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AIBU?

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Original poster

solo day out - unwanted company

535 replies

FrescoeDay · 10/09/2024 21:16

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

OP posts:
MoveToParis · 11/09/2024 10:23

FrescoeDay · 11/09/2024 10:13

OK, here's the update.

I'm going tomorrow. All fine. I hope my pp show that I was 100% mea culpa about getting very riled and knowing I was potentially making a mountain out of a molehill. If I was on my high horse I did want a way down.

Of course, too, I was most of all cross at myself. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser. In a way that's what tripped me up because I was on the back foot.

For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. I had told the woman in the room next to me about my plans. I went to get food and came back and she was telling this man about when she had been to this town and seen the frescoes. (It is the main destination from here). Most residents go at some point. This is where he jumped in.

Did I think he fancied me, yes, sure, I did to be honest. Did I think he was Hannibal Lector or a sleaze bag - no. I didn't think he'd make a pass, just that he would take my time because it suited him. Also that he was treating the place like an adult summer camp. For instance he was asking for my neighbour's number so he could text her 'if she was up' and they could watch the presidential debate together (at 3am? On a retreat! She's American, was the link) .

Anyway, this morning I thought, OK, he may think we're just sharing a car; if he doesn't I can quickly disabuse him. I said good morning, he said, 'So have you decided what we are going to see?' Me: Oh, no, this is a solo day out for me. I don't enjoy looking at art with other people. I may only go to a couple of places anyway, it's so hot.' Him: 'Well let's chose a couple that we'll each see and we can talk about them over lunch.' Me: No, as I say, I want to spend today alone. Him, shrug. We get in the car, drive to the station. The driver says What time am I picking you up? Me: Well, it may be separately. (We both have his number). Him: well maybe we could swap numbers so we can coordinate a time to get the train back. Me: Oh that sounds like a faff, I won't enjoy being on the clock. Why don't you go today and I'll go tomorrow. This heat looks too much for me already.

Mild consternation, and felt a bit silly getting driven back but - enough. So - here I am.

Thank you for the understanding replies. To repeat, I knew I was reacting possibly OTT; It's sorted, he was a mild annoyance and I should have nipped it in the bud but the bud is nipped now.

Brava!

Genuinely congratulations on handling the situation so well. Clear, unambiguous and polite. A masterclass, in several fronts- anticipating the non-acceptance of No, clear articulation and boundary management.

Standing Ovation.

alrightluv · 11/09/2024 10:25

Hopefully you've taught him a lesson. He was very presumptuous imo.

AGoingConcern · 11/09/2024 10:27

Sounds like you handled his decision to be obtuse fantastically, OP. Hopefully tomorrow is cooler as well for your (brilliantly) solo outing.

SunGreen · 11/09/2024 10:30

What an annoying little pr*ck. Well done for extracting yourself. But similar to what others have, said how predictable and tedious that this man thought you were there as a support human to his needs. You sound lovely OP (and don’t worry I’m not going to try and meet you 😂).
Enjoy the rest of your retreat - it’s sounds blissful.

pinkdelight · 11/09/2024 10:35

Wow! Well done OP. So annoying how much he needed telling, and still probably couldn't comprehend that you wouldn't love his company all day/for lunch/on the train back. Also this:

'So have you decided what we are going to see?'

Who does he think you are? His personal tour guide?? The gall of some guys!

GameofPhones · 11/09/2024 10:35

The problem is that the default response to a 'No' is that it is rude, or requires explanation. So there is normally a reluctance to say a bald 'No', and this is hugely taken advantage of by salespeople (and men in relation to women).

Equally 'if you don't mind' has hidden depths. The person saying it is presuming consent. They state their intention, proceed accordingly, without waiting for a response, and so the tag 'if you don't mind' is a token politeness only. One way out is to say 'sorry, I DO mind', but even this requires some social footwork depending on the context. 'The 'sorry' here is a nod to the default negative response, showing that the refuser is still expected to justify themselves.

I fully sympathise with the OP, and also thank her for raising such a fascinating topic (I used to teach sociolinguistics). The more we understand these subtleties, the better we will be able to train and defend ourselves.

Holidayhell22 · 11/09/2024 10:35

You have so done the best thing op.
What a jerk he sounds, overstepping your boundaries.
For future reference I would jump straight in with: Well I suppose I can’t stop you going to X but I intend to go alone. I don’t want to go with anyone else.
Any further talk from the unwelcome hanger on can be met with:
Like I have said, I want to go alone but sure, I can’t stop anyone else from going.

Capachoochoo · 11/09/2024 10:36

It's also interesting how he was possibly trying to get your number too- well done on steering clear of that!

SpiderGwen · 11/09/2024 10:38

You handled that beautifully! As a bonus, he’s out of everyone’s hair today.

GoldenLegend · 11/09/2024 10:39

Just hope he doesn’t try to go with you tomorrow! You’ve been clear enough though that you can make it a definite ‘no, leave me alone’ if he does.

sarahtalkstoomuch · 11/09/2024 10:39

Good for you for making it work.

TeenageSwans · 11/09/2024 10:40

Well handled, OP. I imagine you're feeling far less cross with yourself, Enjoy the frescoes when you do see them. (If it's the Scrovegni chapel in Padua, I'm green with envy!)

5starzz · 11/09/2024 10:42

FrescoeDay · 11/09/2024 10:13

OK, here's the update.

I'm going tomorrow. All fine. I hope my pp show that I was 100% mea culpa about getting very riled and knowing I was potentially making a mountain out of a molehill. If I was on my high horse I did want a way down.

Of course, too, I was most of all cross at myself. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser. In a way that's what tripped me up because I was on the back foot.

For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. I had told the woman in the room next to me about my plans. I went to get food and came back and she was telling this man about when she had been to this town and seen the frescoes. (It is the main destination from here). Most residents go at some point. This is where he jumped in.

Did I think he fancied me, yes, sure, I did to be honest. Did I think he was Hannibal Lector or a sleaze bag - no. I didn't think he'd make a pass, just that he would take my time because it suited him. Also that he was treating the place like an adult summer camp. For instance he was asking for my neighbour's number so he could text her 'if she was up' and they could watch the presidential debate together (at 3am? On a retreat! She's American, was the link) .

Anyway, this morning I thought, OK, he may think we're just sharing a car; if he doesn't I can quickly disabuse him. I said good morning, he said, 'So have you decided what we are going to see?' Me: Oh, no, this is a solo day out for me. I don't enjoy looking at art with other people. I may only go to a couple of places anyway, it's so hot.' Him: 'Well let's chose a couple that we'll each see and we can talk about them over lunch.' Me: No, as I say, I want to spend today alone. Him, shrug. We get in the car, drive to the station. The driver says What time am I picking you up? Me: Well, it may be separately. (We both have his number). Him: well maybe we could swap numbers so we can coordinate a time to get the train back. Me: Oh that sounds like a faff, I won't enjoy being on the clock. Why don't you go today and I'll go tomorrow. This heat looks too much for me already.

Mild consternation, and felt a bit silly getting driven back but - enough. So - here I am.

Thank you for the understanding replies. To repeat, I knew I was reacting possibly OTT; It's sorted, he was a mild annoyance and I should have nipped it in the bud but the bud is nipped now.

Excellent. Well done you.

Dont be annoyed with yourself for not reacting in the moment - we are socailised to be polite - your body told you something was off with him as well as it was not what you wanted. The behaviour you describe of him with others and his persistence tells you in your gut you had already sensed his slimeball motives - loads of creeps go on things like this to hit on vulnerable women.

Thursdaygirl · 11/09/2024 10:43

Hillcrest2022 · 11/09/2024 10:22

Well done. I was furious in your behalf reading that exchange... he didn't make it easy for you did he?!! So glad you enforced your boundaries.

Well done OP

OhTediosity · 11/09/2024 10:45

Well done, OP.

Thursdaygirl · 11/09/2024 10:46

I've just looked at the other thread, mentioned above 'do you invite yourself to places' - good god no, that's so rude!!

PadstowGirl · 11/09/2024 10:51

He's not gone on that retreat to find himself has he? He's gone to find himself a women.

Well done for standing up for yourself. I have always found the classic MN retort "That doesn't work for me" very useful in all situations where my boundaries are being pushed.

As an aside would you be kind enough to share where you are staying (as a pm) as it sounds bloody amazing. I've been on a few UK retreats but never abroad.

Babyworriesreal · 11/09/2024 10:54

Good job OP - I can't believe he was so persistent. I wouldn't put it past him to want to go tommorrow too. If so a "no thanks, as I said, I'm going alone" , followed by a well deserved piss off if still needed. Enjoy tommorrow.

AlisonDonut · 11/09/2024 10:55

Well done OP. Enjoy today and then, enjoy tomorrow!

5starzz · 11/09/2024 10:55

A good tactic when we are caught off guard is to do the non-commital "errmm I will need think about that...." - just change the pace. But its not easy.

It's also 100% acceptable to change your mind / update your preferences at any point - politely but directly. The worst is excuses with these sorts - they alwsys find an in .."its too hot' ...OK lerts go later in the day.

Just a No is sufficient - let it hang uncomfortably in the air if needs be - and a 'because I dont want to' or 'that doesnt work for me' if needed.

You dont owe anyone an explanation or justificstion as to your preferences or how you choose to soend your hard earned time.

5starzz · 11/09/2024 10:57

Babyworriesreal · 11/09/2024 10:54

Good job OP - I can't believe he was so persistent. I wouldn't put it past him to want to go tommorrow too. If so a "no thanks, as I said, I'm going alone" , followed by a well deserved piss off if still needed. Enjoy tommorrow.

I can.

He's that entitled, intrusive type.

The OP knew this in her gut with his first interaction.

HellonHeels · 11/09/2024 11:00

Selfish entitlement, he really didn't care what you wanted, just what he wanted. I find that really creepy and unsettling.

Very well done asserting yourself.

Cattery · 11/09/2024 11:03

FrescoeDay · 10/09/2024 21:33

This would work and I may end up with a variation but isn't it annoying that you have to almost have this little pretend intimacy/ lie to get your time. As if they're doing you a favour.

Show quote history

Oh definitely. I’d be fuming. Piss off and leave me alone. Having to make small talk all day is jarring and draining.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 11/09/2024 11:04

@FrescoeDay enjoy your alone time tomorrow!

I'm more concerned you're on a retreat in a beautiful country and spending 2 hours in the evening on Mumsnet!!! That's not relaxing!😂

BunsHun · 11/09/2024 11:06

Shadowbox7 · 10/09/2024 21:41

Post sounds completely ridiculous & of course you could have said you were going on your own over dinner. Look at the language, hopping mad, cross, hacked off, resentment, rude, resentment, awkward, animosity , so much drama. I'd highly doubt anyone would want to be around this negativity on a day out anyway. 🙄

Interesting that you say this when your negativity is pretty potent... Please go somewhere else with that