Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

This is learnt behaviour. When she is angry and screaming do you give her clear choices (not what she is screaming for)? Ie. You can play in your bedroom quietly or read a book downstairs, but vary the choices each time. Eventually she will give up screaming and pick a different option.

Planned ignore is great. Just need to be consistent.

You could also try a reverse reward chart, where she starts with X amount of time doing something she liked, for every 10 minutes screaming she loses 10 minutes. Every time she accepts no she gains 5 minutes back. Make it a visual thing but high up/digital/back up version so she can't mess with it.

Nip it in the bud NOW...trust me ...I was you ...now I have a 21 year old who still screams and acts like a 2 year old if she doesn't get her way.....

OP hasn't been back since Wednesday ...

Hi, my daughter had a similar problem. When her child screamed like this they took a favourite toy away( make it something she really likes, not just one from the toy cupboard!) and he way told that it would be returned until the following morning ( provided he wasn’t screaming at the time of course). This sounds quite punitive but I assure you it worked a treat . He also hit out when he was screaming- does your daughter do this or does she just scream? It’s really hard for you but stay firm and please don’t give in to these demands. She is out of control and deep down she doesn’t enjoy feeling like that so you’re acting in her best interests. When she is calm then talk through what happened, not criticising her but saying you know it’s difficult not to always have what one wants but screaming will make her feel worse. Always praise her when she’s calm. Good luck

Yes. PDA ( pathological demand avoidance syndrome). I don't want to diagnose your daughter but you might want to look into it.

instead of giving in, try giving her a simple choice. You can have more cheese or you can have a pudding, but you can’t have both.which do you want?

arrange for the older sibling to have a sleep over, you and hubby take it in turns to tag team and don’t give in. She wants a drink, there is water available. Anything else is a no. She wants food, you have had dinner if you chose not to eat it, the answer is no. You can have a quick wee, back to bed. If she asks again the answer is no. Keep saying no and taking her back to bed. Let her scream all night if needs be. Once you’ve broken the pattern once, it will be easier to do over and over each time. She may feel she is missing out. So perhaps tell her that you are only going to be watching the news downstairs (or something she would consider equally boring)

good luck

Blimey .....disorders, choices, phones, cheese. Its all going on.

Oh dear dear. One day your daughter will be a teenager, she’ll be going out on her own, and with friends exploring life, and that will be the time when rules will keep her safe. If you allow her to continue on this path by ruling the roost you are setting yourselves up for some very serious problems and worry.
It takes 21 days to break a habit, reward the behaviour you do want and ignore the behaviour you don’t want, stick it out, stop backing down and deal with the screaming tantrums by closing down all communication with her, no shouting, no speaking, no eye contact, NOTHING, because getting the tiniest bit of attention will feed her behaviour. Let her scream. When she stops tell her she’s good and that you love her, when she starts again (and she will) repeat the above, no matter how many hours it goes on for. You are the adults, but right now DD is in charge… who are the parents here? You have a duty to your DD to raise her to have good manners and to follow rules, and to respect you as her parents.
When she’s at school there’s rules, when she older and at work there’ll be rules, she’ll be told what she can and cannot do, that’s life. By constantly giving in you’re giving her the wrong message, she wins every time, she’s in charge for God sake and she’s only 6! This won’t help her as an adult because it will be ingrained that by going into a strop she will get what she wants. It will affect future relationships and friendships and that’s not fair on her.
Start on an evening when there’s no school the following day… oh and having her friend around on Saturday… tell her quite clearly when she gets home from school on Friday that if any of the screaming begins then it’s not happening, but if she’s good (no screaming) then she can have the friend over, that’s the reward for good behaviour. She will test you, she will scream, but this is where you begin, and stick to it.
The choice is yours, a few days of exhausting hell, or a lifetime of it, and eventually a ruined relationship with your daughter. She’ll hate you for a while, and that will hurt, but she needs to understand the meaning of respect, and that she cannot always have what she wants on demand, and you’ll reap the rewards of a better future with her.

What the actual fuck.

@petrometro please don't post child abuse tips online. Reported.

I had a child like that. Turned out she had autism. It is difficult to spot in girls. And if it's autism, your advice won't work.

My son is autistic, with a PDA profile, and I did wonder if the OP’s daughter could be autistic. It’s difficult to offer advice on one post though. The OP could certainly look to see if her daughter n fits any of the traits

I am sorry you’re dealing with this… at 6 years old I would do ear plugs and let her cry it out. Time outs for tantrums. Start taking toys away or other unpleasant consequences for these tantrums..

Also, my son had horrible behavior until we removed dairy and gluten from his diet. We did something called GAPS diet. We had a very healthy diet before this, BUT for some children casein proteins from Commercial cow dairy can really affect mood and behavior. So can gluten for those who are sensitive to it.

An elimination diet is very helpful to figure out dietary triggers and can work miracles in a child’s behaviors. You may want to consider eliminating dairy, gluten, and all sugar and processed foods for 3-4 weeks to see any changes.

My daughter has autism with PDA. Diagnosed at camhs. Explained so much.

She sounds like a child of a friend who has been diagnosed with PDA. Have you looked into that?

This is not normal. Your child might have autism. Do they have any sensory sensitivities or other unusual behaviours?

This! ☝🏻 100%!

You've made a rod for your own back by eventually giving in. She knows that all she has to do is keep screaming and eventually she will win. Only you can break the cycle by determinedly NOT giving in! You are the adult, she is the child, but at the moment, the child rules the house. That's never a good situation.

I was thinking the same thing OP

@whatswiththerain

How are you getting on now?

The thing is even if the child is ND, she still needs consistency, probably even more so. She's still learnt that screaming gets what she wants/feels she "needs" it's just that sometimes she has to scream a bit and other times she "has to" keep it up for hours to get there.

@whatswiththerain I hope you're ok, especially after the weekend. How has school been going now they're back full time?

A child with autism needs rules just as much as a NT child (perhaps even more). Talking from experience the boundaries need to be firm and non negotiable. Without boundaries any child is anxious but an autistic child even more so. You can talk softly, be compassionate saying you understand their anger but don't ever budge. Rules are rules and believe me autistic children adhere to rules firmly put in place religiously. When we were in hurry once I told my DS he didn't have to brush his teeth because we were running late. Total meltdown because brushing teeths in the morning were one if the rules😅. It would have saved us time to just have let him folllow the morning routine..

Op if she's 6 why does she have a phone? She's too young surely? Maybe nip that in the bud. Does her older sister get to take her phone to bed? They share a room you said? She will think it grossly unfair if her perfectly well behaved older sister is taunting her witha phone abd she isn't allowed one. Maybe her sister should hang out in your bedroom until little sis has fallen asleep? We used to do this on holidays when my DS had to share a room. 4 year age gap. It worked well.