solo day out - unwanted company

[FrescoeDay]

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

Just be careful he doesn’t decide to try and come along tomorrow too, OP.

I’ve done a fair amount of solo travelling and it’s not uncommon for men to join these groups in an effort to hook up or at least a captive audience. They have the hide of a fucking rhino and they don’t take rejection well when it does get through to them. It’s not all then men on these trips but a sizeable minority, and we all know the type. You have to be ready for them, be absolutely blunt in keeping them at arm’s length and be prepared for the negging/push back/whatever.

I was once on a group with a man who, on being told that he was currently the only male on the trip and would therefore have to pay the extra for a single-occupancy room, offered to share a room with “any single young ladies ha ha” <shudders>

I think that’s sad. Why did you deprive yourself of a day that you’d arranged and set out on? You’d already stood up to this man by saying you wanted to be alone, which was great, but then you suddenly gave in to him and ‘backed off’. I don’t understand why you didn’t just refuse to exchange numbers and repeat to the driver that you’d phone him re a collection time for you, and the man would do the same. You’d already taken the most difficult step in standing up for yourself.

I absolutely hate having people impose on / change my plans . My DH says I get disproportionately angry about it so I understand where you are coming from
I would just make it very clear in the car to the train station that you’ll be “ leaving him to his own devices once you get to the station , as you’ve planned a day of solitude for yourself” then as soon as you get on the train move away from him with a “ bye then , enjoy your day “ and get your book out .

It is sad that you put the day off.

But If OP went today she'd probably be nervous of bumping into him at the art places.

Good point!

Yes - thats why they do it - you sense a threat of volatility so you comply and they then are controlling / manipulating you.

Happened in this case - he didnt respond graciously to the OPs polite and direct assertive boundary this morning - so she felt compelled to remove herself physically from his presence by returning back to the retreat. Totally the right thing - he would have been a pest on the train and she would have been looking over her shoulder all day.

If the guy was under the illusion it was going to be a place where he'd make friends and spend time with others, then I feel for him, but as it seems to be a retreat where a lot of time is spent in silence or praying, I don't feel sorry for him. He mustn't have read the details. Having said that he should have realised the OP wasn't interested in making friends and should have left her alone.

I was just thinking of one of the cheekiest men that I met , when I was travelling. I was staying in a hotel.

I was standing down in reception, and this man started talking to me. I exchanged a little bit of small talk with him. Then I said "I have to go, I'm going to the shop".

He then said "get me a coffee while you're tbere", and started to get money out of his pocket.

I was gobsmacked! I'd just met him and he was treating me like a servant.

I did say no

Cheeky git, good on you for saying no

If the guy was under the illusion it was going to be a place where he'd make friends and spend time with others, then I feel for him

Problem is, it’s unreasonable to expect other people to be “on” all the time, socially speaking. Even on group trips, most people want time on their own at some point and that needs to be respected. The ones who demand company all the time and are unable to do anything on their own are utterly tiresome.

Making friends and spending time with others is one thing: imposing yourself on a lone woman who's made it tactfully clear she doesn't want you around is another. I once went on a holiday where I was seated with nine other people at a table for meals. That's four couples, me and a lone man. He spent the first two days assiduously avoiding me until he worked out that I wasn't remotely interested in HIM! He then said hello to me one day. I said 'hello' back and kept walking.

I know exactly where you're coming from, OP and how you feel, right from your first post. This man sounds infuriatingly expectant and I really wouldn't worry about being rude to him if necessary.

Dear stranger
Glad that you liked my idea of visiting xxx to see art.
I will be spending the day alone and not wanting any company. Please dont be offended but think it best to explain now before I go.

This is why I now never tell a soul if I am having an alone day. I cba with someone wanting to tag along and me not having the balls to say no. I'd just get up early and go, and say you forgot he wanted to come if he asks. In my opinion he's a CF anyway asking to tag along with a stranger. I get mad enough when someone I actually know invites themself to my alone day 🤣 never mind a stranger. No thanks!

So many men see women as support units, their only purpose to smooth men's journey through life. 'Sorry, I'd rather be alone' should put him straight.

Actually, on second thoughts, I'd be tempted to reschedule the car for an hour earlier and make a quick getaway. You can pretend confusion about the timings later.

It has already been resolved, OP isn't going today

Thanks. Yes, I just caught up. OP handled it beautifully but I am seething with the presumption of this man. God, they're so tedious.

I did not say that being caught off guard was the woman’s fault.

I think, however, it would be unreasonable to be angry at the man in this situation because he just asked. People, even men, are allowed to ask if they might accompany someone, as long as they accept a refusal.

And there is no reason why the OP should not get out of the situation politely by speaking directly. But centuries of conditioning have made that a good deal harder for many women than it ought to be.

To be honest OP I do think that you've been a bit harsh on yourself for 'not nipping it in the bud' A strange man suddenly invites himself to share a taxi with you is not something you expected and there is a definite power imbalance which probably stopped you in your tracks. It's predatory behaviour disguised as a shared interest. He's bloody outrageous to expect it and I suspect if he didn't fancy you he wouldn't have asked....
Glad you got out of it but you really shouldn't have had to put up with it in the first place.

I was just thinking that I've had this in lots of different scenarios. I've wanted to be alone and some man will always come over and annoy me.

When I was younger I used to solo travel and stay in hostels.
If I sat down with a book, a man would often come over to me and start talking. I'd have to say "I want to read my book".

Also i remember going into restaurants by myself, and the waiter or restaurant owner would come over and sit down and chat away to me. They couldn't imagine that I would want to eat by myself.

I remember one old man coming over and sitting down and chatting away to me in a flirty way, and I said politely "I would like to be alone" and he said "but I am the restaurant owner.

Thye just can't seem to think that women would want to be by themselves!

Am I the only one wondering if he actually went or if he'll try to muscle in on tomorrow? He may have not got on the train.

She'll have to give him a strong no tomorrow.

This is why I get afraid to even be friendly to men. They become so presumptious

'So have you decided what we are going to see?'

This, and his follow ups are ‘forced teaming’ - Gavin de Becker and others talk about it. The next red flag is you you were clear and told him no, but he continued anyway.