is prioritising.

Try something different to shake things up. A joint account that you both put money into and all joint spend (bills and childcare) comes out of. Everything will be visible then and he’ll soon see where the money is going. You both keep x amount back for personal spending so it’s fair. Your current way isn’t working, try something different.

Ok I misunderstood at the time.

I am clearly not on the right wavelength for you, OP, as my posts seem to upset you. I apologize that you do not find them comforting.But interestingly you are posting on AIBU and your question is “AIBU” to have a problem discussing finances with my dh. Like most of us I think you are not being unreasonable if anything I think your dh is both unreasonable and financially abusive.

I am sad that you are so stuck snd so frightened of rocking the boat that you would rather fight with women trying to support you than begin to think about leaving —or even confronting—your asshole of a husband. Because he is absolutely in the wrong here and you are determined to take the blame or turn the fight on commenters rather than acknowledge that this is just not a good person you have chosen. You don’t trust him, you can’t rely on him, you can’t talk to him—what good is he?

Even if you, for whatever reason, think you can’t do better than this jerk you could absolutely take your own side in this discussion, as we have all tried to do, and fight to carve out some respect inside the marriage.

If you have no power because you aren’t working full time then go back to work full time. Tell him to sell a car to pay for full time childcare.

There is a small distinction between calling someone weird and calling something that is greatly troubling and upsetting that person weird I agree but it is a small one. Either way I don’t appreciate it

Well now you are actually being weird because there is a massive difference between a particular situation being weird or unusual to calling someone weird.
Other people are saying the same, Eg
One of the biggest reasons for divorce is financial incompatibility and the inability to discuss and agree on finances. If you can't discuss finances then that's quite a problem in your marriage that is going to lead to resentment

it is a normal thing to talk about money without flying off the handle in a marriage
You are not a room mate or someone lodging, you are in a partnership ( well you should be, you clearly arent)
We are trying to support you for goodness sake!

Ah OK I understand.

He actually sounds rather like my DH.

I just decided ages ago I'd need to be the adult re the money.

But DH is not mean, just avoidant. It can be rather irritating to live with someone who doesn't understand what family life actually costs and won't make cut backs.

It's not a deal breaker for me as I am the one with the control.

Could you go and see a counsellor for yourself if you think DH wouldn't go with you?

What we do is to have a joint account, into which we pay a standing order from our individual accounts each month, which has varied over the years depending on who earns what (eg when I was on maternity leave DH upped his contribution while I lowered mine accordingly)
Joint account pays mortgage, shopping, bills, childcare etc.
We both have money in our own accounts to spend on whatever we want. But we do discuss it if joint account or either of us struggling.
I like having my own money to spend on crap, guilt free, and so does he!

We basically do what @ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs describes.

Although when we are in a pickle it's me that sorts it.

It has been better since I accepted that DH can't or won't.

My PIL are fantastic with money. Not quite sure why DH struggles. Maybe they made it look too easy?

It would work well if I earned more!

I wouldn't be with a man who insisted on separate finances once married. This is not what is in the marriage vows and certainly isn't the case in divorce.

Ok. I guess my feeling is that if someone is posting about how something makes them feel 'bad' then they also must feel that they don't want to feel that way. I think a lot of posters kind of think the same which is why OPs that are basically "X makes me feel like shit" end up with a lot of posts about how to change/what to do posts.

But if you 'feel what you feel' and have already decided that you're just going to suck it up and carry on, then fine. It's your right to make such a decision and I'm not going to drag you over hot coals for it. Your life to live as you choose. "What cannot be cured must be endured", right?

I'm so sorry @probablymenow I wish I had some advice that would help as you sound so unhappy. This whole situation sounds very difficult and I'm sad on your behalf that you can't communicate together and sort this out, but accept that's your reality.

Re the photoshoot.

The good thing about the joint bills account in proportion to incomes, is you can buy what you want without judgement, with the remainder.

I don't know what an autumnal photoshoot is (cute babies on leaves?) but if I wanted one I'd organise it and just tell DH where to show up, if he needed to be involved.

I feel really sorry for you, OP. It seems like you have been brainwashed... To think you are "better off" and that somehow this situation in acceptable. For some reason, you even try to justify it - I almost feel like you came here wanting reassurance this is normal and is nothing to worry about. While knowing all along that this is a crap set up.

Dear OP, whatever the outcome is, your situation is awful and not reflective of a normal loving marriage where both partner see each other as equal. I have no idea how you ended up like this, but believe me, it will not get any better. Your husband, most likely, is not seeing you as a long term partner, and is making sure you have nothing of what he sees as his money. Even worse, he extends this to your children. Sadly, I have seen this situation play out many times, and its never pretty, and is never nice for a poor female in this kind of a relationship.

You can either stay but wise up and start trying to save/ stash away money somehow (making sure you have enough to live on while increasing your savings and pension) - which is dishonest and soul destroying, but is exactly what he is doing with you. Basically, play him at his own game - "I have no money to buy food", "we need to buy this and that"...These kinds of relationships will never be warm, or trusting, or relaxed - to me its like living with your enemy, always trying to get one up on them. But I know of people who live like that and seem to be fine with it.

Or you can leave. He will pay child support and you will have a chance to get 1/2 of the house, and start afresh. Its up to you really.