About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

Another bloody victim blaming post !! The only thing in OP’s ‘history’ is being the best mum she can be to her son, and that includes not involving him in her dating habits until she’s sure that the relationship will last. She’s given several very good reasons why she doesn’t want to disclose she’s dating, not the least of which is that DS is dealing with his dad’s new blended family - which I suspect is the real reason for his reluctance to step up to his responsibilities with his son. So why would she be angry at ex for a decision she has made with her sons’ best interests in mind ? She doesn’t need to change her own behaviour. If you’ve read her updates, she’s prepared to do whatever is necessary for her son, up to and including ending her relationship if it’s warranted.

I agree. The double standards are astounding. Numerous threads shredding OP’s for introducing their children to their boyfriends. But that doesn’t stop the pile on even when someone like the OP posts out of clear concern for her son.

FFS read the thread !!

You keep saying how your son is the most important person in all this however your actions (which often speak louder than words) say the complete opposite. This poor boy. Being dumped off by his dad and lied to by his mum…..

OP has already had this conversation with her son. It’s in the updates. And how many times does OP have to repeat that she’s not ready to tell her son about her BF. She knows her son. He’s dealing with his dad’s blended family and OP doesn’t want to overload him. Her first concern is her son.

Read the thread FFS !! This is just not true. Why are so many people twisting OP’s words to suit their own narrative. She’s not lying to her son, she’s just not ready to tell him about the relationship for her own reasons, including not overloading her son because he’s already dealing with his dads’ new family. Her son hasn’t asked about her dating, so how is she lying ?

Enlighten me... what actions have I outlined in my post that demonstrate my son is not the most important thing in my life.

And what have I lied to my son about?

The first and main one being that you are making him feel awkward and having to apologize about being at his home! He’s reacting that way because that’s the vibe he’s getting from you. I know you’re cross with your ex and that is understandable but your boy is 14, they know so much more than they let in at that age. He needs to feel welcome in his home regardless of your or his relationship with his father.

@Insertcreativenamehere have you even read the thread, beyond the OP? My son has apologised in the past because he knows his dad shouldn't be doing what he's doing, he knows his dad shouldn't be asking him to be the go between by texting me, he knows that I work incredibly hard and waking me up because his father has just dropped him at my door unannounced is not ideal... nothing in my behaviour ever makes him feel uncomfortable or unwanted. This is a narrative you've made up yourself.

@Rosscameasdoody No victim blaming from me, you have misunderstood my post.

I was asking if OP would feel the same if she were single. It's a reasonable question to try and unpick if she's just plain pissed off at her ex (as she's entitled to be) or whether she's extra pissed off because her son is coming home when BF is there.

Given that her ex is a dickhead and she's unlikely to be successful in changing his behaviour, it might be helpful to analyse her reaction to the situation.

I'm in no way excusing her ex's behaviour nor telling OP she has to tell her son that she's in a relationship- just trying to understand her feelings.

Please don't make your son feel bad about the drop offs. It makes sense for your husband to do this I think. Better that your son be with you than strangers. However, perhaps he does owe you more in maintenance if that helps. Your son sounds like a sweet kid; don't ruin him with negative energy.

Nope. Read the thread. Has been asked and answered many times. DS is picking up on the fact that his father drops him off at the earliest opportunity - sometimes a whole day early. And his father is making DS call OP to tell her he’s being dropped off early - that’s why he’s apologising. His dad should be doing that himself, but clearly doesn’t want direct contact with OP because that would entail a conversation about the arrangement.

lf you’d read the OP’s updates you would have seen this, from one of her most recent posts:

I've actually just had a short conversation with my son. I told him I never again want to hear him apologise for coming home, this is his home and he has nothing to be apologetic for.

I've said his dad is obviously struggling with the school run (he actually asked why I never did!) and that I wanted him to know that, while we've had the same arrangement for 10years, things can change and he's older now and can choose to make changes. I told him I would absolutely love to have him here with me more, but that it's not about me, it's about whatever makes him happy and his life easier and more enjoyable.

He said he is happy with the schedule now, and I understand that. He needs routine and while he's slowly realising his dad is an arse, he still loves his father. He said he wishes he didn't have to get up at 6.20am to go to school because his dad can't sort his schedule out and wants me to talk to him about that. He told me if his mind changes about the schedule, he'll let me know. He had a little emotional cry and we had a big cuddle, some kisses and said we both love each other so much. I've also told him he is not to text me anymore about early drop offs at the request of his father, that that is not his responsibility and I've said I'll tell his father that as well.

That pretty much addresses everything in your post. There’s a little button at the top of every OP entitled ‘see all’. On long threads it’s worth clicking before posting. Especially when you’re trying to shift blame to the mother for the actions of a shit father.

Shit dad can’t won’t sort himself out to provide proper input during his time with his son. Shit dad also now has another partner with kids of her own - a blended family. How do you think DS feels when his dad constantly dumps him home, sometimes a full day early ? And you think OP is at fault ?

Your son doesn’t sound very loved to me, it just reads of resentment and the issue is not about money. Poor guy. It’s hard for you to see now, but in decades to come you will wonder why you got your priorities skewed. Own up to boyfriend or go without depends how serious he is. You can be affecting a young man’s mental health for life by your general tone of despair at his presence. It really is such a short time before these responsibilities will lessen. Be the better person, stop seeing it as a fight with your ex. This is your child you brought into the world, both of you are treating him like an unwanted bargaining chip. You think your ex will take advantage of you, yep he probably will, but you will be the gainer not the loser. Now make that son feel welcome fake it till you make it there’s a lot at stake for all your futures. Your generosity now will make all the difference.

Your son sounds like a lovely lad OP and you have a close relationship.
It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks , the important thing is having an arrangement that works and your son is happy with and with no nasty atmosphere from his parents.
The school bus really is complicating things Lay it out in simple terms for the Ex that you will have no choice but to cancel the school bus if he can’t sort himself out.
Your son is a teenager who needs his sleep and having to get up so earlier is affecting him.
Sometimes bully’s need it laying out for them he will be the one not seeing his son as much if he continues to play power games .

What utter bollocks. Scroll upthread a bit and look at my repost of OP’s latest conversation with her son. Every single issue you’ve brought up here has been addressed and resolved with him, and she’s going to talk to her ex about his behaviour. ‘Tone of despair about his presence’ my arse. The tone of despair is about her ex’s consistent failure to tact responsibly towards his son.

You’re accusing the OP of affecting her sons’ mental health. Did it escape your notice that his dad is in another relationship in which there are other children ? How do you think DS’s mental health will be affected by regularly being essentially sent ‘home’ up to a day early - it sends a message that his dad wants as little to do with him as possible and that his priorities are with his new family.

If residence is 50/50 the boy should be equally welcome in both homes. Clearly this isn’t the case at his dad’s, but the OP is getting shit for it. The number of posters quite willing to blame another woman for the failings of her ex is utterly ridiculous. I don’t think I’ve seen many threads where posters have either totally misunderstood the issue, or tried to spin it to their own narrative.

Nope, not just pissed just because I have a BF... I've been pissed off since this started happening and this is going into the 3rd year and I've not been with BF that long.

I'm pissed off at the sense of entitlement, the assumption that I have no life and am at his beck and call, the man I left 10years ago, to pick up his slack. There's been days he's dropped him where I've been away with work for days, no heating in the house on, no snacks in the fridge. The my son that suffers in this situation obviously l.

I was pissed off before this, but obviously having a BF adds another layer of complexity and puts me in a situation where I'm not free to conduct a relationship, in what is supposed to be my free time, in my own home.

Oh do bugger off and read the full thread before you start accusing me of not loving and prioritising my son. What a horrible, horrible comment, shame on you.

Thanks @Pumpkinpie1 despite what other posters have assumed, my son and I are exceptionally close, friends and family always comment on the lovely relationship we have, due I suppose to the fact that it has been me and him only for the last 10years.

My son has said he is happy with the 50/50 for the moment so I need to try and make this work and make his father fulfill his end of responsibilities to make this happen.

My boy knows that I am thinking of cancelling the school bus if this continues and he has completely agreed, knowing this will stop his father waking him at stupid o clock because he needs to drop him straight to the school.

This will be the next step if things don't improve.

I've half read the thread so may repeat and I apologise if I do!

Have you asked your son if he would prefer to be with you more in the week, to make it easier for school? He could see Dad at weekends or dinners after school? As he gets older, he's less likely to want to keep traipsing between two houses. If you live nearer to the school, I'm assuming you're nearer to his friends etc?

As far as maintenance goes, it's up you. Rather than asking for X amount a month, would your ex respond better to DS needs trainers, he's found these for £70 you owe me £30 or here is the school uniform list, let me know what you're getting or give me half of

As for your relationship, good for you for not rushing the meeting between them. It will happen when you think it's right and not when anyone else decides.

It sounds extremely infuriating and I can imagine I would feel the same as you - you have all my sympathies, OP.

Have you messaged your ex yet as you said upthread you were thinking of doing?

@TeenagersAngst I actually didn't end up sending the message yesterday, this week has been so crazy with work and I was exhausted when I got home, but I'll send this evening once my day is done. Hopefully there won't be any backlash from it.

RTFT

The son is 14, not a little child who needs looking after anymore.

Surely he's reaching the age when he is choosing where to spend his time between the two houses rather than having a fixed, rigid contact schedule?

Over the next few years he will start to choose where he spends the night, and could therefore appear home at any time.

He needs to completely feel all to come and go from his home at any time.

That's the most important thing.

If you don't want him to know about the boyfriend then he needs to not visit your house.