To be worried my best friend is male, and what this means for future romantic relationships?

[FairTurtle]

I'm female. My best friend is male. We hang out a lot, are close, know each other's families, etc. He's the person I call if I need help with something, or just need to talk about something. I also have lots of other (and women) friends btw, he just happens to be the closest. We are also geographically close, which has probably contributed to it.

There is zero attraction between us, romantically, sexually, or emotionally. I see him as a sibling/cousin. Always have, for the 8 years since we met. We share a background, are very used to and comfortable in each other's company, like similar films etc, but have wildly different worldviews, interests, and life plans, and desires of a romantic relationship. Nothing he could do, or say, would ever change the fact that I see him like a sibling. And vice versa.

Most of my exes have been pretty cool about this, and I don't necessary see it as an issue. He, however, has exes that have really disliked this. It makes me a bit sad, as it makes me think when he does meet someone and it becomes serious, he and I won't be able to be as close anymore. It would feel like a huge loss, like losing a family member. In the past I've perhaps been a little naive and thought it's odd to care about this - surely lots of people have opposite-sex friends - but I've since realised that it maybe is a bit unusual to have such a close personal friendship with someone of the opposite sex, when it's not part of a wider group, etc?

What do people think? Do you have a male best friend? Just looking for reassurance, I guess.

Well lucky you don’t have to! Some of us are lucky to have really good male and female friends. I’m sorry this hasn’t happened for you.

My best friend is a man. We’re both married now, if my DH hadn’t accepted him as my best friend then he wouldn’t be my DH.

It's an excellent filter for potential bfs. If they object, they have issues. There is nothing wrong at all in having good friends of the opposite gender.

Ahhh I feel really happy at some of the responses coming in now. Not even because of my best friend in particular - because who knows what kind of partner he might end up with - but just because it's nice to know both male and female friendships can continue after couplehood/marriage etc

I was generalising OP.
If the friendship you have, the contact you have , and the activities you enjoy together, are not the type that are open to misinterpretation/ misconstruction, then you are right: your friendship should be able to continue with little change.

Because we all know couples who’ve been adamant there’s nothing romantic between them…. until there is.

@Spomb Ah, I interpreted @Viviennemary's post as "I don't buy into this. My best friend is a man." Punctuation is important, haha!

OP do you have any close female friends? I’m always sus of women who don’t. Especially ones that like to generalise and be critical of other women.

Reasonable people on Mumsnet? It's mindblowing isn't it?

Thing is, I'm massively critical of men as a rule, so the ones I'm friends with are salt of the earth blokes that I can trust with my life and my confidences. They would also not stand for being told they couldn't be mates with me anymore if their partners didn't like it, and so far it's not been a problem. The idea of being sexually intimate with either of them makes me feel weird. It just wouldn't happen.

Some of how this goes will depend on your behaviour towards him. My exH had a female friend who was very tactile with him, sitting on his lap when we were all together in public, flirting, other behaviours I found really inappropriate.They claimed to be like siblings! It felt really disrespectful. People assumed they were the couple and I felt like a third wheel. My current DP has a female friend where it is really nothing like this.

My question is...if it all ' just friends' why be so upset when they mwet a woman and naturally want to spend most of their time with her? Surely you would be happy for him?
And if you were a true friend you would give him the space to do this.
Unless you are one of those ladies who only has male friends?

Meet*

The fact is you aren't siblings, you aren't related, you aren't family. He's like a brother actually means nothing, I have 2 brothers, I barely speak to them. You are friends and that's great, there is no need for the weird 'he's like a brother' thing, it comes across as defensive and like you are trying too hard to 'oooh I could never'.

It does strike me as weird that you are here worrying about losing him when he isn't even in a relationship. It seems possessive. If he gets into a relationship that makes him happy that should make you happy. If he decides to ditch you after he gets in a relationship then you obviously weren't as close as you think you are. That's it really.

Hopefully he won’t end up with someone so insecure she is threatened by this.

I have male friends I see without my husband and he used to have a really close female friend that he’d go out for dinner with (she’s moved to another country). It’s never even occurred to us to make it an issue. But we are not jealous or insecure.

I had a male best friend who vanished when he got into a relationship, but I got it as we had come close to being more at one point and obviously he should prioritise her.

I was fairly relaxed about it, but I've had two previous relationships where their female friends were clearly interested in them e.g. answering the door with just a t shirt on and then getting weird when they saw I was there too etc.

These days I am more wary about seemingly platonic friendships. I would also feel uncomfortable about the two of them going away together, which I wouldn't have years ago.

However I don't think just women are jealous. Me having a male best friend was a huge issue for most people I dated.

My DH's best friend is female and I have zero issues with it. She's lovely, they had been friends for 10 years before we met and she is the person he calls when he needs advice on anything etc, and likewise he is always there to help her out. Her daughter was flower girl at our wedding. I also have a few close male friends, and DH has female colleagues he will have dinner with 1:1 outside of work sometimes and I do the same with male colleagues - I don't really understand why people would have a problem with this unless their partner is obviously being dodgy. In my mind you either trust your partner or you don't - restricting opposite sex friendships isn't going to stop them cheating if they are that way inclined anyway, and if you need to be controlling in your behaviour towards your partner's friends the relationship is likely doomed for other reasons.

The problem is as a hell of a lot women know, 90% of the time even if you have never ever even flirted if you turned around and offered your male bestie sex he would say yes. That’s why.

I can count on one hand the amount of male friends Ive had that have not offered up their services. Even the most unsuspecting ones, the loyal friends husband who look perfect on the outside. The high school close friend who was like a brother, the just in general old male friend who pops up asking for a pic 🤪😜.

Crazy amounts of men. Some single others with fiancées and some married. I’m also married have been for years. Doesn’t stop the offers from these male “friends”. and I’m definitely not some sexy sack of lady. 🤣 more like a baked potato with boobs.

Id never give an ultimatum about a female friend but tbh naturally dh but back then bf just stopped responding to them and dropped them all. In fact I don’t think any of the “lads” in that friend group are in contact with any of the females from back then. They where again all dropped as soon as a serious gf came along.

@BananaSpanner and @malificent7 I have tons of female friends! We are super close, it just so happens that this male friend is my closest friend, likely due to 1) geography (we live near each other and always have done), 2) we share a cultural background and 3) we both had a period of unemployment/illness where we weren't doing a lot, so spent a lot of time hanging out and got each other through some tough times

@malificent7 I wouldn't be upset if he wanted to spend his time with a romantic partner! I would be super happy for him, and I always encourage him when he's dating, etc. My worry is that if he intentionally tries to distance himself from the friendship with me, and the friendship therefore ending, due to a future partner being jealous, etc. Jeez.

It'll be his choice to date someone who thinks men and women can't be just friends.
It's silly but it's on him to have a relationship with someone that respects his friendships

Not in my experience, and I've certainly never done that (to me) deeply bizarre thing that seems to strike some Mners as normal, of 'retiring' my opposite-sex friendships when in a relationship, 'out of respect'. I think this is quite mad, and incredibly insulting to everyone involved.

'Respect' in this context seems to come down to some weird belief that there's only space for one opposite-sex relationship in a person's life, so the friend should make way for the person someone is shagging.

Plus no one in their right mind would ditch a valued, longterm friendship for a relationship that might not last. I've been with DH for almost 30 years, and I still have friendships with men that are older than that. Anyone who thought it was unreasonable for me to see friends of either sex, or to make new ones as I saw fit, would not be the partner for me. Insecurity is always unappealing.

@TheOliveGoose The "he's like a brother" retort is because I also have brothers, and I am close to them, and my relationship with my friend is of a very similar dynamic.

I mean, you're right - I am defensive, given the context of what I am saying i.e. we really are just close friends, sibling-like, and am worried the friendship could become difficult based on his future choice of partner. That's literally the point of this thread. I'm not trying to too hard - I'm just trying to get across the point that there is no romantic/sexual chemistry, given how many people on this thread are suggesting that that can rarely be the case...

@OhmygodDont What a lovely man your DH sounds like. "Dropping" his supposed friends as soon as a girlfriend comes along.

@Nickyknockers "It's just not the way it should be". Oh lord.

We are currently both single, but have both been in relationships at various points during our friendship. He almost got engaged once.

@TeenageSwans Exactly! Thank you. God, I'm so glad this (hopefully) isn't some novel view.

I genuinely cherish my friendships, and idea that you just let them go when you meet a romantic partner, "out of respect", is so nuts to me, and says a lot about people who do that.