solo day out - unwanted company

[FrescoeDay]

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

This exactly! Men who see a woman alone think 'desperate, lonely, sad, can she cook, tidy figure, not a bad face, she may make a good wife one day, she needs a man!' And they find it unfathomable that some women want to be alone, enjoy being alone, and actually don't need a man at all! I mean many women do enjoy company of course, but also enjoy being alone - and are FINE alone!

I LOVE my days out on my own, day trips to the beach, or the lake, or for a walk by the river, or around the woodlands, or walking along the canal. (From full days 8am til 6pm, to part days 10am til 3pm.) Just me myself and I tootling around, walking at my own pace, stopping when I want to take photos, taking videos of things around me, listening to the birds, gasping in awe at a baby deer bouncing by, and sitting under a tree to have my little snack and drink.

I sometimes just sit on the boardwalk at the lake just looking across it - for 10 minutes. Just appreciating the fact that I'm alive, and thinking 'what a lovely world and I'm so blessed to be in it.' (#CheeseAlert sorry.) AGAIN, I enjoy being with others sometimes, my 2 best friends, my 2 adult DD and their partners, (and their partners parents,) and my DH. But I don't like big group meet-ups and I enjoy a small social circle.

EG there is a walking group in my village, and a couple of women in it have asked me several times to join it. (Every Saturday morning it is at 8.30am. They walk 7-8 miles) I do NOT want to walk in a group, and they just don't seem to get it. I want to walk at my own pace, my own chosen route, and maybe just 2-3 miles. 7-8 miles is a lot for me! My limit for a walk is usually 4 to 4.5 miles.. And I would not want to be walking 7-8 miles with 30 other people! Just no!

I do NOT want to do it and give the reason that weekends are family time, and I can tell how they look at me that they are a bit confused and slightly irked that I say no! I do have other things to do on Saturdays, (and Sundays!) and as I said, the weekends are the only time I see my family. But I can tell they think this is a lame excuse, because their family lives 100s of miles away and they see them 2 to 4 times a year, and can't comprehend how or why anyone would want to see theirs most weekends.

I have been in several village meet-up groups over the past decade, and eventually I left because there was always at least 2 people who were opinionated gobshites, and there were also little cliques of people who came together (best mates and family members.) Same with slimming groups I went to - always little cliques, and I stopped going after 5-7 weeks. Maybe it's just me, and the fact I am just a free spirit, but I won't apologise for it, or change myself to be somebody that other people want me to be.

Sorry, went off on a tangent. Basically, no-one should be something they don't want to be, to please other people. You can bet most people wouldn't do it for you

@FrescoeDay well done. It doesn't even sound like he was interested in the art, more on imposing himself on you. Didn't even ask if you'd like to meet for lunch, basically told you you would be.

Reminds me of a wedding I was at where the brother of the bride asked me to dance, forcibly, and I declined (politely but equally forcibly). At which point my mother jumped in to tell me how rude I was 🙄

No need for angst. “No thank you” is all that’s required. If he persists “No thank you. I don’t want to”. I find people are usually accepting if you’re up front with them.

Ignore the suggestions of lying/making up nonsense. It’s just not necessary.

Maybe read the OP's update.

Brilliant update OP, you went from zero to hero in my eyes. At first I wondered why there was no nipping last night, but now you have nipped ever so effectively. Well done!

It sounds like he expected you to entertain him by playing tour guide. Men make such assumptions.

Exactly this. Not hard!

Just to say certainly no pardon necessary for calling him a prick. It's my preferred term of abuse for the PRICKS who insist on hitting on me! Aaaaargh!!!!!
SORRY.

My script would be: "Morning X! Lovely day isn't it. I am so looking forward to today. I cannot wait to spend the whole day by myself! I never get alone time and I'm going to spend the whole day not speaking to anyone once we've got there. Absolutely glorious."

I am really furious that you have postponed your day trip.

I know you tried to ‘use your voice’ but this isn’t the outcome I would have wanted.

Perhaps it would be best if you let the person who ‘blabbed’ know that you’re really looking forward to enjoying your remaining solo days there - without random company?

Well it actually suits OP who was thinking of going on another day anyway due to the hot weather.

Win win

"For clarity this is certainly not a group holiday and perhaps the distinction might seem a fine one but it is a retreat, with prayer if you want it and plenty of solitude and some support. "

I feel that this man has got the nature of the holiday wrong, either deliberately or through ignorance. I would be wary of him imposing himself on other people on something which is supposed to be a solitary break. Is there an organiser or ' rep' with you that you could have a word with if his behaviour continues like this? he's treating it as a singles hook up holiday and that will make many people uncomfortable.

Well done for bud nipping anyway!

Reading OP's updates, also not hard.

Are you intentionally missing the point tho 🫢

I agree this is something you might consider. Surely the premise of this break as you described it was clear to participants in the advertising, and he would/should have been aware of it?

He has now tried to impose himself on at least two women....and is it possible that the person who disclosed your plans to him was yet another woman who sent him your way to try to get rid of him?

At the very least, one would expect all participants to be conscious of this purpose and sensitive to the needs of individuals in line with it.

This. Let him have the lift but that’s it. Make it very clear that you’re doing your own thing.

In fact I’d put it more strongly - ‘No, I always go to galleries on my own - this is my quiet time and it doesn’t work if I have company. See you back here at X time!’

Oh I wish it was always easy to get rid of a self centred, persistent man. My experience: such men frequently react very badly to 'rejection' from a woman and this can lead to even bigger problems to deal with.

It's astounding how entitled some men are. I was travelling in the USA solo when I was younger.

At a large theme park, in the single rider queue, a man who would have been at least thirty years older than me struck up a conversation with me then after a few minutes asked if I wanted to 'go around together' for the rest of the day since we were both alone.

I said no, I prefer to be alone!

Already sorted if you read OPs update earlier today

Fabulous. I love the way you dealt with it. Enjoy tomorrow

Cut msg as my reply was irrelevant a sit's been dealt with by OP

Tell him you’re the Sistine Screamer.

Nicely done OP. Have a lovely day tomorrow.

Ugh... what the actual fuck is wrong with men... even total strangers thinking that its fine for them to abdicate responsibility, and get a woman to do their thinking and decision making for them!

"have you decided what we'll see first?"

Infuriating, and even more so given the nature of this holiday!

Sorry to keep coming back, but I've been through this learning process myself as a reformed people pleaser... 😏

Can I say that your anger and self-recrimination at saying Yes in the first place is actually a good signal that your boundaries are being crossed? Feelings are part of our feedback in the world. And as a previous OP said, a lot of us who've had a dysfunctional upbringing have been conditioned to turn those signals off, or to disconnect from them. Expressing our needs brought punishment. So it's great that you took notice of that feeling of anger.

Then you did another good thing by taking the time to reflect in peace about what you actually wanted, and figured out ways to achieve that. Which you then put into action the next day. 👍

I have no doubt that the whole experience was enervating and that you may resent the effort and thought and 'disturbance in the force' required. But, with practice, the time elapsed between feeling that disturbance and speaking out or acting in your own protection will get shorter.

That's how we learn to do it, and people who find it easy themselves don't need to jump on you for it. It's like driving angrily up the arse of a learner driver... they're just at a different stage to you and will get better with practice...