About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

Increasingly, if you post anything on AIBU, you just get torn down. I think it attracts all the trolls (many of which are probably male).

Anyway, you sound sensible about your BF and you're perfectly entitled to a love life - if you wanted to shag a different guy every night when you don't have your son, that would be your own business and wouldn't make you less of a good mother, although I can just imagine the responses on here. The double standards are, indeed, ridiculous and quite saddening.

She's said that she lives in a rural area, so that wouldn't be possible anyway, until the DS is old enough to drive. Otherwise he's reliant on parents for lifts, or the bus, and in most rural areas you're lucky to get a couple of buses a day.

Absolutely agree.
It is utterly toxic.

Thank goodness the OP knows better than to be paying attention to such twatty posters.

How smug

Good text to ex, OP.

If he doesn’t change, I would rock up to his home on his day off and ring his doorbell at an ungodly hour, see how he likes it.

I agree keep text 100% focused on DS needs. Take out all emotion oe anything to do with you him as he sounds like the type of character that is spoiling for a fight and an opportunity to sabotage you.

keep yourself out of punching distance - give him zero indication that he has got under your skin as that will give him enormous pleasure.

I am wondering if your ex knows you have a BF and has already hinted to DS?

I get why you dont want to expose your DS to a blended family but I struggle with at 14 not being honest that you are seeing someone but telling him that there is no need to meet etc. There is none of the bad outcomes you have witnessed with this approach. However I do wonder what trust will be broken between you and your DS if/when someone else innocently mentions it to him - maybe a one of his friends parents, a neighbour, a friend of your DP who has a connection - or he sees you together. Or in the case of your ex maliciously mentions it to him? I expect your DS would be disappointed that you withheld this info rather than you have a BF. Just some outside thoughts - no need to defend or take on board - my intention is the nurturing the best relationship beween your and your DS - because soon if not already he will sense that his DF is an untrustworthy and unreliable parent.

Son is coming back unexpectedly due to Dad not keeping to the plans...

My family has years of DSis first ex doing this even with a very young child. If DSis was out he leave very young child on doorstep till neighbours threaten police if he did it one more time - so he'd drive few more miles to my parents house and leave her there at door. It meant my DP felt they could never leave house on his contact time just in case. Only thing that stopped it was DN hitting secondary realising what a shit her dad was reducing contact massive till it trailed off pretty much entirely by 15.

She now has second ex doing the demanding contact then not turning up shit.

Ex's being dicks is rife sadly.

OP sound like cancelling the bus may be best option if the text produces no change- but he may just drop him earlier to an empty house then DS can't get in to school - though that happens few times contact would have to be changed to weekdays with you.

OP I've had a go at rewriting your text, taking the emotion out of it and focusing on your DS. I'm sure it's not perfect but hope it helps

"Hi X. I wanted to address the ongoing issue with dropping DS off early or him being left here until he can be picked up. This morning, I didn’t see his message until he arrived and I was only be chance at home. I'm concerned that with these last minute changes he will find himself unable to get in: I'm also concerned at the impact these early mornings are having on him with the focus he needs at school.
Please arrange your working hours so that you do not need to drop him to my house 45mins before his school run. If you have issues with this then I'm happy to discuss changing our days. If by exception you have an emergency and need to drop him off early, please text me directly. It's not fair for either of us to use DS to communicate to each other and I've told him he's not to send me these messages anymore and that you will be doing it."

I get why you dont want to expose your DS to a blended family but I struggle with at 14 not being honest that you are seeing someone but telling him that there is no need to meet etc. There is none of the bad outcomes you have witnessed with this approach.

I think 13-14 is about as young as I'd suggest doing this - I have a boy friend he's not going to be part of your life but you may bump into him leaving. Op seems adamant it's too much for her DS.

My teens had own keys at 11 - just on off chance they needed them and by 14 despite growing up in a rural village we did get about by ourselves on feet, bikes buses and lifts from friends parents - though times have changed I suppose.

So this does all give impression of a really young 14 year old and OP does know him whereas none of us do.

Thank for the messages this morning. Super busy today so will be delayed in responding

@SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun I understand and appreciate what you're saying about telling my son. But I genuinely believe if I said 'I have a boy friend he's not going to be part of your life but you may bump into him leaving' that that is even worse. It would leave him thinking, well why won't I meet him, and then being concerned that he'll meet some strange man coming and going from the house. Or thinking that every time he's not with me, I'm with this strange man and wondering what we're doing. He doesn't need this worry in his life, and my wants for a relationship absolutely don't trump his needs.

I don't want a partner to be part of my son's life when he is a child. I've seen first hand the damage that new partners and blended families cause children more often than not and no relationship is worth that to me. I'd sooner be single, and I'd be more than happy single.

When he's older and has flown the nest, I won't have an issue with telling him I'm dating, after an appropriate period of time has passed. But it's just not important enough to me right now to take the risk of hurting my son.

@BobVanceVanceRefridgeration thank you so much for this. It's so helpful to have someone who is not emotionally involved review these things I will definitely make use of this.

@SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun god, I'm so sorry to hear about your sister's experience. I know there are plenty of dickhead women, but honestly, the level of men that shirk their parental responsibility and expect the women in their lives to pick up after them is shocking.

@AnonymousBleep Correct, in my area, there isn't even public buses. The bus DS gets is specifically for the school. We are completely inaccessible unless you drive.

@Spiderbite4 I will not compromise my personal safety, as a single woman in a rural location, by not using my chain/deadbolt, just in case my ex decides he wants to drop my son off early. A Ring doorbell, lights and security cameras are not going to stop someone breaking into my house in the middle of the night and attacking me.

I'd remove all the emotive bits tbh. You've said you don't want a fight so don't give him the opportunity to turn this into one:

"Please arrange your working hours so that you do not need to drop DS to my house 45mins before his school run. It's a breach of our 50/50 childshare agreement and I cannot guarantee that I will be at home or that he will be able to access the house.
In future, if there's an emergency and you have no alternative but to drop him early, text me directly and in advance (the night before at the latest) so that I can make suitable arrangements, if necessary.
Thanks."

@MyHouseIsABusStop my concern has always been that my teenage kids might be scared and struggling to get in their home or waiting for me to get to the door. This again is how we see things differently. A ring door bell, an alarm would alert you to an intruder before they are trying to get in the door and it also means my children feel safe and have quick access to their home without the need for banging on their door to wake people and experience a delay. I am always afraid if someone is following them home and they need to get in their home quickly, they are my priority and I know the other safety measures I have in place protect us both inside and outside!

Alarms on doors will set off if anyone even tries to giggle the door.

You are very defensive and fail to see anyone else’s point of view at all. You are rigid in your thinking and you do come across like it is your way only at all times that is the right way. Why post for advice at all. You only seem to listen to those that defend your way.

You sound a great mum @MyHouseIsABusStop and yes take back control of this situation. I wish you well.

@Spiderbite4 thank you for your input and I'm sorry that you feel that way. As you rightly pointed out, we parent differently.

As for the home security, we will agree to disagree. Our domestic set ups are different, therefore require different security measures.

He's 14, not 4. It's not ok to compartmentalise your life this way without a plan to involve your DS at some point. He's not stupid, he's 14, he will find out eventually and will feel like you've lied to him. Trust me, smart savvy 14 year olds don't like to feel duped. My DH's kids were younger than that when he told them about me, we waited quite a while with good reason and the then 10 year old was quite cross that she hadn't been told sooner.

Different circumstances. OP has quite clearly stated that she is not looking for a stepdad for her son so there's no need to confuse her grown-up private life with her child-centred family life. Never mind no need, she'd actively give up the grown-up relationship rather than let it affect her son. Plenty of adults have close friends who are not involved in their children's lives, this is just a closer friend than most.

It might not be what everyone would want to do but it's the OP's clearly thought-out choice and not actually the point of the thread anyway. (The point being how to get the ex-H to pull his weight.)

@GuestFeatu thank you for your response. However, the thread is not about whether I should it or should not introduce my son to my BF. That is a non negotiation as I know it is not in my son's best interest.

The thread is about whether or not I am reasonable to expect my ex to stick to an agreed schedule that has been in place for years, and not use me and my home to pick up the slack with his shitty parenting.

You have missed my point. It's not necessary or in fact desirable to keep your relationship entirely secret from your teenage child, and most teenagers when they find out will be at best confused and at worst angry about secrets being kept. It also kind of is the point of the thread, as OP's issue is that she wants guaranteed child free time so she can have a secret relationship which is getting less and less practical now her DS is a teenager. He's going to get more and more flexible as he gets older and no way should he be apologising for being dropped at his own house early or whatever. It's weird and clearly the OP has made him aware of how annoyed she is no matter how much she thinks she hasn't. This type of secrecy is going to bite her in the bum.

Of course it's not unreasonable. But your ex isn't a reasonable person, so why are you getting cross that he is behaving exactly according to his nature and type? Time to respond to the changing nature of parenting a teenager rather than a child.

In my case it is necessary. You're not privy to the intricacies of my life, or my son's, or either of our lived experiences.

And my main issue is not that I don't have free time to conduct a relationship, I'd happily be single and just give up any relationship. My issues, amongst others, are that I am constantly woken after very long shifts, heating and food bills through the roof, son being woken at stupid o clock to be taken to a school 25mins away, and the sense of entitlement by the man I left 10years ago, his assumption that others, all women, will pick up his slack and just put up and shut up.

This 'secrecy' hasn't bitten me once yet in 10years, and I don't anticipate it happening over the next 4. My son isn't aware of all of my friends, he doesn't know half of them, and as @bignosebignose pointed out, BF is just a closer friend than most, so why would I feel the need to risk making him uncomfortable by introducing him/making him aware of this relationship. It's pointless

I really worry about dog attacks in the rural house we own too that is why it is so important to me my kids can get in their house quickly. My brother was followed home after school when we were kids (no mobile phones then) he just managed to get in the door in time. Police were involved and everything. This has obviously impacted why I want my kids to have their own keys and access 24/7.

As you say we parent differently with different priorities and perceived risks to our children and ourselves.

I wish you all the best sorting your ex out. I hope he listens and changes.

Thanks @Spiderbite4. That's so scary for your children, and I understand your POV and reasons for your own security measures more as a result.

Dog attacks are definitely not an issue where I am, more likely to be approached by a cow or sheep, and even that's not likely! And as my DS needs to be dropped to the door, due to the very rural location (nearest centre of any life is 7km away), there's little to no risk of him being followed home.

Thanks again and I hope this gets sorted too

Just thinking…..keep a diary so when this sort of thing happens, you have times and dates.

What you should do is advise him that the reason you didn't go for CS is due to this been a 50/50 arrangement as it seems to be no longer the case unless he can accommodate your needs too then you may have to apply to court for a parent plan to be put into place and CS if that's going to be less that 50/50 for him

Your poor son that sounds so miserable, being passed back and forth like an inconvenience. He surely is aware of it. Now he is secondary school age why not ask him what he wants to do about living arrangements? I bet he would choose to live with you full time and just visit his dad when he actually has time for him. Not having a permanent base is so disregulating. As a teen I stopped visiting my dad completely because it was so disruptive.

also tell him about the boyfriend and then it won’t be a big deal.