About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

I think that’s a great plan. Time for him to step up and tell his work that no he cannot make a 9am meeting on those days etc, like we have had to do many times over the years. It annoys me as even when my ex was around and it was his turn to drop off he would say sorry I can’t do it. And I’d just be expected to change my work schedule. I wish I had the opportunity sometimes to do that sometimes when I need to travel for work and be somewhere early. But hey ho, all too soon they’ll all be grown up and gone and I hope they always remember that whilst their dad might be some high ranking person work wise, it was mum that never let them down.

@Zanatdy I have no doubt in my mind that our children will absolutely realise who always had their backs and put them first, I'm seeing it happen with my boy already. It's sad that this is something he needs to realise though, and that his father can't just fulfill the parental responsibility that he has agreed to. Like I have done, with absolutely no help, for the last 10years. But that's not a mess of my doing I'm afraid.

I hope you and your kiddies are super happy, despite the shit father, and that you all continue to thrive and love one another for many decades to come x

Sad that you feel it inconvenient for your son to come home what ever the time whatever the circumstances.

Absolutely and my DC do already see it too. They do love their dad and at least he’s financially supporting them through university, but they can definitely see his shortcomings and appreciate that I was their constant. All the best to you and your son too, it’s hard work trying to be the constant person to pick up the slack and there’s no reason why you can’t have a relationship in the private time you do get so I totally get where you’re coming from having that time ruined, and unlike many others, I can see that it’s your ex that you’re frustrated with around your son being dropped off early, not your son. Others can see that too, but they just like to cause arguments on here! They need to hobby! Keep us updated OP and hope it goes ok.

Even sadder that you haven’t bothered to read beyond the first post. It’s staggering how often this happens here, and it’s happened numerous times on this thread - and that’s only based on my reading of all the OP’s posts and then a few that she’s quoted or commented on. Even just on that partial reading, I’ve seen several posts directly after hers that are clearly random blurt judgemental responses to the very first post, and there are bound to be more.

OP, like I say, I’ve read all of your posts and you’ve been very clear, consistent, and have obviously put a lot of thought into your approach to your dating, etc., and the potential impact on your son. Good luck over the next day or two kicking your ex up the arse, you’ve done absolutely nothing to justify criticism.

I do understand what you’re saying, but as your son gets older you are going to have to be more flexible in terms of him being able to access your house.

Of course lock the door, but take the keys out. It’s actually an open invitation to burglars to leave the keys in the door as they can loop them out via letter box. Though you have said you also bolt the door.

Irrespective of your ex dropping your son off at a not agreed time, your son is getting to that age where surely he should be able to unlock the door whenever he comes home. He’s now a teenager and things are going to change.

Cancelling the school bus just makes more drama for your son surely?

I understand your reasoning for not currently wanting to introduce your son to BF, but realistically this may all become known quite soon if your friends and family know and any innocent remarks may give this away sooner than you possibly anticipate.

If your ex is an arse, he’s an arse. Just perhaps don’t make it harder for your son by cancelling things like the school bus and bolting the door.

Thanks @Zanatdy

Thanks @bignosebignose x

@friendlycat thanks for the response

I absolutely won't be taking my keys out of the back of the door, or taking the chain off, it's a safety measure and I don't have a letterbox so that's not an issue. I wouldn't sleep at night knowing the house wasn't properly locked as a single woman living on my own.

Re: DS being able to let himself in at anytime, I absolutely agree but our set up is different due to our rural location. He obviously doesn't drive himself, so if he's out with friends or whatever, someone is driving him and collecting him. It's not like he can walk from town and just let himself in. If that was the case, things would be slightly different.

Cancelling the school bus will actually make things easier for my son. I have no problem dropping him in the mornings, he'd actually get a lie in at my house if I was dropping him. His bus is 8.10am and if I was dropping, he wouldn't have to leave the house til 8.40am.

By cancelling the school bus, his father would also be forced to drop him straight to school for 9am, meaning no more 6.20am wake ups so that his father can drop him here.

There won't be any innocent remarks. My family and friends are well accustomed to my separation of my life with my son, and my life with romantic partners. It's been like this for 10years and there's never been an innocent remark passed.

Just want to add what a brilliant mother you are. You put your son first always, keep your personal life (boyfriends) separate from your son. I absolutely admire that

Can't help with the text but n your shoes, I would want the dad to have weekend only and mabey tea in the week, just for consistency! you know where you are then.
what does you son want?

Definitely cancel the school bus

@carly2803 thank you so much, that really is a lovely thing to say and much appreciated. Despite the many, many lunatics on this thread, there's been such lovely supportive woman x

I have posted a little update on my conversation this evening with my boy in a previous post... Essentially, he's happy with the 50/50 arrangement for the moment, but wants the early morning drop offs to stop and he wants his dad to stop asking him to text me about changes, which I've promised him I'll sort.

He knows now that he has the autonomy to change his schedule whatever way he wants, all he has to do is discuss it with me and I'll make it happen.

It makes more and more sense the more I think about it. It will be the next step if this shit doesn't stop...

She said she'd been with someone 3 years and never said anything before! And that she would just announce she was marrying him if it came to that, without introduction, after DS was 18...

This is what you said. OP hasn’t said anything remotely like this in any of her posts.

This is what I'm considering sending tomorrow, suggestions for amendments welcome. I want to be clear, firm but not cause him to explode, I don't have the energy to deal with that.

"Ive said now a number of times that dropping (DS) early in the mornings is not always convenient. I didn’t see his message until he arrived this morning. I could have easily not been home, there could have easily not been a key in the key box.
Please arrange your working hours so that you do not need to drop him to my house 45mins before his school run, just because I live near and you feel like you can. I never once, in 8 years, depended on you to facilitate my early working hours when I was doing to school run to (Town).
In future, if you are stuck of a morning and really do need to drop him early, text me directly and in advance. (DS) shouldn’t be communicating this and I’ve told him he’s not to send me these messages anymore, it’s not his responsibility.

A chain isn't intended to be used when the door is locked.

You're meant to put the chain on before you open the door, so the person knocking can't barge their way in, then once you've closed and locked the door again, take the chain off. Leaving it on when the door is locked could impede your exit in a fire.

@dcsp that's incorrect I'm afraid, and I actually receive a small reduction in my insurance for having it fitted.

@dcsp and we do have many other exits in the house, including tiered roofs that we can exit via. I'm actually super paranoid about fire, my mom had a fire plan for every house we lived in when we were younger.

OP, I think your planned text is good but I would take out the bit about you never having imposed on him the way he is imposing on you. Even though this is true, it makes the tone too combative and won’t be helpful. (I speak from experience of saying similar things to my ex and witnessing him become even more intransigent.)

I sympathise with your situation; my ex is an arsehole for the same reasons and more. I also sympathise with your frustration with some of the posters on here. However, I find your language to @MartinCrieffsLemon quite shocking - namely:

How about you just leave this thread now, your contribution has been unintelligent at best, and just plain fucking stupid and judgemental at worst.

I don’t think this helps your cause, and to complain about the behaviour of some women on Mumsnet on the one hand and then post like this on the other just seems bizarre - no matter how frustrated you are.

Good luck with sorting things with your ex.

@notwavingbutdrowning1 thank you for your advice on the wording for the text, I definitely understand what you're saying and take that on board.

However, I can't take on board the criticism of my language towards @MartinCrieffsLemon. That poster has judged me, judged my mothering, judged my relationship and I personally think that I was quite restrained in my retorts to their ridiculous comments about the fantasy they created in their heads about me. Their contribution was unintelligent, they weren't even capable of reading the thread. I could have said far, far worse.

I was also more than restrained in my responses to other posters who I believe unnecessarily criticised and judged things about my life that bear no relevance to this situation or my capability as a mother. In fact, I thanked a number of them for their time and contribution.

@MyHouseIsABusStop I rather think you're text will rile your ex if you had problems with him before.

Make it about your son, he is the important one. How does your son feel about just going to his dad's to sleep, effectively getting up very early to be dropped at yours? Would he prefer to not have to get up so early on those days by extra time at yours?

I suggest your text should be more along the lines of making it easier for your son (not having to get up so early) with the bonus for ex (he won't have to get up quite so early when he has to go to work early). And that if that changes the proportion from 50:50, you want to be reasonable about this but obviously son will need extra to cover the additional costs of food, electricity etc. at yours but obviously ex will gain from much less travelling costs both ways, as well as gaining the time, so it shouldn't be too bad for him.

@MyHouseIsABusStop

Many parents do things differently. It doesn’t mean they are judging you. You asked for opinions and that is what you got. I don’t see why you get to criticise those that don’t agree with you.

After reading your posts and as a parent of teenagers,

I would never have deadbolts on a door which blocks my teenagers gaining entry to their home with a key. I do have a ring doorbell, security cameras, an alarm and security lights all of which my teenagers have navigated independently since primary age. My children lost many keys but I always replaced them so they always had their own key on their person.

I would not have strangers to my children staying in their home overnight for them to potentially discover. This goes for them too as they got older and had partners. In fact my Uni going teenager is navigating a house share now with 5 others and this is one of the rules they have all agreed to, no strangers overnight permitted and they have just turned 19. It doesn’t matter that your BF is not a stranger to you, he is to your DS.

I hope your ex does change but I doubt it very much but it doesn’t change the fact that for whatever reason your DC felt like he had to apologise for this entire situation.

Non of this is judging you it is highlighting how I parent differently, that is all.

Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

No the sad thing about this is that your ex is going to cause issues for your DS. I strongly suggest you introduce your boyfriend so that doesn't happen unexpectedly.

Son is coming back unexpectedly due to Dad not keeping to the plans...

This.