To be worried my best friend is male, and what this means for future romantic relationships?

[FairTurtle]

I'm female. My best friend is male. We hang out a lot, are close, know each other's families, etc. He's the person I call if I need help with something, or just need to talk about something. I also have lots of other (and women) friends btw, he just happens to be the closest. We are also geographically close, which has probably contributed to it.

There is zero attraction between us, romantically, sexually, or emotionally. I see him as a sibling/cousin. Always have, for the 8 years since we met. We share a background, are very used to and comfortable in each other's company, like similar films etc, but have wildly different worldviews, interests, and life plans, and desires of a romantic relationship. Nothing he could do, or say, would ever change the fact that I see him like a sibling. And vice versa.

Most of my exes have been pretty cool about this, and I don't necessary see it as an issue. He, however, has exes that have really disliked this. It makes me a bit sad, as it makes me think when he does meet someone and it becomes serious, he and I won't be able to be as close anymore. It would feel like a huge loss, like losing a family member. In the past I've perhaps been a little naive and thought it's odd to care about this - surely lots of people have opposite-sex friends - but I've since realised that it maybe is a bit unusual to have such a close personal friendship with someone of the opposite sex, when it's not part of a wider group, etc?

What do people think? Do you have a male best friend? Just looking for reassurance, I guess.

It shouldn't be a problem but people are weird

You are not being unreasonable to have a male best friend - I do. I love him like a brother and would do a lot to help him if he ever needed it.
You are being unreasonable if you think it’s not going to be a problem to his partners though. Unfortunately many females want to be the only/main female in their boyfriend’s life and will struggle. You will always be friends but won’t have the opportunities to see him alone much and will be different.
Coffee and odd breakfast/lunches out - yes
Evenings drinking and watching movies - no
Weekends away (separate rooms as always) - definitely no
Very sad but very true

I don't see why it should be a problem as long as you're not an ersatz partner.

I think you're being realistic.

It shouldn’t be a problem, but it will be…if she ever posts on MN about her boyfriend hanging out with another woman, a lot of calling and texting, sharing stuff with each other etc then this will unfortunately be called a red flag by many and could impact their relationship.

I also, weirdly, don't see it as a problem for any future boyfriends/partners I may have. They've generally been fine with it, and even met and hung out together. I see him most weeks (in a relationship would probably be every few weeks), and it's just chill. His girlfriends, however, always seem to have an issue, particularly when we're hanging out - they call him a lot etc. It makes me feel icky just because we really are like siblings. It makes me wonder - do all opposite-sex friendships really just disappear when you're in a serious relationship?

They see you as a threat. It's either because they're insecure or you behave in a way that makes them feel threatened.

I think it very much depends on the type of relationship you have with your friend and also are you happy for it to change a bit if he does get a new partner?
I used to have a very good male friend. We went on holiday together (separate beds but same room), always round each other's house, phone calls a few times a week busy to chat. We were both single so it was fine. Then he got a girlfriend. We already had a mini break booked in the UK but after discussion agreed he wouldn't come as it didn't feel appropriate and I'd take another friend. Our phone calls were less, maybe once a month. Only saw each other about once a month as well.
He's now been married to her for 8 years. We're all great friends. But it's not like it was between me and him. But I'm glad. Because I'm happy he's got her now. We are still friends. It's just different. I'm not his best friend now. His wife is. And she's lovely.

Also my husband had a female best friend when I met him. But it was an odd relationship. It came across as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but without the sex. They had intimate dinners on a regular basis at posh restaurants where he paid. He would drive her around anywhere she needed to go. Used to do all her DIY. In the early days of seeing him she would get upset if he wasn't available because he was seeing me. He admitted he used to fancy her. (Probably still did but anyway). I decided getting involved in this weird thing wasn't for me. It felt like I was in a battle for him that was ridiculous. So I broke up with him and explained why. After a few days he got in touch with me and said after thinking about it and talking to other friends he agreed I was right. It wasn't normal. He tried to explain to her that while he wanted to still be friends it needed to change a bit. She went absolutely crazy and called him all the names and blocked him. It's been 6 years and he's never heard from her.

One of my best mates is a bloke. Known him for years. If anyone had an issue with it, I would tell them to piss off. Your friendships are precious, never compromise them for someone who's insecure.

@Boxoo Yeah, I'm absolutely ready for and expecting it to change if he meets someone. My ideal scenario would be that I get along great with his partner, and the 3 of us hangout, haha. Then I'd gain a new friend and not lose him.

I just sad about the fact that I'm not worried about what would happen on my end with regard to romantic partners, etc. Are women more jealous? :/

My 2 best friends when I was younger were male. Same as you nothing remotely sexual, brother/sister friendship.
The problem came when they met their future wives.
One dropped me immediately after his wedding and his wife was openly hostile towards me from day 1. He said he was given an ultimatum to drop me.
The other 1, again the wife was quite hostile towards me. We tried to make the friendship work, went out as couples, but the wife couldn’t hide her dislike of me and it also fizzled out.
It was a bit crap really. We had been friends for years.

@offyoujollywelltrot Yeah, honestly, I do sort of agree with this. Obviously, I would always be respectful, and be willing to change a few things re not seeing each other as frequently (but that would apply to most friendships when you get into a relationship!) and being mindful of any difficult feelings in the beginning, but I really can't imagine intentionally distancing myself from the friendship. We've been friends for so long, and been there for each other through so much.

@EscapingTheseFeelings That really sucks, I'm so sorry :( I'm hoping any future partner he has is nice and chilled, but you never know.

I get so sick of people on here who get all bent out of shape when it comes to platonic opposite sex relationships. It's pathetic, plus it's controlling as fuck to tell someone who they can and can't be friends with. If someone freaks out, consider it a litmus test for stupidity. Keep your friends, always.

@offyoujollywelltrot Yes, exactly. I also have 3 other male friends that I am not remotely sexually/romantically attracted to (though they are part of a wider group and not as close as this one), and I just think it's silly to worry about pre-existing friendships your partner has. It's different, of course, if you suddenly meet someone new of the opposite sex while you're in a relationship and start spending a lot of time together, but to have a problem with people your partner already knew before you came along...ugh.

I guess there's just so many stories of people in relationships insisting that their opposite sex friend is just a friend, and then it turns out it's actually an affair, etc, that there's a general suspicion. Sad.

I do think women generally are more jealous, but in my opinion often with reason. It may not be with reason for this particular situation, but I think a lot of women have been in situations before where female "friends" turn out to be more than that.
I met my husband at 40. So when this weird situation with his friend was becoming apparent I just thought sod this I'm out. Because I've been there before. I was dating a guy once who was friends with a girl. They had been friends for years. I "had nothing to worry about" they were "like siblings" etc etc. After we broke up (not because of her) within a few months they were together. They are still together 12 years later. So the whole "like siblings" thing was either bollocks or it changed. Feelings can always change. So yeah unfortunately I don't trust all that now. Hence why I wouldn't get involved with it with my now husband.

I also think when women say there's no feelings that's often true. But men however it's often a half lie. They often still would if they got the chance. (Yes I know not in all cases)

I always used to get along better with guys and also had a very best friend for years. He was like a brother to me and nothing ever happened. When i met DH and it started getting serious my best friend tried to kiss me. Completely out of nowhere said he developed feelings. I cut contact with him and married DH a couple years later.
This experience completely changed my view of opposite sex friendships. All my close male friends have made some kind of pass at me eventually, but this one really stung, because we were so close and i didnt expect it at all.

I would never accept my husband having such a close friendship with a woman. I also dont have very close male friends anymore now that im married. My experience just taught me that men always have an ulterior motive. Might not be true, but certainly was true with the ones i was close with.

Same. I have plenty of close male (and female) friends (of various sexualities and relationship statuses) who I hang out with one-on-one, in their houses, in my house, at all hours etc, and if DP had ever expressed any reservations about that he wouldn't be DP.

He also had plenty of close female friends in his social circle when I met him and also continues to socialise with them as before. People who don't have friends of the opposite sex are red flags to me.

Luckily for you, OP, it's definitely not the case that a relationship will spell the end of your friendship - but it depends on who you both pick as a partner. It won't be an issue for normal, non-controlling, non-jealous partners - which in my social circle has been the case for the majority of relationships.

However there have also been several cases where a new partner's jealousy and/or insecurity has meant that they've forced someone to distance themselves from their friends. It's sad but there's not much you can do about that. So you'll have to keep your fingers crossed that he picks well.

I also think you have to factor in that just because you and he are friends, doesn't mean you'd necessarily gel with any new partner of his. There could be multiple reasons why you just wouldn't get on. Then things do get awkward. Or it could go the other way and you could get on great. You just don't know.

I think the problem is that ultimately, when I think of male/female friendships I have known or been in. Maybe a handful were just genuine friendships. The rest all ended in some kind of romantic involvement. So on balance of probabilities I'd say it's more likely something will happen than not. Which I think is how a lot of women feel and therein lies the problem.

@gannett I love this - thanks so much! This is how I feel entirely, and what it's like for me. I'm also just quite a friendly person, like meeting new people etc, and whilst I'd never do anything to make a partner feel insecure (like suddenly befriending a new man and hanging out at all hours constantly etc), I'd like to think that I'm still at liberty to maintain and develop new friendships with people, regardless of gender.

@DancingLions Sorry, but this just isn't the case for me. I've had close male friends for 10+ years. They've been in and out of relationships, one is married, etc etc. It's really not the case that "eventually something will happen" between us.

I think it's very easy to label women as being unreasonably jealous of a partner's female close friend. But in reality judging whether the friendship is actually platonic or whether there is more to it is very very difficult. Difficult, not even for those observing the friendship but also even within the friendship itself because in reality whereas a friendship is platonic for one of the friends often the other friend may have more intense feelings for the other.
I think it's entirely reasonable for someone with a new partner to question the type of relationship their partner has with a female friend. But if the partner handles the friendship situation responsibly : shows they have boundaries, introduces the friend to the partner, perhaps changes the nature/ frequency of contact then there seems no reason for the friendship to end.
But it must be a changed friendship.

@Neverstophoping I just don't see why it must be a "changed friendship" though, any more so than other same-sex friendships might be changed when you get into a romantic relationship. It's not like me and my male friend do anything weird or inappropriate together! We actually don't even tend to go on holiday together or anything like that - we just do regular stuff like go for meals/cinema/random hangouts etc.

No. I don't buy into this my best friend is a man.

I’ve luckily not experienced this. I have lots of really good male friends and our relationships are still the same through partners and wives. We sometimes all meet up together, but often I hang out with them individually. Never had an issue with jealousy to my knowledge (I’m sure I would know as the meet ups would be reduced or stop completely). I’ve always got on well with their girlfriends.

Do you behave differently in front of them, it could be a vibe you’re giving off?