To be worried my best friend is male, and what this means for future romantic relationships?

[FairTurtle]

I'm female. My best friend is male. We hang out a lot, are close, know each other's families, etc. He's the person I call if I need help with something, or just need to talk about something. I also have lots of other (and women) friends btw, he just happens to be the closest. We are also geographically close, which has probably contributed to it.

There is zero attraction between us, romantically, sexually, or emotionally. I see him as a sibling/cousin. Always have, for the 8 years since we met. We share a background, are very used to and comfortable in each other's company, like similar films etc, but have wildly different worldviews, interests, and life plans, and desires of a romantic relationship. Nothing he could do, or say, would ever change the fact that I see him like a sibling. And vice versa.

Most of my exes have been pretty cool about this, and I don't necessary see it as an issue. He, however, has exes that have really disliked this. It makes me a bit sad, as it makes me think when he does meet someone and it becomes serious, he and I won't be able to be as close anymore. It would feel like a huge loss, like losing a family member. In the past I've perhaps been a little naive and thought it's odd to care about this - surely lots of people have opposite-sex friends - but I've since realised that it maybe is a bit unusual to have such a close personal friendship with someone of the opposite sex, when it's not part of a wider group, etc?

What do people think? Do you have a male best friend? Just looking for reassurance, I guess.

You are both single and you are best friends. Essentially, you are each other’s primary attachment figures. Once you are in a couple, your partner will become your primary attachment figure. This is the future loss you are talking about. One of you will find somebody first, and the other will feel dropped.

It is not insecure to want to be the most important person in your partner’s life. It’s natural. Your partner will be your primary. You should absolutely have friends but this best friendship simply won’t have same intensity and priority. It’s unavoidable.

I say this as someone with a male best friend. He is still my best friend but the intensity of our friendship has drastically reduced since I found my partner. My partner is now my go-to person, my primary.

You're kidding me. I can't believe that two men going to the cinema together or going to a meal together is actually considered an unheard-of concept. Those are bog-standard socialising activities, not dates. The last time I went to the cinema was with a male friend. We saw Challengers then went for a quick dinner afterwards. It was not a date!

Genuinely never heard of it with the people I know. The men tend to go out in groups not one on one.

Shouldn’t your partner/wife etc be your best friend?

@ByGreatDenimCat What? This is nuts. He's not my "primary attachment figure" any more so than my other friends, or my mum, or my dad, or my brother. We're friends.

Tell me about this. This thread has honestly shocked me.

All the men behave in the same way?

I've heard a lot of "men are like this (sport), women are like that (shopping)" rigid gender policing in my time, but "men don't socialise one-on-one" is genuinely a new one for me. I just asked DP whether it was a thing and he looked at me like I had two heads and said "why on earth would anyone think that?"

I can confirm that we men are capable of going out for dinner or to the cinema or to any other activity as a pair without it being a date. In fact, some of us even prefer to do so.

If I want to catch up with a mate, I'll invite him out alone. Group things are more reserved for birthdays, stag do's or other such events.

I don't think women are more jealous - I think men come on to women more than women do to men @FairTurtle

What I mean by that is that every male close friend I've had has come on to me at some point, even if they're in a relationship. I used to think men and women could be close friends, but I've had it happen with so many male friendships now that I can't be bothered to be best friends with men anymore...

So I think men in these close platonic friendships are more likely to harbour feelings, and their girlfriends can probably somehow tell - in the same way your boyfriends can probs tell you're not interested in him.

@OhmygodDont Sorry, but I'm still in shock. You've not heard of two men meeting up one on one, for a social activity?

Not a bloody chance, I'm looking for completely different things in a partner than a friend.

For a start I need to be able to live with my partner, whereas my best friend would drive me up the wall after a few days.

On the flip side, I want to be able to talk about Star Trek, politics and formula 1 with my friend, and couldn't give a shit if my DP cares about those things.

I've got/had a male best friend. Known him since I was about 5 possibly younger. Grew up together and he's been there for me through the hardest times of my life but since he got married we're not allowed to be friends. He will still sometimes message in an emergency ie he's found an injured/stray/sick animal (he knows I take in all kinds of animals and will care for them until a rehab can collect). We miss each other but have to respect his wifes wishes. It's a bit sad because I wonder when one of us dies what happens then? can I go to his funeral or will it provoke her? can he go to mine if I go first? makes me so sad.

@MsLavender That's absolutely insane that his wife has actually banned contact to the point where you feel you won't be at his funeral. I'm so sorry. Bit shit of him really to agree to it. <3

At the end of the day you need to respect and accept whatever he and his future-partner want to do in regard to his friendship with you. That will be his primary relationship and that will and should always come before you.

You keep angling for people to confirm for you that ‘women are more jealous’. You can’t have had much life experience if you cannot see why, anecdotally, women may be seen to be behaving with more jealousy. The amount of men who not only cheat but disrespect their partners is off the scale. Women are, therefore, quite within their rights to desire some very evident and measurable respect when it comes to ensuring they are the primary relationship for their partner.

I understand what you are saying in that you feel you would never feel romantically towards your friend, but it’s naive to claim, with such certainty, that it would ‘never’ happen. It’s a long life – people change, relationships change and what people need and desire in a partner changes across time. Don’t be naive to this, and understand where any partner of your friend might be coming from in respect to this.

No.

I don’t want or need DH to be my everything. I’d find that suffocating.

Really? Then why do you call him your “best” friend?

@ByGreatDenimCat Er, I don't know? "Best friend" is just, for better or worse, a term used to describe a very close friend. That's all I mean. Out of all my friends, he is likely the closest, the one I see most often, etc. Calling him my primary attachment figure just sounds a bit weird, tbh, whether he's male or female. There's no weird co-dependency. We are just close friends. It's a perfectly normal, healthy friendship.

I agree with all this.

Also, anecdotally, every one of my close male friends have come on to me at some point in our friendship, which I find pretty depressing tbh.

The only close male friends I have where they haven't come on to me are my two brothers.

I see you don’t like the words “primary attachment figure”. I was just trying to communicate that he’s likely the person you rely on, go to with everything, share news with, etc.

In relationships, this person is your partner. So of course your friendship will change. And it’s normal to grieve this. It’s a loss.

@Fiveskin That's funny, because if you've read all my posts, you'll see that none of my previous partners have had any issue with it!

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@ByGreatDenimCat He's one of them, yes, but I equally go to many other friends and family members with the same stuff. I have a fairly wide social circle. There's no special or secret deep inside part of me that he knows that other close friends don't. We just happen to hang out and see each other a bit more. That's it.

@Fiveskin I mean, none of my relationships ended because I have a close male friend. They ended because 1) he moved abroad for work and I didn't want to go 2) chronic illness complicated things and 3) post-university drifting apart.

I'm not really sure what your point is.

They don’t need to be your ‘best friend’ but they do need to be your primary relationship, and that should be prioritised above a ‘best friend’.

I’m married and my best friend is a male. It’s never been an issue with DH.