solo day out - unwanted company

[FrescoeDay]

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

This totally baffles me. It is so difficult to know what another person wants when they expect you to mind read. So someone on what sounds like a group holiday mentions they plan to go somewhere you’re also planning to go. Is the thing to do to keep quiet, ignore that tgey told you and then turn up doing the same thing (& presumably be accused of stalking, or being unfriendly)?
Or to mention it - especially as it sounds like sharing the lift to the station makes sense

i understand being upset if you tell them you want to go alone and they insist on tagging along. But as far as I can tell, you’ve given no indication you’d be happier going alone - so haven’t given them the chance to say of course, let’s do our own thing.

for all you know, the evil man was hoping for a quiet day to himself - but felt awkward knowing he was planning to turn up in the same location so thought he’d better mention it and is now hoping going together doesn’t mean you’ll tag along with him all day.

if people actually say what they mean it makes it a lot easier to not upset them!!

Exactly this

This OP! Great post

@FrescoeDay

I wasn't suggesting that she report him to the police or anything. That would be overkill.

I agreed with a pp that she left him to it and went another day.

I can see how his words “I am coming along, -if you don't mind” annoyed you. It’s as if he considered you to be the event organiser for the hotel you are staying in. It was a bit presumptuous of him, especially if that’s all he said, in which case I’d find him to be a bit of an odd bod, to be honest.

Is that really all he said?

Didn’t he chat on a bit about the town you are visiting or make any other small talk at all?
How did he approach you - was he at the same table for dinner. Had you been chatting enthusiastically about your plans or about the town and its attractions or were you sitting in silence as he approached you out of the blue, without any introduction and said “ I am coming along - if you don’t mind”
It’s hard to set the scene around the words he said.

But anyway yes, you are over-reacting a bit I’d say.
No need to be so angry. I wouldn’t be angry with a friendly approach, (as you say, you are capable of sorting it) but I would be concerned if he was a weirdo and would simply use the hot day excuse not to turn up for the taxi -without telling anybody else you changed your mind.

I think it’s possible he somehow misread your signals.
Or maybe he’s lonely or a bit socially awkward and overstepped because of that.

Or maybe he just wants to share a taxi.

I’m normally super polite, and had OP for example been in front of me, or was an employee we could have talked through the whole scenario and even practiced responses.
It is pretty clear from the thread that there are many people that can handle the situation simply and directly. OP couldn’t or wouldn’t, and is now steaming about it.

But actually I do think that OP needs to take some responsibility for what she said and did. She went along with it. Now we can argue the toss about whether his rudeness at presuming to join absolves her of any responsibility for her own actions or feelings. I would say no. But fundamentally, she does have agency and the more you practice using it, the easier it becomes.

It’s obvious that there is a theme here and that’s why I used the salty language- OP doesn’t take any responsibility for her own actions- she’s choosing to be a victim. Knowing you can’t say anything and yet choosing over years not to take action on that does make you odd.
Knowing you won’t say anything and choosing to just ignore people and send them daggers through your sunnies does qualify as just-a-cunt. (Best version is it’s laughably pathetic)

I completely get where you're coming from, I would feel the same in your shoes. Like me you probably need to work at being better at articulating your own needs and preferences even at the risk of seeming rude, inconsiderate or whatever.

Yes, exactly this - no need to make up strange excuses or bang on about being alone being a ‘huge treat’. Just politely tell him what you’re doing and do it.

You don't actually know if he even wants to spend the day with you. He might just want the lift.
Assume that is the case and simply say - lets arrange to get on the same train home at the end of the day and meet back at the first station so life is easy for the retreat car and it doesn't have to do the journey twice.

Exactly this. I've also done retreats at country houses in Italy where the organisation will have arrangements with a local taxi to ferry residents to the nearest railway station. Completely normal to share the taxi ride there and back, especially if it's a long one.

OP, you're mind-reading and catastrophising, and making yourself incandescently cross about something that hasn't actually happened, and isn't going to, assuming you actually tell him in the taxi that you're going to sit separately on the train and spend the day sightseeing alone. He may perfectly well be taken aback you even thought he might want to trail around after a total stranger all day. No one with a serious interest in art ever wants to do it at someone else's pace.

All he's doing is travelling in the same taxi you are.

This. I would imagine that to spend time alone is sort of the point of a retreat. (DB goes on them regularly).

I will be interested to hear if he changes his mind and decides to wait until you are going.

What is it about some men who think they are entitled to inflict themselves on women as if they’re doing them a favour? Hope you managed to swerve him OP.

"Alas there are men and they leap on your plans."

In your follow up you seem to be implying that only men do this - I'd imagine a woman would be far more likely to say, "great! I'll join you!" Although saying you don't want to have to mention your bf suggests you think this chap might have romantic intentions, which completely changes the whole scenario.

Just say you want to spend the day by yourself but are happy to share the car journey. It isn't that unusual a thing to be doing that he won't immediately understand.

You seem to have built this into way big a problem in your imagination that it needs to be.

This is a lesson to keep your plans to yourself in future.

OK, here's the update.

I'm going tomorrow. All fine. I hope my pp show that I was 100% mea culpa about getting very riled and knowing I was potentially making a mountain out of a molehill. If I was on my high horse I did want a way down.

Of course, too, I was most of all cross at myself. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser. In a way that's what tripped me up because I was on the back foot.

For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. I had told the woman in the room next to me about my plans. I went to get food and came back and she was telling this man about when she had been to this town and seen the frescoes. (It is the main destination from here). Most residents go at some point. This is where he jumped in.

Did I think he fancied me, yes, sure, I did to be honest. Did I think he was Hannibal Lector or a sleaze bag - no. I didn't think he'd make a pass, just that he would take my time because it suited him. Also that he was treating the place like an adult summer camp. For instance he was asking for my neighbour's number so he could text her 'if she was up' and they could watch the presidential debate together (at 3am? On a retreat! She's American, was the link) .

Anyway, this morning I thought, OK, he may think we're just sharing a car; if he doesn't I can quickly disabuse him. I said good morning, he said, 'So have you decided what we are going to see?' Me: Oh, no, this is a solo day out for me. I don't enjoy looking at art with other people. I may only go to a couple of places anyway, it's so hot.' Him: 'Well let's chose a couple that we'll each see and we can talk about them over lunch.' Me: No, as I say, I want to spend today alone. Him, shrug. We get in the car, drive to the station. The driver says What time am I picking you up? Me: Well, it may be separately. (We both have his number). Him: well maybe we could swap numbers so we can coordinate a time to get the train back. Me: Oh that sounds like a faff, I won't enjoy being on the clock. Why don't you go today and I'll go tomorrow. This heat looks too much for me already.

Mild consternation, and felt a bit silly getting driven back but - enough. So - here I am.

Thank you for the understanding replies. To repeat, I knew I was reacting possibly OTT; It's sorted, he was a mild annoyance and I should have nipped it in the bud but the bud is nipped now.

What happened OP?
Hopefully you are in blissful alone time now!

Why should someone be dishonest about wanting to spend the day alone? Some people seem to think that everyone wants company and we don't! I know this may sound awful but my OH died very suddenly at the start of the first lockdown, not lurgy related, and because of the situation only my closest family were allowed to come. Quite recently there was a programme on TV where a woman's husband and died where she had a constant stream of visitors 'to keep her company' and she looked quite fed up, I thank a deity that I was excused that horror!
Just tell him in your best Marlene Dietrich husky voice 'I want to be alone'!

Well done op. So pleased that you have wriggled out of this intrusive situation.

Lunch with a complete stranger making awkward small talk whilst your meant to be relaxing & taking in your surroundings of the place you wanted to visit alone - erm no thanks,

Bravo 🙌🏻 and enjoy your day alone as you had planned.

P.s I would have been furious also 😡

Intrusive bugger.

Good result OP - very pleased for you!
Have a fab day tomorrow

I knew it - he fully intended to assert his will over yours and he tried to do so. Not a simple matter of “if you would like it” in good faith at all. And you knew that, and that’s why you were angry.
You had to try far too hard to get out of that. especially for a retreat setting.
well done

This is perfect.

OP, this man is a stranger to you. If he's a bit butt-hurt for a day or two, who cares? You're never going to see him again.

That's fantastic. Brava for holding your ground! He must have been utterly flummoxed (and perhaps think twice before making assumptions next time? probably not, but nice to hope).

You get off the train and tell him you’re off to meet up with your lover Giovanni. You’ll see him back at the hotel.

Well done. I was furious in your behalf reading that exchange... he didn't make it easy for you did he?!! So glad you enforced your boundaries.