solo day out - unwanted company

[FrescoeDay]

I actually know I'm not being unreasonable but my reaction may be out of proportion and I need help wording my response for my desired outcome - solitude.

I'm on a sort of retreat in Italy. Tomorrow I arranged to go on a day trip away from the base to look at some art. I'd arranged for the car to the station, bought my train ticket and was looking forward to it. I told my next door room mate who told someone else who over dinner tonight said he was coming along 'if I didn't mind.' Of course I don't mind him going to the town and looking at the art. If he is here a week it is his opportunity. Of course I don't mind if he catches the same train - although, honestly, I don't want to chat and be friendly and 'on' for an hour plus on the train there (and back?!) Why should I?

I do not want to spend 6 hours going around museums galleries, churches, having lunch, with a stranger. I prefer to look at art alone at my own pace and have my own responses. But over dinner I could hardly say that. The prick (pardon me) cornered me. I am so angry I'm finding it hard to relax. This may be disproportionate. The thing is I am quite able to be cold and freeze people if I feel like it - but I don't want to introduce awkwardness let alone animosity. I am meeting the driver of the retreat tomorrow morning and this other unwanted guest. I don't want to stop him if this is his one chance to go to the town. But I refuse to have my day stolen from me because I end up being polite to this man. I need a healthy middle ground. I am 46. I can't believe I am still being imposed on like this. I don't want to snap but I may.

Thanks for hearing me out. Perspective needed. This has touched a nerve you can tell. I would just never ever do this.

Please update us if you meet again at communal dinner - I expect he will be piqued and snarky.....because he has been exposed for the slease he is.....

A single man wants to go out with you in Italy. Is he attracted to you. Is he thinking he has a chance?

He’s tried to impose his ‘company’ on at least one other woman at this retreat, he knows exactly what he’s doing. The very type of holiday this is fully suggest that it’s a place to find individual peace activities. The op never openly said ‘I am going on a day trip, would anyone else like to join in’ - the man tried to invite himself, he was imposing from the first moment and he would have been fully aware of it.

There are many singles cruises, coach trips, group holidays available. But he has joined a reflective retreat and has already tried to connect with two women who are using said retreat for its purpose. The op didn’t sign up to have to tell people to leave her alone, it seems to be the basic premise of the trip.

This happened to me when solo travelling.

I was in Bali, travelling alone, and I was going to see something the next day.

I was staying in a youth hostel. There was an absolutely horrible man staying in the hostel.

I told one of the girls where I was going tomorrow. She asked me about it in front of him later.

He said "great ill come along i want to see that"!

I didn't like him at all. But I couldn't say no.
I think at the time I was very shy and I just couldn't stand up to men. I think I was also internally afraid of his reaction .

I ended up spending a whole miserable day going around a monkey sanctuary with him the next day.

Now, even though I would still find it hard to say no to someone, as I'm quite meek and quiet, I would say no.

I would rather suffer through saying no, then suffer through spending a day with a man I don't like!

Well done OP!

I don't think the "real" issue is women not feeling like they can express their desires for fear of being impolite.

Had he bothered to ask her what her desire was, given her that basic respect of checking that she wanted him to come with her, she would have told him.

But he didn't. He told her he was coming. And was then pushy more than once when she told him no. She had to actually not go to get rid of him.

The only issue here is a pushy, presumptuous near-stranger not understanding that a woman being on the same retreat as him doesn't automatically mean he is entitled to her time, energy or company.

Hopefully he's learned a lesson but I doubt it - too self absorbed. I have recently been on a retreat and met someone like this too - for some people it's social and that's fine, but not everyone feels that way and it's not hard to read the room and act accordingly.

Fab update. I expect he is still very confused why his version of the day isn’t happening 🤣

I have solo travelled a lot.

I have often found that men will often invite themselves along to what a woman is doing, as they want female company.

Any female will do for them.

They never seem to think about what the woman wants

Excellent, well done. He was being quite pushy

What a prick he sounds

well done OP 👏

Ah. Your instinct was spot on.

Another man trying to run roughshod over a woman because that’s what HE wants. Good for you.

I bet he comes back early as he didn’t actually have much interest in the frescoes at all.

This, most men have no idea that we don't always enjoy their company and find them thrilling to be be with. It might give him pause the next time he imposes himself on some hapless woman.

I wouldn't worry about being rude or hurting his feelings, I bet he's not given a second thought as to whether you want him with you (or not). Don't seethe about it either, you're giving him too much headspace.

Hope you have a lovely day, it's one of my favourite things, trundling round galleries at my own speed.

I'm just sorry he ruined your plans. I hope you get to spend the solo day with the art galleries another time, without an insensitive bloke imposing himself. Ugh.

'So have you decided what we are going to see?'

The absolute CF!!!! He was expecting you to entertain him for the day!! Unbelievable. So glad you didn't. So glad you were strong and clear. What an utter nob.

Well done OP, he sounds awful

I'm sorry I do not think your update is "fab"
You did not get your solo day out
You went on a car journey to the station and back?

Could you not just say- before getting in the car " Look I know we are all wanting to see X frescos and art in the town, but just to be clear I want to see them and tour around by myself"

I do not think it that difficult.
I also - sorry - do not see why you did not say something simple like "happy to share the taxi with you" to make clear the boundaries yesterday.
For the rest of you trip if you cannot be straight with people please either do not share your plans or start spouting on about how you like spending time by yourself

@Eddielizzard
Exactly!
Lazy wanker!
Entertain me, woman. What's the itinerary?

@Breadcat24

why you putting on all of blame on Op?
surely he could just not be a prick - problem solved.

He asked you if you dont mind and you agreed to his request and now he is a prick?

Take some responsibility that you could have said something but you did not.

😂

Banking this for future use!

I was thinking, 'I'm getting 'Mr Collins' energy from this' - when he's proposing to Elizabeth in the coach, and she's trying to tell him No politely but he doesn't want to hear it so she has to up the forcefulness...

But then I thought: 'It's Mr Mybug in Cold Comfort Farm!' Forcing his company and thoughts and attentions on poor Flora when she's just trying quietly to enjoy herself.

This type has existed - and been observed by women - for centuries...

OP was going to go another anyway due to the hot weather so it's a win win for her and plenty of people have said why they might find it difficult, just because you don't doesn't mean everyone doesn't

She can talk about whatever she likes, including her plans, and it's not spouting. Conversation between strangers is rarely 'straight' as people are finding their way. It's much easier to concoct the correct dialogue with the distance of the internet. We're saying she did well given the context. Obviously the car trip was less than ideal but it's much better than going along with him and she did say what you've suggested about doing it on her own and he still pushed to put her on the clock for the journey back.

She didn't agree to spend the day with him, to have lunch with him or to organize what was or wasn't "viewed". She just agreed to him going along on the journey.

It wasn't a request, it was an imposition.

...and even now, some people are trying to put all the fault on the OP for not repelling the man's advances in the correct way... 🙄