Page 14 | solo day out - unwanted company

DefyingGravitas · 11/09/2024 15:17

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Whereas you sound lovely.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 11/09/2024 15:20

@DefyingGravitas aw, thanks 😉

Idontjetwashthefucker · 11/09/2024 15:23

NewFriendlyLadybird · 11/09/2024 14:55

I did not say that being caught off guard was the woman’s fault.

I think, however, it would be unreasonable to be angry at the man in this situation because he just asked. People, even men, are allowed to ask if they might accompany someone, as long as they accept a refusal.

And there is no reason why the OP should not get out of the situation politely by speaking directly. But centuries of conditioning have made that a good deal harder for many women than it ought to be.

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He didn't ask though, he told OP he was joining her

Abbylikeswine · 11/09/2024 15:23

Men definitely see what they want to see. And what they want to happen.

This snippet from a book came to my mind as I was just very recently reading a book written by Oasis's first drummer, Tony McCarroll.

He said that he met Patsy Kensit somewhere and they were chatting, and he said to her "come back to the tour bus where we won't be disturbed".

She said "disturbed?".

He wrote " I had gotten so famous that I assumed that I could have anyone that I wanted".

"It was only when she said "disturbed?" that I realised that maybe that wasn't true and she didn't want it."

He had totally assumed that she wanted sex with him. She didn't didn't even like him at all

Abbylikeswine · 11/09/2024 15:24

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 11/09/2024 15:20

@DefyingGravitas aw, thanks 😉

You do sound like a big bully.

Compash · 11/09/2024 15:24

Chaiilatte · 11/09/2024 14:39

This is why I now never tell a soul if I am having an alone day. I cba with someone wanting to tag along and me not having the balls to say no. I'd just get up early and go, and say you forgot he wanted to come if he asks. In my opinion he's a CF anyway asking to tag along with a stranger. I get mad enough when someone I actually know invites themself to my alone day 🤣 never mind a stranger. No thanks!

It's like throwing down seed for pigeons, isn't it?! 😅 The news that someone (a woman) somewhere might want to be alone seems to trigger something in them, a klaxon goes off and energy vampires come flocking from far and wide... 🧛🏻‍♂️

eggplant16 · 11/09/2024 15:26

How on earth can you be bothered with all this nonsense? Just say you prefer to be alone but you look forward to telling him about your day.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 11/09/2024 15:29

Just read the update about ‘what we are going to see’. OMG! I take back what I said about it being OK for him to ask to accompany you.

You handled it well, but I hope you get to go BY YOURSELF later in the week.

SpiderGwen · 11/09/2024 15:35

He reminds me of the protagonist in About A Boy who goes to a single parent support group to meet women.

Game plan: Go to a retreat in Italy. The women there will have decent disposable incomes (or they wouldn’t be there) and all that art and sunshine and spirituality will be perfect for picking up ladies…

I’m so glad the OP left him to go around the city on his own while she can explore it in better temperatures tomorrow.

murasaki · 11/09/2024 15:36

SpiderGwen · 11/09/2024 15:35

He reminds me of the protagonist in About A Boy who goes to a single parent support group to meet women.

Game plan: Go to a retreat in Italy. The women there will have decent disposable incomes (or they wouldn’t be there) and all that art and sunshine and spirituality will be perfect for picking up ladies…

I’m so glad the OP left him to go around the city on his own while she can explore it in better temperatures tomorrow.

Ha, you are so right.

DefyingGravitas · 11/09/2024 16:01

SpiderGwen · 11/09/2024 15:35

He reminds me of the protagonist in About A Boy who goes to a single parent support group to meet women.

Game plan: Go to a retreat in Italy. The women there will have decent disposable incomes (or they wouldn’t be there) and all that art and sunshine and spirituality will be perfect for picking up ladies…

I’m so glad the OP left him to go around the city on his own while she can explore it in better temperatures tomorrow.

Definitely this! There are probably about three groups of women in the UK at various different hobbies and clubs that are relieved he’s away on this retreat for a few weeks so he’s leaving them alone.

IWasHittingMyMarks · 11/09/2024 16:04

Him: 'Well let's chose a couple that we'll each see and we can talk about them over lunch.'

That right there is everything. He fully expected to be spending the day with the OP and was trying to claw it back when she disabused him of the notion.

Well done for standing your ground, OP.

IDontHateRainbows · 11/09/2024 16:10

He does sound very pushy and not the type to take no for an answer..glad you managed to bin him off OP and hopefully he's got the message now. I fear he will continue to hassle you out of some reluctance to accept the rebuff, if so just continue to very politely tell him to foxtrot Oscar and you're golden!

Sparting · 11/09/2024 16:16

Mumof2namechange · 11/09/2024 03:21

I get why you're disappointed op but I think deep down you're mostly annoyed with yourself.

Your main mis-step was telling your next door room-mate about your plans at all. Sharing plans in detail like that is often seen as an unspoken invitation that you'd be happy for company. Next time be vague and don't share information with people.

Your other big mis-step was not saying no immediately when the man suggested it. But you've realised this.

I'm sure you'll sort this out fine in the morning. But going forward I'd work on this because if you enjoy/prefer solo travelling, this will come up as an issue repeatedly. Your main tactic should be not sharing your plans with people in the first place

I don’t really see how sharing plans means happy for company although I agree with the rest of this thread

LostTheMarble · 11/09/2024 16:17

Midnightalready · 11/09/2024 14:40

So many men see women as support units, their only purpose to smooth men's journey through life. 'Sorry, I'd rather be alone' should put him straight.

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I believe the yoof call it ‘main character syndrome’. Some men seem to picture women as side characters in their storyline of life. My ex actually once said to me he envisioned our life as some sort of sitcom-esque play through (he later discovered he’s autistic, not sure if it’s how he was verbalising his thoughts or genuinely being an arrogant dick).

KittyBeebee · 11/09/2024 16:21

I understand you completely, I too like my own company and pleasing myself.
I'd either read or just look out of the window on the journey and be polite but not encouraging if he tried to chat.
On arrival I'd say "OK then, hope you enjoy your day, see you at dinner/whatever" then he's in no doubt that you're spending the day alone.

Abbylikeswine · 11/09/2024 16:23

LostTheMarble · 11/09/2024 16:17

I believe the yoof call it ‘main character syndrome’. Some men seem to picture women as side characters in their storyline of life. My ex actually once said to me he envisioned our life as some sort of sitcom-esque play through (he later discovered he’s autistic, not sure if it’s how he was verbalising his thoughts or genuinely being an arrogant dick).

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I remember a famous American man said that men don't see women as "all the way human".

He said that women would be trying to tell him about their feelings, about their hurt, but he couldn't see it, as he couldn't see women as "all the way human".

He said that men just look at women as "you're there for my deal". He meant that men saw women as "just there to serve and support men".

Northernparent68 · 11/09/2024 16:23

Shadowbox7 · 10/09/2024 21:41

Post sounds completely ridiculous & of course you could have said you were going on your own over dinner. Look at the language, hopping mad, cross, hacked off, resentment, rude, resentment, awkward, animosity , so much drama. I'd highly doubt anyone would want to be around this negativity on a day out anyway. 🙄

This is correct, it’s bizarre how many posters are encouraging the OP to lie and or be passive aggressive

HoopLaLah · 11/09/2024 16:23

FrescoeDay · 11/09/2024 10:13

OK, here's the update.

I'm going tomorrow. All fine. I hope my pp show that I was 100% mea culpa about getting very riled and knowing I was potentially making a mountain out of a molehill. If I was on my high horse I did want a way down.

Of course, too, I was most of all cross at myself. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser. In a way that's what tripped me up because I was on the back foot.

For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. I had told the woman in the room next to me about my plans. I went to get food and came back and she was telling this man about when she had been to this town and seen the frescoes. (It is the main destination from here). Most residents go at some point. This is where he jumped in.

Did I think he fancied me, yes, sure, I did to be honest. Did I think he was Hannibal Lector or a sleaze bag - no. I didn't think he'd make a pass, just that he would take my time because it suited him. Also that he was treating the place like an adult summer camp. For instance he was asking for my neighbour's number so he could text her 'if she was up' and they could watch the presidential debate together (at 3am? On a retreat! She's American, was the link) .

Anyway, this morning I thought, OK, he may think we're just sharing a car; if he doesn't I can quickly disabuse him. I said good morning, he said, 'So have you decided what we are going to see?' Me: Oh, no, this is a solo day out for me. I don't enjoy looking at art with other people. I may only go to a couple of places anyway, it's so hot.' Him: 'Well let's chose a couple that we'll each see and we can talk about them over lunch.' Me: No, as I say, I want to spend today alone. Him, shrug. We get in the car, drive to the station. The driver says What time am I picking you up? Me: Well, it may be separately. (We both have his number). Him: well maybe we could swap numbers so we can coordinate a time to get the train back. Me: Oh that sounds like a faff, I won't enjoy being on the clock. Why don't you go today and I'll go tomorrow. This heat looks too much for me already.

Mild consternation, and felt a bit silly getting driven back but - enough. So - here I am.

Thank you for the understanding replies. To repeat, I knew I was reacting possibly OTT; It's sorted, he was a mild annoyance and I should have nipped it in the bud but the bud is nipped now.

Well done, OP. You handled that superbly.

So he’s booked to a week on a retreat and instead of prayer and contemplation is spending his time coming up with various pretexts to get the women’s phone numbers and expecting them to spend time entertaining him.

LostTheMarble · 11/09/2024 16:26

Northernparent68 · 11/09/2024 16:23

This is correct, it’s bizarre how many posters are encouraging the OP to lie and or be passive aggressive

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Because he shouldn’t have approached her to start with. He had no business invading her personal space and he is owed nothing in how she responds whether it’s through lying or outright saying ‘piss off mate’. Maybe one day he’ll get the message about bothering women who evidently have not welcomed his company.

EsmeSusanOgg · 11/09/2024 16:30

FrescoeDay · 11/09/2024 10:13

OK, here's the update.

I'm going tomorrow. All fine. I hope my pp show that I was 100% mea culpa about getting very riled and knowing I was potentially making a mountain out of a molehill. If I was on my high horse I did want a way down.

Of course, too, I was most of all cross at myself. I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser. In a way that's what tripped me up because I was on the back foot.

For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. I had told the woman in the room next to me about my plans. I went to get food and came back and she was telling this man about when she had been to this town and seen the frescoes. (It is the main destination from here). Most residents go at some point. This is where he jumped in.

Did I think he fancied me, yes, sure, I did to be honest. Did I think he was Hannibal Lector or a sleaze bag - no. I didn't think he'd make a pass, just that he would take my time because it suited him. Also that he was treating the place like an adult summer camp. For instance he was asking for my neighbour's number so he could text her 'if she was up' and they could watch the presidential debate together (at 3am? On a retreat! She's American, was the link) .

Anyway, this morning I thought, OK, he may think we're just sharing a car; if he doesn't I can quickly disabuse him. I said good morning, he said, 'So have you decided what we are going to see?' Me: Oh, no, this is a solo day out for me. I don't enjoy looking at art with other people. I may only go to a couple of places anyway, it's so hot.' Him: 'Well let's chose a couple that we'll each see and we can talk about them over lunch.' Me: No, as I say, I want to spend today alone. Him, shrug. We get in the car, drive to the station. The driver says What time am I picking you up? Me: Well, it may be separately. (We both have his number). Him: well maybe we could swap numbers so we can coordinate a time to get the train back. Me: Oh that sounds like a faff, I won't enjoy being on the clock. Why don't you go today and I'll go tomorrow. This heat looks too much for me already.

Mild consternation, and felt a bit silly getting driven back but - enough. So - here I am.

Thank you for the understanding replies. To repeat, I knew I was reacting possibly OTT; It's sorted, he was a mild annoyance and I should have nipped it in the bud but the bud is nipped now.

You handled that well. He clearly wanted to impose on you. Not necessarily out of malice, but you set clear boundaries and we're not drawn into a couple's day trip with a stranger.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 11/09/2024 16:37

Northernparent68 · 11/09/2024 16:23

This is correct, it’s bizarre how many posters are encouraging the OP to lie and or be passive aggressive

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Well it doesn't matter now does it because OP updated earlier and hasn't gone on the trip.

YogaForDummies · 11/09/2024 16:44

Many people do feel like they van invite themselves along and men tend to be more entitled un this way generally. Just 'I'm looking forward to going alone' is enough. You don't need to explain yourself or offer an apology.

Tahlbias · 11/09/2024 17:20

FrescoeDay · 10/09/2024 21:16

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

When you get out of the taxi, say, "I hope you have a great day" and walk the other way.

OneTwoTen · 11/09/2024 17:37

I think that’s sad. Why did you deprive yourself of a day that you’d arranged and set out on? You’d already stood up to this man by saying you wanted to be alone, which was great, but then you suddenly gave in to him and ‘backed off’.

It is a shame that OP had to deal with this intrusion at all, which caused her to have to change her plans.

But I imagine she preferred to change them in the end than go through with them once he made it abundantly clear that he intended to cross every single line she tried to draw.

He sounds creepy - why is he inviting himself along to OP's day out and trying to swap numbers with other women on the retreat? It's not a 18-30 holiday. He's obviously there 'hunting'. I expect he probably would've stalked OP all around town until he 'coincidentally' ended up at the same restaurant as her for lunch.

At least now she can go tomorrow and enjoy herself in peace.