To be worried my best friend is male, and what this means for future romantic relationships?

[FairTurtle]

I'm female. My best friend is male. We hang out a lot, are close, know each other's families, etc. He's the person I call if I need help with something, or just need to talk about something. I also have lots of other (and women) friends btw, he just happens to be the closest. We are also geographically close, which has probably contributed to it.

There is zero attraction between us, romantically, sexually, or emotionally. I see him as a sibling/cousin. Always have, for the 8 years since we met. We share a background, are very used to and comfortable in each other's company, like similar films etc, but have wildly different worldviews, interests, and life plans, and desires of a romantic relationship. Nothing he could do, or say, would ever change the fact that I see him like a sibling. And vice versa.

Most of my exes have been pretty cool about this, and I don't necessary see it as an issue. He, however, has exes that have really disliked this. It makes me a bit sad, as it makes me think when he does meet someone and it becomes serious, he and I won't be able to be as close anymore. It would feel like a huge loss, like losing a family member. In the past I've perhaps been a little naive and thought it's odd to care about this - surely lots of people have opposite-sex friends - but I've since realised that it maybe is a bit unusual to have such a close personal friendship with someone of the opposite sex, when it's not part of a wider group, etc?

What do people think? Do you have a male best friend? Just looking for reassurance, I guess.

@gannett
"for those who want to have sex with others, the opportunity is almost always there. Trying to cut off opportunity is a mug's game because taken to its logical conclusion it means controlling your partner's every move. And it's irrelevant. Cheating is a decision and a choice that people make because they lack morals or control or both - it has nothing to do with potential opportunity. I have been in hundreds of situations where I could have cheated. Literally. Never done so"

I was talking about controlling one's own behaviour, not a partner's behaviour. I completely disagree with your belief that there are 2 types of people those who cheat and those who don't. It's a naive idea. In reality most people could cheat given a particular combination of circumstances. The motivation for cheating isn't necessarily just sex it can be as a result of loneliness, being trapped in a bad relationship, wanting something more from life. People who cheat aren't some different category of humans. If you really want to cheat you will of course create the opportunity. The point is that you don't want to cheat so you don't create the opportunity

Realistically men are hard wired to want sex while women want emotional intimacy so you are probably deluding yourself that your male friend hasn't at least entertained the idea

"The first bit of this sentence is stereotypical nonsense (I am so tired of being told that as a woman it's unnatural for me to want sex). I also don't care if my male friends have entertained the idea. As I said earlier sexual attraction is mundane and commonplace. "Entertaining the idea" is a non-issue. It happens with everyone all the time. I've idly thought about people I'd never dream of making an actual move on. What matters is that you don't turn it into action if you're in a monogamous relationship, or you turn it into action respectfully if you're not."

It's not stereotype it's biological reality. It's not unnatural for women to want sex but in general men want it a lot more than women. Obviously not all men or all women before you point out a single example!

I have had very close male friends throughout my life. One thing I have found is that when men aren't in a relationship I became, looking back, a surrogacy girlfriend, basically doing things with them like going to dinners, parties, cinema because I was available. Without exception every single one ditched the friendship when they had a serious romantic partner. One of these friendships was 30 years old, others 6 and 10 years. Now it's a sporadic lunch in the middle of the week. However, the same friends kept their close male friends.
Often in a relationship there's not enough time to work, focus on the relationship and see friends separately, so there's some compromise. It's easy to say to a romantic partner that you're going to spend the day hiking with a male friend and they are happy doing their own thing but if it's a female friend it has a different dynamic. Being honest I wouldn't expect a male friend to go out for dinner with me on a Saturday night if they have a partner but a woman would would happily go on a girls night out.

* The motivation for cheating isn't necessarily just sex it can be as a result of loneliness, being trapped in a bad relationship, wanting something more from life. People who cheat aren't some different category of humans. If you really want to cheat you will of course create the opportunity. The point is that you don't want to cheat so you don't create the opportunity*

Bad relationships and dissatisfaction with life are mundane and commonplace. Using them as an excuse to cheat is a decision that most people don't make.

I have been in so many situations that could be seen as "opportunities to cheat" (for me and I suppose for the men too). Everything from going to fancy restaurants with male friends to getting drunk in hotel rooms with male friends at 1am, just the two of us. The opportunity did not lead to any sort of inappropriate behaviour.

It's not stereotype it's biological reality. It's not unnatural for women to want sex but in general men want it a lot more than women. Obviously not all men or all women before you point out a single example!

Well if it's not all men and all women then it's not a biological reality is it, because it doesn't apply to everyone.

It might not be your partners you need to worry about. My best friend was male, we met when we were 14 and we hung out, travelled the world together, he was like my brother and then one day when we were 30 he met his now wife.

She hated my guts before she met me, I was no threat I was in a settled relationship (my husband loved my friend and we’d hang out all the time). Her first words when she met me was ‘so he’s not fucked you then?’ And hello to you too!

Basically she made his life hell whenever he wanted to see me, or phone and in the end our friendship just died. She got what she wanted, and he wanted her which was entirely fair he loves her. But it was incredibly sad to lose a childhood long term friend and it did break my heart at the time. So just a word of warning it can happen and there is nothing you can do about it.

@gannett So grateful for you still coming on here and talking some sense on this thread!!!!!!!!!

I DESPAIR OF SOME OF THESE REPLIES