solo day out - unwanted company

[FrescoeDay]

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

I know. The whole thread is a non event because the op didn't behave like an adult and say no from the start but preferred to seethe behind his back and whinge on here.

I don't know how people go through life agreeing to things that they don't want to do and then making a massive drama out of it! 🤷🏼‍♀️

I disagree that it’s mean to go off alone tbh - if you go off on your own he’ll learn the lesson from this for the next time and be a bit more wary of the possible risks of tagging on to other people’s arrangements

It's your holiday so just do what you want, BUT I do think you were being a tad naive not expecting or actively heading off the 'Oh look, a poor woman on her own' brigade.

If you'd made it clear to your room neighbour and others from the off that you've come on this holiday specifically to spend quiet time alone then I very much doubt they would have suggested anything to the eager man in the first place.

They think they're being helpful, probably because most people would hate the idea of a holiday alone and they feel sorry for you. Let them know they don't have to be!

Well done for crying off today. It sounds like you'll enjoy it much more tomorrow, in the cool and ALONE!

It's the classic people-pleaser situation (unable to say no in case it makes someone dislike them, even if the liking or dislike of the person is completely unimportant), but simmering with often unconscious fury and resentment at other people being 'users'.

It was some sort of prayer retreat.

Have to laugh at all the handmaidens trying to service this guy.

Or, in the case of a strange man, afraid that he might turn nasty... perfectly normal fear to have...

You are making it more complicated. Pretend intimacy is a matter of perspective. Noone is doing a favour.
Getting annoyed this easily, defeats the purpose of being in a semi spiritual place. Why not just make it simple and just say you would prefer to do things on your pace.

Many of us women are primed to be social facilitators, to smooth things over and to acquiesce, to not be oppostional or "difficult" (i.e., state politely and clearly our own needs and desires), that we don't even notice that we do it. We have a lifetime of learning that if we try to do this we will get pushback at the very least, and often downright hostility and aggression. It's not surprising that we have learnt not to say what we actually feel.

OP it's not your fault that this situation has arisen - that's entirely on him - but you can take it as a useful spring board to begin practising how to deal with interactions like this in future. We don't have to put up with this crap.

Why not read OPs update?

Why everything has to be about man versus woman?

Your comment is so bitter. Calling women you don't know handmaidens, when all they are saying just tell him you prefer to do it solo and don't over complicate.

Did you ever think that some women are just afraid of men?

And that is because of men.

A lot of men cannot take a no without getting extremely angry

Any time that I've said no to a man, about anything, they have never once said "oh yes hat's fine"

They have always gotten extremely angry at me for saying no

@pinkdelight @LuckySantangelo35 @Idontjetwashthefucker
I am not "blaming" or putting the OP down
I just do not think it is a win to be so unable to voice how you want to spend your day that you end up doing a pointless return journey in a car.
If they find it so hard to communicate then they could have ducked out by saying to him/ the retreat / the driver - sorry it is too hot for me today.
Considering that the OP says she spent all last night "so angry I'm finding it hard to relax" it would be a positive thing for her to find some stock phrases or coping mechanisms to avoid getting in this situation again

Some people are socially awkward or struggle to stand up for themselves when blindsided. Hardly shocking.

She's alone and has nobody to rant to - is it really a flameable offence to have a moan on here?

She's stated clearly that she was disappointed in herself for her reaction and she's put it right today.

Lots of people saying she's over the top but so are some of the reactions here.

And so what if it was? People become people pleasers due to having dysfunctional, unpredicatable and volatile parents. She was caught off guard - she was cross with his imposition and has acknowleged she was angry with herself - but she reflected and resolved it assertively - so all good.

He proved himself to be what her gut suspected in the follow up interaction and the OP then did 100% the right thing to then change her plans and take herself physically out of his orbit.

I'm glad you've resolved it now OP, well done!

I don't want to derail the thread but really interested in the retreat you are doing, it sounds great. Are you happy to share info on it?

You'll have to avoid him tonight, OP, he'll be telling you where to go and what to see. And tomorrow night, when he wants to compare notes about your trips 🙄

I did not read the last post but op kept rambling about why it is justified to be annoyed in first 5 posts, and my response to OP was based on those.

Why not say in the first post, she only met him 1 hour before his request and she felt he fancied him. To be honest, it makes it even easier to say no to a stranger.

Well it wasn't pointless, as she's used it to confront this issue and got something out of it. And this: If they find it so hard to communicate then they could have ducked out by saying to him/ the retreat / the driver - sorry it is too hot for me today. is contradictory - if she found it so hard to communicate, which she did, then she couldn't have said that, or she would've. But she got it together and communicated well when they got there, standing up to his pushiness three times. Which is a win. No one's saying any of this is a textbook on how to handle guys like this. They're listening to OP's context and responding accordingly.

Actually, I love the whole way this played out. He imposed and left OP in a situation where he knew she’d probably just say yes, okay. He’s feeling all smug imagining how he’ll win her round with lunch and laughs. She waits until they get all the way to the station and THEN drops the bombshell she’s going to leave it for today. Brilliant. He’s learned a much better lesson this way than if you’d just said no thanks in the first place. Plus he’d have probably found a way of turning up anyway.

I think you really should read OP's update. Her instincts were correct.

@GameofPhones tbh Most of them are mras/incels that spend their sad lives here.

I wonder why you have repeatedly said 'sorry' when you are clearly no such thing. That's not really being straight with people either, is it?

Yeah this! ^

Yeah this! ^