To be worried my best friend is male, and what this means for future romantic relationships?

[FairTurtle]

I'm female. My best friend is male. We hang out a lot, are close, know each other's families, etc. He's the person I call if I need help with something, or just need to talk about something. I also have lots of other (and women) friends btw, he just happens to be the closest. We are also geographically close, which has probably contributed to it.

There is zero attraction between us, romantically, sexually, or emotionally. I see him as a sibling/cousin. Always have, for the 8 years since we met. We share a background, are very used to and comfortable in each other's company, like similar films etc, but have wildly different worldviews, interests, and life plans, and desires of a romantic relationship. Nothing he could do, or say, would ever change the fact that I see him like a sibling. And vice versa.

Most of my exes have been pretty cool about this, and I don't necessary see it as an issue. He, however, has exes that have really disliked this. It makes me a bit sad, as it makes me think when he does meet someone and it becomes serious, he and I won't be able to be as close anymore. It would feel like a huge loss, like losing a family member. In the past I've perhaps been a little naive and thought it's odd to care about this - surely lots of people have opposite-sex friends - but I've since realised that it maybe is a bit unusual to have such a close personal friendship with someone of the opposite sex, when it's not part of a wider group, etc?

What do people think? Do you have a male best friend? Just looking for reassurance, I guess.

I mean it was entirely his choice. I didn’t even mention them and was always friendly with them many a selfie and karaoke sing along in big group settings.

But all the males did just stop inviting them along or responding to them once they found their love interests. Seemed to just be the thing. Even thinking to my brothers relationship his friends are all males and his gf’s are all females though a lot coupled up.

I guess if it’s what’s always seen around you it seems pretty normal 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is absolute bollocks. It's perfectly fine to have friends of the opposite sex, it's 2024 not 19bloody50.

My best friend is male. Never bothered my DH, even less so now he’s come out as gay - but we genuinely had no idea!

His female ex’s didn’t like me though tbf. DH is very close with female friends, I’m not bothered. We both know each others friends well, it is what it is! Friends were here first!

@Nickyknockers I mean, I share my "innermost thoughts" with him the same way as I share what's going on with me with other (female) friends. We just happen to see each other more, due to the reasons I listed above (mostly geography, and shared history). It's not some romantic, candle-lit dinner, looking into each others' eyes type sharing.

I think all close friendships take some level of back-step when one or other gets married. At least with successful marriages. With a partner, every minutiae of life gets shared; what you're doing in the future, money, children, families, shopping, a bed, holidays... even a very close friend can never be as close as that one person you literally chose to share your whole life with. That doesn't mean that all friendships fall by the wayside. I always had many good male friends who I still see; one of them I'm closer to his wife now and another is closer to my DH, the others I see more out in a group. DH has some female friends he sees, though they were never as close. I don't feel there is any loss, it's just a natural stage of life.

Don't over-think it based on random posters, but it is good to keep a wider circle in any event. Not one best friend but 5, keep life as full as possible.

@GRex Yes, absolutely agree!

I feel sorry for you. Genuinely.

I have male friends, the key is to be open and non threatening, don't get involved in their relationship and some things such as nights away will always be off limits. Make an effort with your friends partners, engage with them and be respectful of boundaries. It is possible

My DH best friend is female and he has more female friends then male.
I can't say it bothers me but his best friend was very conscious in the early days of us going out to including me, not to have insider conversations or remember when we did x conversations for quite a while etc.

But I would say I'm secure and independent and some of my friends said arent you bothered by x to which my response was why should I be. For some women another female can bring out the worst especially if they have had experiences of being cheated on etc.

He did have one female friend I took an instant dislike to but with good reason. She deliberately spent hours reminiscing, had a "debate" with me about my job (aka lectured me) and tried to sit on his lap with me next to him in the pub....to which he said there's a seat over there. She later sent him a text saying how they were always meant to be and basically to get rid of me......that one backfired spectacularly.

It won't become difficult based on his future choice in partner. If he values you he won't ditch you, if he doesn't he will and he wasn't 'like a brother' after all. Only he and you can end your friendship. His future partner doesn't have that power and it is imo strange that you would even think that she might. Can people make you end your friendships against your will? Your friends isn't some passive little lamb that may get eaten up by a woman, he is í presume a full grown man who can make his own decisions as to whether or not he wants you in his life.

I have a very close male friend who I've been friends with since 1998. He was married then, since divorced and remarried nearly 20 years. I got on with both his wives but he is still the " friend" not them. Never been an issue.

I've also been in various long term relationships through this time.

If a potential partner started giving me grief about seeing friend then I wouldn't be with them

I think sometimes the man is so worried about being disrespectful to his partner that he will naturally back off. And that's fine, but it does change the friendship.

I wouldn't want a boyfriend with a female best friend.

Would you?

@unmemorableusername If you're asking me...given my post and the fact I have a male best friend, obviously I wouldn't mind.

Well exactly. The reasons my friends are my friends are because our personalities gel, we have common interests and values, we like doing the same activities, we go to the same events etc. None of which is based on anyone's genitalia or sexuality. It's quite weird to think of them as "my male friends" and "my female friends" and outside of MN, which is a very strange place on this topic, I don't! I'm very thankful my social circle doesn't operate on gender-segregated lines.

Part of being able to maintain opposite-sex friendships once everyone's in a relationship is having a mixed social circle to start with. If everyone you're friends with has been hanging out with both men and women in various combinations for the past 20 years, it's unlikely that anyone can spring some "men and women can't be friends" nonsense on us.

@gannett I'm glad to hear you say MN has strange views on this topic. Most of my real-life friends agree with me, but it is a bit worrying seeing so many comments on here being like "oh come on"/"eventually something will happen" etc etc.

Wouldn't bother me. Why wouldn't you want a boyfriend with a female friend?

Most of my friends in my 20's were men. Had one I'd call a best friend, two very good friends and then a few others. As previous people have said I didn't really think of them as male friends, they were/are just my friends! Did have quite a bit of eye rolling from people who didn't know better about my bestie, but just was never going to happen. We're in our 30's now and I'm still close with the main 3 and in touch with the majority of the others, but we've all married and don't have the time for friendships that we used to. I had a Man of Honour at my wedding, he's godfather to my kids. Would say when we coupled up that just enhanced the friendship vibes. I love their spouses and they get on well with mine. We hang out mostly as families these days, it's very nice. I only lost one out of the lot because his now wife didn't like him having female friends. I rarely seem to see anyone without their kids/families in tow at the moment, whether male or female!!

One thing I was not prepared for though is when it came to the weddings they all had stags and invited my partner. It makes sense, I understand it, but I still hated it at the time. They were my friends 😂 I wanted to be there celebrating with them!!! Didn't go on the equivalent hens as I was the guys mate, and missed the stags because I'm a woman. Sucked!!

As an aside my DH has 3 best friends, been besties since childhood. 1 man and 2 women. The majority of his friendship group is female, and it's gone similarly to mine tbh. He had a best woman! We hang out en masse a lot. He hangs out with the girls and also gets invited to stuff by the spouses. It all just kind of levels out.

@Cantgetbehindtheradiator Love this!!!

There's enough of a possibility that it will be an issue for a future partner of either of you, that I can see why you'd worry.

How do people think bisexuals maintain friendships?

MIC DROP

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@offyoujollywelltrot @Bitchneyspears Haha, exactly! I'm glad I posted, I seriously cba with people who are weird about this or have this bizarre view that it's strange or unusual or "not how it should be."