To not discuss my finances with DH?

[probablymenow]

The consensus is probably that I am unreasonable but I don’t really know how else to address this.

DH and I do have massively different salaries - his is more than double mine and probably nearly triple. I’m part time he’s full time. I pay for childcare (not cheap) groceries etc. he pays for the mortgage bills etc.

Over the last year he’s become increasingly antagonistic about money matters and it’s reached the point now where I just pay for what I need and pay my things out or my salary and I don’t discuss anything relating to money with him.

Cab this even work? I’m guessing most people will say not. On the other hand it’s the only sticky point in the relationship (admittedly a big one) and so quite honestly it just feels easier to pay for what I need and get on with life.

You weren’t working because you birthed and cared for HIS baby ffs. He needs to understand this so you need to spell it out to him, firmly.

OP, I think you sound really lovely...and really stressed. You also sound like you have a smart head on your shoulders and whatever happens between you and the DH, you and your children will be fine...because of you.

If I have read most of this correctly, sorry if I am wrong, it sounds like it's a pretty fair split with the bills vs income for each of you, the issue is your DH has a lot of personal debt (cars) and is unhappy that he is struggling to pay for all the luxuries he wants because you currently only work part time so he is seeing your contribution as unfair even though these extra expenses are his?

I'd be annoyed if he were my husband. My Dh earns 3 times my salary, but we pool everything and he never questions what I spend. He realises that by me working part time and picking up the childcare this has enabled him to get promoted and build up a lovely big pension pot, whereas mine is tiny. We have recently started paying an extra contribution into my pension to top it up. I don't think I could live like this, he is not respecting the unsalaried work you are doing around the house. Start sending him a bill for childcare that you are doing on your days off and any cleaning/admin work you do for the family.

But why can’t the both of you sit down and go through all expenses for the past month, both from his and your bank statement, see how much is spent on what and agree on how much you should each have remaining for your personal spends.
I might be wrong but from your posts it sounds like you feel things are fair now so you don’t want to entertain your DH questioning it. I might be wrong though!

It sounds very stressful for you OP.
Two young children and tight finances.
Your husband behaving as if childcare is suddenly something sprung on him by you.
You then being made to feel as if you have done something wrong by having children that require childcare for you to work.
It sounds like you are walking on eggshells and unfortunately that is abusive behaviour.
My advice is to reach out to family and friends for support OP because your marriage doesn't sound like it is a team job.

He sounds like a spoiled man child that is resenting the realisation that having a family costs money and taking it out on you.
That sounds hard, sad and lonely.
Please tell those that love you, so you feel less alone.
Protect yourself too, as he isn't really a good man.
Good men do not behave like this.
Spoiled ones do.

Op but nobody is calling you wired. Your the one doing that and I'm wondering if its not a reflection on how your feeling about the situation.

By the way I don't think it's that unusual, but I do think it's finicaly controlling from your husbands side. I have come across women IRL who have had this setup and just putup with it, but they have never seemed very happy.

I guess only you can decide if you can continue with this long term if your DH is unwilling to talk about it. We all have our different limits when it comes to relationships.

When did she say she was in poverty?

Several posters including me have given examples of the numerous costs associated with raising older children - cost of phones being a tiny element! You can very easily spend an average of £1000 per month on the cost of two older children, and easily much more than that too.

And you earn more too. But that’s really not what the threads about. Is it?

OP, again, you were saying earlier that might just 'wait if out' until the kids become cheaper, once the childcare stops. The pp was just saying, as many have said, that this is not realistic because children don't get cheaper at all. No, it's not the main point of your thread, but it's something you raised so people are just engaging with that.

As they get older, you can't have a kind of 'two tier' system where all the child-related stuff comes out of your income and he refuses to engage with any of that. The kids will pick up on that dynamic very soon and it's damaging.

He has children. They will only get more complicated and expensive. He needs to get real basically.

Sorry OP, but this kind of set up is not great, not great at all.

My ex and I had a similarly odd (now I look back) arrangement with money and, like you, I made every excuse for him under the sun. But I know realise it was shit & I massively lost out because of it.

If you are married & have kids everything financial should be shared and there should be no secrets between you.
Neither should resent the other, you should be a team. End of.

Your relationship doesn't sound great. Ours wasn't as it turned out.

This wouldn’t be tenable for me to be honest. As much as we might wish otherwise, money is a key part of our quality of life and stability not just in the present but when planning for life changes, emergencies, and our longer-term future. I think there are many ways happy, healthy partnerships can approach the nitty gritty of where money comes from and where it goes, but all involve both partners showing the other’s needs and preferences respect (this was particularly true for me when issues of maternity leave and childcare came into the mix). It really sounds like your DH isn’t doing that, and it would set off alarm bells in my head.

But if you feel differently then what I would accept in my own marriage isn’t particularly relevant. Are you ok with this? Or does it just seem less bad than a potential divorce?

I work PT and my DH works FT. He earns 4 times more than I do.

DH has always been clear that he doesn't care if I never work FT again if I'm happy and the kids are happy. On the one hand, we're lucky that we can afford for me not to. But I also know that he would happily cut back on his personal spending if it meant me keeping my current work/life balance and the kids not having to be in wraparound care (nothing wrong with that BTW but our DC have SEN and would find it tough) and he wouldn't make me feel bad about it.

We each have our own bank accounts that our salaries go into, and a joint account we both pay into each month (proportionally according to our income) for the household bills and mortgage. But DH pays for all holidays, days out, meals out, kids activities etc. If I'm hit with an unexpected bill (if something goes wrong with my car for example) he will immediately offer to sort it without making a big deal of it, because he doesn't want me to worry or go without anything.
He has never once made feel bad about how much less I contribute financially to the household, or expected me to justify how much I spend.

Honestly, OP I would find it upsetting being in your position. I would feel extremely hurt if my DH made sarcastic digs about money. It would make me feel shit. I would also be resentful of the whole set up, although you keep saying you're getting "a better deal" that's really not the point is it? It's the fact that he didn't see you as a team. I would find his lack of generosity pretty unattractive. I would also be sad and frustrated that I couldn't have open conversations about money with the man I share my life with, because I think married people should be able to talk about anything. I don't think I could stop that resentment from seeping into other areas of our relationship.

So @probablymenow you’re essentially saying that regardless of how unhappy you both are, you’re not actually going to do anything about it?

What would you have me do @Merryoldgoat ? Leave?

Thanks @neverbeenskiing . To be honest, someone saying that they would find it upsetting as well is validating that. It isn’t about the money, it’s just hurtful, the whole thing is.

Have you told your DH that you find it hurtful? I know you said you've tried to talk about it, but have you put it in those terms? If not what do you think his response would be if you did? I get that he would probably be defensive initially but do you think once he'd had a chance to process he would be able to reflect on it and realise he doesn't want you to feel that way so something needs to change?

I would have a proper, no holds barred conversation and, if I got nowhere then yes - I would leave.

My DH and I have been together 19 years - it’s not perfect but it’s good and it’s because we talk, we have the big difficult conversations and communicate.

I’m not willing to have a relationship, romantic or otherwise, without doing so. There is no point.

But if your lover and husband is hurtful to you what should be done? I can’t for the life of me figure out what the problem is? He treats you like shit over money and you feel like shit and when posters agree with you you get angry and accuse them of being the cause of you feeling like shit.

You are married to someone you neither like nor trust—how do I know that? Because you have described him this way.

Venting and not doing anything about it is a total waste of your precious life. Days, weeks, minutes, seconds alll add up to years wasted. Do you not know—maybe you don’t? That you have the right to be married to someone generous and passionate about you? For every crooked foot there is a crooked shoe. For every pot there is a top. Why waste time being an underpaid and unappreciated handmaid to an aggrieved spendthrift car enthusiast? I’d rather take in washing with a husband who adored me. Heck I’d rather take in washing to support my kids than suck up to a miser.

@pikkumyy77 yes, I will get annoyed at being called weird. Have we not done this to death? What are you trying to achieve?

@Merryoldgoat weve done that. Over and over. Nothing has changed and nothing will change, I am still allowed to talk about it on here.

I have @neverbeenskiing and now we just don’t talk about money, it’s just a sort of barred subject to be honest.

Oh and @pikkumyy77 at no point have I said I don’t like him or that I don’t trust him.

Then you either put up with it or leave. It’s not changing so accept or move on but fighting when there’s no hope is pointless and soul destroying

No one called you weird.

I can and will talk about it @Merryoldgoat . Please don’t bark orders at me.

What the fuck are you taking about? I didn’t tell you that you couldn’t?!