To be worried my best friend is male, and what this means for future romantic relationships?

[FairTurtle]

I'm female. My best friend is male. We hang out a lot, are close, know each other's families, etc. He's the person I call if I need help with something, or just need to talk about something. I also have lots of other (and women) friends btw, he just happens to be the closest. We are also geographically close, which has probably contributed to it.

There is zero attraction between us, romantically, sexually, or emotionally. I see him as a sibling/cousin. Always have, for the 8 years since we met. We share a background, are very used to and comfortable in each other's company, like similar films etc, but have wildly different worldviews, interests, and life plans, and desires of a romantic relationship. Nothing he could do, or say, would ever change the fact that I see him like a sibling. And vice versa.

Most of my exes have been pretty cool about this, and I don't necessary see it as an issue. He, however, has exes that have really disliked this. It makes me a bit sad, as it makes me think when he does meet someone and it becomes serious, he and I won't be able to be as close anymore. It would feel like a huge loss, like losing a family member. In the past I've perhaps been a little naive and thought it's odd to care about this - surely lots of people have opposite-sex friends - but I've since realised that it maybe is a bit unusual to have such a close personal friendship with someone of the opposite sex, when it's not part of a wider group, etc?

What do people think? Do you have a male best friend? Just looking for reassurance, I guess.

Of course. Makes no difference if my best friend is male or female.

@Fiveskin I've literally said in my initial post.

1. Reassurance (which I've received plenty of, no thanks to responses like yours.

2. Genuine advice on how to navigate any difficult initial feelings from future partners, which I've also received

I wasn't really looking for the "omg women and man can't be friends without sexxxxxxx" brigade. I should have made this clearer in my post.

It's not a competition.

My best friend is a man, has been for over thirty years. We have different views on relationships, so whilst he's an amazing friend, it's not what I'd ever look for in a partner.
Our friendship has seen me marry (almost thirty years and still happy) and have three DC. He has a long term partner. I'm devastated he's dying of cancer, the thought of losing him is awful, but I can honestly say I wouldn't change anything about our relationship. I can't imagine my life without him in it. DH will also be losing someone who has become like a brother to him.

In my experience it depends on how the female friend behaves towards my bf and to me. If she’s gushing in a way where people question “have they/haven’t they” at some point…. I find that disrespectful, if she’s rude to me and thinks the friendship won’t change she’s wrong. A serious partner/spouse will replace a best friend. It’s an adjustment for both people in the friendship.

If therereally is zero attraction it should be fine.

Be warned, however, how he portrays it. I once had a boyfriend whose 2 best friends were women - one of whome he'd shagged (and told me he would love to again, then wondered why I had an issue with her sleeping over) and one of whom he hadn't, but would if she'd let him (again, he told me).

So if his girlfriends in the past have had an issue with you, maybe query what exactly he has said about your relationship from his own viewpoint.

The only thing I would say is, are you sure he doesn't see it as developing into something else? I had what I thought was a purely platonic male friend then 30 years after we met, me post divorce he said he would leave his wife for me . I had no idea he was hoping all those years I would want him like that

Hi OP

I have a male best friend, I've known him for 35+ years. He's the one I go to to talk things out and we are very close. My DH of 10 years has no issue with this and he knows how important my friend is to me. Granted, we live on opposite sides of the world but DH has no issue me texting and talking to him on the phone etc. He doesn't even have a problem if he wanted to come over to visit and stay with us.

I think it's important for new partners to understand that those friends were there long before them and they need to respect the friendship.

Will they? Plenty of people are married and also have a best friend.

No, there should be no competition in your no. 1 spot. It’s reserved for your partner and always your partner.

@Didimum Omg, chill.

People realise that it's massively unhealthy to expect one person to be your entire emotional support, right? This is why we have friends. If the only person in your life is your partner/spouse, and things go wrong, you're going to be in trouble especially if you don't have any family. I keep seeing this happen a LOT; women end up being trapped in marriages where they're entirely dependent on their spouse for emotional support, and then they feel they can't LEAVE because they don't have anyone else.

Then there are men with no friends who expect their potential partners to be their entire source of emotional support. It's so unhealthy. One person cannot carry everything alone.

I don't date anymore, but there's no way I would involve myself with anyone who didn't have a circle of friends. It's a huge red flag.

About what? I made my initial post and replied to two people who @ed me. Other posters have posted significantly more than me.

Who the hell is childish enough to have a no. 1 spot?

I'm not going to rank my partner, my child, mother, father, brother, friend etc. that's just weird. I love them all, in different ways.

And before you say "You should always be on your partner's side" if there's conflict. Bugger that, I'll support whoever I feel is in the right.

I've had many male 'friends'. Well, to me they were friends but every one of them made a pass at me eventually.

*One decided to randomly propose after telling me he loved me.

*Another I'd known for years appeared not to be interested and never came on to me. All the people in the friendship group knew he had feelings for me. I was the only one that didn't know.

*The biggest surprise was an old school friend. It was only texts, not even phone calls. He asked me to go away with him for his birthday. He'd found a deal on Groupon that was £70, so that's only £35 each. I said it may be a Groupon offer but there's no Grope On offer and if I got my own room was he still interested. He went by himself.🙄

I think it's the closeness/best friend status/first person you'd call etc that would be a problem than the friendship itself. Being honest I wouldn't want my boyfriend to share that kind of emotional intimacy with another woman.

Relationships are also based on more than sexual attraction and romantic chemistry. I've always been very good friends first with the men I've loved in my life- that friendship, emotionally intimacy and sharing of innermost thoughts is key to me in a relationship with a man. Other stuff comes second. I do have male friends but not close ones.

It’s shorthand for your primary relationship, short-handed there in the context of ‘competition’ (which I didn’t bring up btw).

And a primary relationship is not determined by ‘ranking’ and it’s not determined by amount of love. It means prioritising your partner’s emotional needs as importantly as your own and that his or her needs, feelings, and wellbeing take priority over other people or things.

@Babbahabba I wouldn't call the feelings I have for my male best friend "intimacy". I feel the same way about him as I do my close female friends. I enjoy hanging out with him, we have lots of shared jokes and experiences, I care for him deeply as I do for other friends, but I don't pine for him when he's away or when I don't get to see him. I don't want to be comforted by him when I'm sad. I don't need to be physically close to him. I don't always wonder what he thinks or feels about things. I'm not curious about him in the same way you are about a romantic partner. I don't feel a deep sense of "rightness" when we're together, and I don't miss him in any way other than how you might miss your friends when you don't see them for a while.

Why am I having to explain the difference between romance and friendship, on this thread? Bizarre.

I probably didn't explain but I meant that if you are in a committed relationship you don't put yourself in a position where there's the opportunity to have sex with someone else. You safeguard your relationship (which should be your first priority) by avoiding those kinds of situations. It's not about whether you think they are physically attractive etc. It's about opportunity. (Realistically men are hard wired to want sex while women want emotional intimacy so you are probably deluding yourself that your male friend hasn't at least entertained the idea).

That's not to say don't still meet a friend for a meal or coffee or to go cycling etc but be aware that there needs to be a boundary that isn't needed if you're both single.

You are young and idealistic - I once thought the same as you - but once you get older you will understand what i am talking about. Once you've seen a few marriages break up and sordid affairs develop.

@DinosaurMunch

Well this is true but on the other hand most people are looking for a life partner and will put them before a friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If he completely ghosts you obviously that's not great but it's highly unlikely he will prioritise you.

I find this bizarre. It’s not a binary choice between “life partner” and “friend”. Lots of us manage to have both? A good life partner won’t require you to drop all your friends because you have “the one”.

This thread goes quite a long way to explaining the mindset behind the “I have no friends but it doesn’t matter because I have my little family” posters. People assume that it’s either/or. It really shouldn’t be like this.

I don't know anyone that's openly bisexual. I'm in the working class north west so.thst may explain it.

As a woman though, it's not as much of an issue as women of any orientation are much less sexually driven as men. I've never had a woman come on to me but it has happened many times with men.

OP I don't know your age but I used to vehemently defend my male best friends when I was younger - thinking it bizarre that anyone said "men and women can't be friends"

I still have lots of male friends... But none as my best friend. The reality is that 90% of women have been sexually harassed by men. The #MeToo movement showed this is sadly very common.

And as I've gotten older, close male friends have got bored of their marriages, etc etc... I've not had ANY male 'best friends' who haven't tried it on with me.

I now still have a close, mixed group of friends - but I'd never be 'best friends' with a man other than my husband. It's just honestly not worth it - and as I said, I spent decades adoring having close male friends. I grew up with brothers & have had some great friendships with men.

I agree with another poster that bisexual is a little different as women don't tend to be as sexually predatory as men, I wouldn't say. Lesbians don't harass women to the same extent that straight men do

@Babbahabba the first person I'd call is dependent on what I'm calling about. For many things, DP. To talk through some specific family issues I've gone through, a close (female) friend of mine. To talk about work issues, a close (male) friend of mine who works in my industry. DP hasn't gone through that family situation and has a very different job to me so... of course I'd rather talk to other people for those.

@Didimum It depends what my partner's emotional needs and feelings actually are. I have no patience with irrational "needs" and "feelings" and I would place jealousy and possessiveness firmly in that box. A new boyfriend who had feelings about my male friends would get short shrift and probably dumped if they didn't fix up. The more important point, though, is that this is a non-issue with DP, who I knew was a keeper precisely because he has never expressed any of those feelings. So I prioritise his needs and feelings because they don't conflict with my needs and feelings to preserve my platonic friendships.

@DinosaurMunch for those who want to have sex with others, the opportunity is almost always there. Trying to cut off opportunity is a mug's game because taken to its logical conclusion it means controlling your partner's every move. And it's irrelevant. Cheating is a decision and a choice that people make because they lack morals or control or both - it has nothing to do with potential opportunity. I have been in hundreds of situations where I could have cheated. Literally. Never done so.

Realistically men are hard wired to want sex while women want emotional intimacy so you are probably deluding yourself that your male friend hasn't at least entertained the idea

The first bit of this sentence is stereotypical nonsense (I am so tired of being told that as a woman it's unnatural for me to want sex). I also don't care if my male friends have entertained the idea. As I said earlier sexual attraction is mundane and commonplace. "Entertaining the idea" is a non-issue. It happens with everyone all the time. I've idly thought about people I'd never dream of making an actual move on. What matters is that you don't turn it into action if you're in a monogamous relationship, or you turn it into action respectfully if you're not.

My best friend is male and the friendship pre-dated my relationship with DH. It has never been a problem for DH but as awful as it sounds, I think that’s because DH has met him and felt absolutely no sense of threat. I recently went and stayed with him, with my child, while going to something in his town (we have now moved away).

However, I could actually understand why a serious female partner of his would be less comfortable with it. I’m not supermodel attractive or the world’s greatest catch, but if I’m realistic, I would not sleep with my friend even if we were the last 2 people on the planet and there were no other options. The idea gives me the extreme ick. The reverse isn’t true. If he was single and I initiated sex and/or a relationship, he would happily engage.