About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

She said she’d had previous relationships for 2.5 years and 3 years, and gave absolutely valid reasons for not wanting to introduce BF’s to her son - not least because he’s already coping with his dad’s new family. She also clearly stated that this is on her, not the BF and if he had a problem with it, she would end the relationship because her sons’ welfare comes before anything else.

And at no point did she say she would just announce she was marrying the BF after DS turned 18. What she actually said was that if the relationship went the distance, it wasn’t important for DS to know how long she had been seeing BF. That is absolutely not the same thing. The relationship sounds perfectly healthy to me, and OP sounds like a devoted mother who is being cautious about her dating habits, not subjecting her child to a string of ‘uncles’ who come and go.

OP you say you are willing to dump your BF and have your DS full time.

You also say you are happy to engage in a FWB situation with someone not sure who you have in mind? If this is better for you than go for this casual arrangement.

I suggest you ask your DS what he wants before he starts his GCSE years. He needs to feel welcome and secure. These feelings of resentment can’t go on, regardless of blame.

Deal with CMS and ex separately.

She didn’t say DS didn’t feel comfortable in his own home. She said his dad makes DS text OP himself when he’s being dropped off early and he’s apologetic because of that. Maybe if dad grew some balls and texted OP himself there wouldn’t be a problem, but he’s hardly likely to do that when he knows he’s not sticking to 40/50 and OP will likely start a conversation he doesn’t want to have.

Righto, have time now to respond. Won't respond to each as it's too difficult, but will pick out some key comments.

Firstly, I'm absolutely flabbergasted at the amount of people who have said just tell my son about / introduce my son to my BF, just so I can facilitate my ex's working schedule and pick up his parenting duties. I've been with my BF less than a year, I am in no way shape or form ready to introduce my son or have him know about my dating exploits.

I've had 3 relationships in the last 10 years and broken up with 2 ... if I introduced my son to all of them, how damaging would that be?

I've managed to compartmentalise my dating life for the last 10years perfectly well, and it suits me. I'm not a woman who is desperate for marriage, cohabitation, more children etc so I don't need to include my son in my dating life.

If I had introduced my current BF and then my son has a problem with it, I would be accused of being neglectful, irresponsible.

On a forum that I thought was a supportive space for women, all I can see is that women can do absolutely no right EVER and other women are the worst culprits for chastising and putting each other down. It's frankly vile and very saddening that on a forum like this, women seem to jump at any opportunity to tear each other down. It's really blown me away.

@PixieLaLar if you must know, I did push for 50/50 and I do want my son more of the time. Unfortunately that's not how things work in real life. Should I sit and knit in my free time just waiting for my son to maybe show up? Am I not entitled to pursue a life outside of my parenting in the time that I unfortunately cannot have my son with me?

For all those who say that my son has been apologetic because he senses my irritation, this is completely untrue. He has been apologetic when he knows he's woken me up on my day off for example. As I'm a woman living on my own, I leave my key in the back of the door at night, with a chain in the door, so that a key cant be used to gain entry from the front. When my son is dropped unexpectedly, he cannot use the key he has in his key box and needs to wake me up by ringing the doorbell repeatedly. My son sees how hard I work, and he knows that waking me up on my day off because his father has decided to drop him off early is far from ideal. My son is a sensitive soul and we are very close. Anytime he has tried to apologise, I have categorically told him he has absolutely nothing to apologise for.

He is also of an age where he is slowly realising, all by himself, that his father is a useless arsehole. I've never badmouthed his father to him, but children eventually understand which parent has really provided all of the care and made all of the sacrifices for them.

To all this that say DS should be able to come and go as he pleases... I agree. But the fact is, his father's house is 30km away with no public transport, (I live very rurally) so if I'm not expecting him, im really not expecting him. Should I just sit around and expect him all of the time? Have heating on needlessly, sandwich fillings and other items that will go off constantly available etc? Not ever be able to invite a love interest around just in case my ex might drop my son off unexpectedly?

My son has a key in a key box, because he's has already lost 2 keys.

For this asking how I'll navigate my DS having a BF/GF, I'll be absolutely over the moon and welcome them into my home if he wants them here. That has no relevance to the fact that I don't want my sons life complicated any further my introducing him to my BFs.

@LivelyHare Surely I can be without a man for a few years? What a sly little dig there. I have been without a man for many years, very happily thank you. I'm incredibly independent and happy when I'm on my own.

@vivainsomnia you've obviously not read the OP. My son did not previously attend a school halfway between us. He attended a school in my exs town for 8 years. The school run was never once an issue for me, despite somewhat erratic and unusual working hours at time. I never once missed the school run. He now attends a school in my Village for the last 2 years. Why would I go and change his school to one in the Town again, tell me ex to have him full time and pay maintenance? Why would I go and collect him from my ex every morning and drop him to school? And what in the name of god are you smoking you lunatic?

@MartinCrieffsLemon he is my BF and not just a FWB, as were my last 2 long ish relationships. And this relationship is very healthy thank you. Just because our relationship doesn't fit what you think it should, that we're not rushing to be involved in each others whole lives and plan a future and marriage and babies and houses, doesn't make it, or my previous relationships any less valid. And where did I say I would suddenly announce that I'm marrying someone when my son turns 18, what an absolutely ridiculous comment and stop putting words in my mouth.

@Rosscameasdoody @comingintomyown. @BobVanceVanceRefridgeration @Dhama @AnonymousBleep @PotatoBreadForTheWin @user1471600850 @IWasHittingMyMarks @HelenHywater @Pictures50 @NewSchoolYearRevamp thank you for understanding things from my perspective and advocating for me on this thread, I really do appreciate it and it's made me feel less insane with all these batshit responses x

I'll post what I'm thinking I'll do next

So I think from the sound advice I've had (and there's been some batshit advice too) that I'll speak to DS first and try and suss how he is feeling about the current arrangement. He's obviously not happy about having to be up so much earlier in the morning, and maybe he actually doesn't want to spend 50% of his time with his father anymore. I'll try and broach the conversation gently and find out.

I'm going to text the asshole ex, and tell him that he obviously can't manage the school run and that I suggest, and DS agrees the schedule should change to X.

I am not going after maintenance, it's not worth the anger and heartbreak. I had enough fighting, abuse and solicitors when I left him and over the last 10 years so it's not worth it. I earn a high enough salary that I can afford this.

I'll try and stay with BF more, even though it's really inconvenient for me. It means having to come home in the morning before work to care for my animals and then making the journey onwards to work.

If any of this is an issue with BF, or my DS wants to stay here more or potentially FT, then I will absolutely end the relationship. That would be a real shame, and I'd be quite upset, but it is what it is and no relationship is more important than that between me and my child.

I think thats a good place to be at. Centering on your son to see where he is at right now - things will probs change over time in the future as well. It might be best for him to be settled in a quieter house with a calmer routine and more rest for his GCSEs etc. I also think you are wise not to bother locking horns with your ex - you need o focus on winning the war (ie raising a stable DC and having a great long tern RS with him as an adult by investing emtionally and with time in the teenage years) and skip this 'battle' which your useless ex would enjoy and it would derail your life.

Thank you and absolutely agreed. My ex did everything he possibly could to destroy my life when I left him, it's the reason I moved out of the Town. I've built a loving stable home, a great career and raised a really beautiful son, I'm not inviting arguments with him into my life again by demanding CM, it's not worth it. I'd probably end up spending more than that in the therapy I would need after fighting him to get CM.

Well, I did say IF

And suddenly announcing you're marrying someone that your DC don't know about? You don't think that might be traumatic?

I would not feel like I was in a loving and committed relationship if after 2 years I was still treated as a dirty little secret who had to rush from the house before teen son came home

Not rushing to introduce to children means leaving at least 6 or so months before. Not never mentioning it

6 months? Well thanks so much for explaining the rules of the single dating mom playbook with me... they must have forgotten to send me my copy.

Me and my Bf are perfectly happy with our set up, he's busy, I'm busy, it works for us, and it worked for me in my previous relationships too.

I don't have even the tiniest bit of interest in what you think about my relationship thanks, and it's not at all what the thread is about.

@MartinCrieffsLemon and please quote the post where I said I would ever announce I was suddenly marrying someone that my DC never met? Quote it...

You're making things up to suit whatever little narrative you've spun in your head, and no one here is buying it, so feel free to free to just jog on.

I'm not sure you answered if your partner is part of the rest of your life e.g. spending time with your friends and family?

I'm a single mum and currently happily single. My kids are much younger than your son but they have asked me lots of times if I have / plan to get a boyfriend. I'm always honest. I assume your son has asked you too?

As for your ex the obvious answer is to speak to your son theb ask for alteration to the contact schedule if needed. Then family court and CMS if relevant. He's very unlikely to change.

Many people on this thread reading your posts and either misunderstanding or misinterpreting what you’re saying - mostly to suit whatever is their own narrative.

I don’t know how long you’ve been on MN OP but I’ve seen numerous threads absolutely slating mothers for introducing their boyfriends to their children, and having a string of ‘uncles’ in and out of their lives. The general consensus is similar to your own - it’s better to keep your dating away from your kids until you know it’ll go the distance. Along comes a mum whose first priority is her child and she still gets a load of shit because people can’t be bothered to read the posts properly. The double standards are ridiculous.

No. Not rushing to introduce children means leaving it until whenever their mum is comfortable with telling them, and the circumstances will be different in every case. For example, the OP has been clear that she doesn’t want to complicate things for her DS because he’s already dealing with the fact that his dad has remarried someone who has children of their own. She knows her son. She doesn’t need randoms on the internet telling her she should have a timescale.

So no, I haven't answered that. Our families know about us, our friends do as well, we meet with them very very occasionally but we just enjoy spending the little time we have together one on one to be honest.

And funny enough, my son has never once asked me about my dating life, or whether I have or plan to have a boyfriend.

I've actually just had a short conversation with my son. I told him I never again want to hear him apologise for coming home, this is his home and he has nothing to be apologetic for.

I've said his dad is obviously struggling with the school run (he actually asked why I never did!) and that I wanted him to know that, while we've had the same arrangement for 10years, things can change and he's older now and can choose to make changes. I told him I would absolutely love to have him here with me more, but that it's not about me, it's about whatever makes him happy and his life easier and more enjoyable.

He said he is happy with the schedule now, and I understand that. He needs routine and while he's slowly realising his dad is an arse, he still loves his father. He said he wishes he didn't have to get up at 6.20am to go to school because his dad can't sort his schedule out and wants me to talk to him about that. He told me if his mind changes about the schedule, he'll let me know. He had a little emotional cry and we had a big cuddle, some kisses and said we both love each other so much.

I've also told him he is not to text me anymore about early drop offs at the request of his father, that that is not his responsibility and I've said I'll tell his father that as well.

For godsake he is your son. How does he feel ? Sounds like you see him as an inconvenience,
My 14 year old would never be spoken about like this.
Ask him if he prefers mums or dad's and help him have his best teenage years. You sound petulant and unloving,
.

Clearly you haven’t read the thread.

@Rosscameasdoody thank you in particular for your contribution to this thread, you really get it x

And like I said, I feel like I'm in the flipping Twilight Zone. If I was on here saying I'd introduced my son to a BF of less than 12 months, or that I've now introduced a 3rd boyfriend in 10 years to my son, and my son had issues with it, was uncomfortable in anyway, I'd be slated, torn apart, called the worst mother in the world. I was absolutely right not to introduce previous partners to my son... I ended up breaking up with both of them, what kind of effect would that have had on my boy?

And the fact there are posters telling me to simply introduce my son to a partner, when I'm not ready, and it's absolutely not the responsible thing to do, just so I can pick up the slack of my shitty ex??? The mind fucking boggles.

I've been in MN for a good few years, and I've seen all the same threads as you. How sad is it that women can do right for doing wrong on here? That no matter what we do, there are other women there ready to tear us down.

So me wanting my ex to step up and be an actual parent by fulfilling the parental responsibility that he agreed to, that he asked for, and not falling over myself to pick up his slack because he's a shit parent who doesn't prioritise his son makes me petulant and unloving and means I'm treating my son as an inconvenience.

Alrighty then 👍

I never said you WERE marrying him
I said IF

You're making things up

In terms of the relationship, if it goes the distance, then there is no need to tell my son when he's older how long we've been together.

I'd take go the distance as "if we marry" and not telling him how long you've been together is lying to him. It will come out how long you've been together eventually and he will feel betrayed

I totally understand where you’re coming from in all aspects of this. I’ve been separated over a decade too and whilst my ex is much worse and moved overseas for work 3 times during their childhood (and is planning his next move in middle of DD’s A levels) I feel your frustration with this whole attitude of them thinking nothing of inconveniencing us. My ex demanded 50-50 too at first. How I laugh now when I think of the minimal time he’s actually spent with them at his house. Even when he wasn’t overseas they preferred to stay at mine and he visited them. Again, not ideal for me, but I sucked it up for the kids.

Like you I wouldn’t introduce a boyfriend, I’ll leave anything like that until they’ve all gone to Uni (2yrs left for youngest). It would disrupt their life and they are still dealing with their father marrying someone they’d met once, and moving them from overseas to the home he expected they’d be living in 50% of the time. Well of course that didn’t happen, not least because there was a teenage boy also who moved in!

Mumnset usually tell women off for introducing partners before 1yr. But some women will argue black is white on here. I’d text your ex and tell him that it’s not convenient for your son to be dropped off, so he needs to change his work schedule. I suspect what you’ll see if your son will soon come to you and say he needs to stay at yours more. Maybe if he stays 4 weeknights dad can manage 1 and he can have weekends or every other. I do think you should push for maintenance, but again I’m similar in that respect as I never did so not to rock the boat of friendly Co-parenting. When this new woman arrived on the scene and DC with me 100% that had to change. He did grumble at first, but soon relented and apologised. I mean it didn’t go anywhere near to being the correct amount for all these years, but it’s going to enable me to change the car! Good luck OP, you’re a great mum and thank god it is generally us women who are the ones who put our DC first and are willing to make sacrifices for them to have a good uncomplicated childhood. They grow up all too soon. Nothing you say is unreasonable, and sounds like you have a close loving relationship with your son. Let anything that suggests otherwise go over your head, and keep it held high!

@MartinCrieffsLemon ooooohhhh... you said IF!... In relation to a completely imaginary situation that you made up in your head that would never ever happen in real life.... Okay then 😅

How about you just leave this thread now, your contribution has been unintelligent at best, and just plain fucking stupid and judgemental at worst.

Your input is not needed if you can't even address the actual REAL LIFE situation that I have asked for input on.

And for your information, I have no intention of ever marrying anyone. Not every woman yearns for marriages, babies, cohabitation.

Now off you pop and have a nice evening for yourself

@Zanatdy thank you so much x And I'm sorry that you've also had to make up for your kids having a shitty father.

I have written a text which I'll send in the morning, reiterating that early drop offs with no notice are not convenient and I won't tolerate it. I've explicitly said that he is not to get DS to send any more communication about changes to schedules, it's not his responsibility and I will not accept these messages from him.

And I've decided, that if it continues to happen, I'm going to cancel the bus altogether and then he will have no choice but to drop him straight to school every morning, which will equal another 30km a day some days.