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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

351 replies

northernerinlondon · 09/09/2024 11:35

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

  • We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
  • Finances aren’t an issue.
  • We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
  • We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Peonies12 · 09/09/2024 11:36

yes YABU. A family dog needs to be just that - everyone needs to be on board. It's not fair on pet otherwise.

Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2024 11:36

If any adult or older child in the house doesn't want a pet you don't get one.
He has every right not to want a dog.

Beamur · 09/09/2024 11:37

I think you would be unreasonable to spring one on him. But I think I would tell him that you are getting a dog, as previously agreed and invite him to be part of that.

Edingril · 09/09/2024 11:37

No you don't just get one like a dog is a handbag

Beamur · 09/09/2024 11:38

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed

Pretty unreasonable of him not to honour this now.

heldinadream · 09/09/2024 11:39

Yes of course you would be being unreasonable. Read the top trending thread today - To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us.
You need to kindly get to the bottom of what's changed his mind. Possibly it's to do with parenting turning out to be harder and more responsibility than he anticipated. But you can't make a unilateral decision to get a pet.

You could find yourself divorced.

letmego24 · 09/09/2024 11:40

I love (some) ) dogs but don't want one though dh does. I've had enough responsibility and have enough work and ties already. I think you have to ascertain if he really wants one or not you can't force it.

Spondoolies · 09/09/2024 11:41

Beamur · 09/09/2024 11:38

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed

Pretty unreasonable of him not to honour this now.

Circumstances change

Edingril · 09/09/2024 11:41

Beamur · 09/09/2024 11:38

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed

Pretty unreasonable of him not to honour this now.

So a person announcers 'we are getting a dog it is not negotiable' so the other person has no choice but to agree so why are they are fault?

Foxblue · 09/09/2024 11:45

I don't think anyone can really advise unless you can give us more detail on what your DH's specific concerns are - training? Exercise needs? Preferred breed?

Original poster
northernerinlondon · 09/09/2024 11:46

Thanks, all—taking your advice on board.

@Edingril I know a dog isn’t a trivial decision, which is why I’ve been discussing and planning for it with my partner for over 10 years.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit silenced and powerless, as there are other big life decisions—like moving out of the city—that we’d agreed on before marriage, which are now off the table. I feel like I’ve been increasingly flexible, while he’s become more rigid.

OP posts:
angelcake20 · 09/09/2024 11:47

Can you not have a rational discussion and encourage him to explain his reasoning in more detail; I get that "too difficult" is not enough? Having a dog is a massive commitment and everyone really needs to be on board. However, the first thing I said after I accepted DH's proposal was that he had to accept that we would never get a dog (I can't stand them!) and I'd have been upset if he'd tried to change my mind.

YourWinter · 09/09/2024 11:48

It would be just as unreasonable as deliberately getting pregnant when your partner isn’t sure they agree.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 09/09/2024 11:50

I was right with you until I read your last sentence.

Of course YABU!

Mrsdyna · 09/09/2024 11:51

If he doesn't agree then you shouldn't be getting one.

FloofPaws · 09/09/2024 11:52

What's his actual reasoning behind changing his mind? Does he want to wait, find the best dog breed for the family? We got a dog for the family, I was the most reluctant, I said yes but wanted a Samoyed and it was agreed, but goodness I love her to bits now. DH does most of the walks and training but she's a family dog .... I've paid the paw 🐾 tax 😉

DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.
BatFacedGirlll · 09/09/2024 11:54

The question here is why.
Why has he changed his mind? Has he said?

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 11:54

I love dogs and we have always had them but it really does require everyone in the house to be 100% on board because they are really hard work, especially as puppy’s. If he doesn’t want one then it can’t be forced.

Original poster
northernerinlondon · 09/09/2024 11:55

Sorry, my "shall I just...get one" comment was flippant. I’d never actually do that—I was just frustrated by the lack of willingness to discuss it.

@Foxblue Good point. I think that’s why I’m so frustrated—he can’t give any clear reasons, just says it would be "too much" and impact our lifestyle.

I’m flexible on breed as long as it’s suitable for city living and doesn’t need more than an hour of exercise. I grew up with dogs and have committed to handling the training.

This might be part of a bigger issue. I’ve suggested couples counseling to improve communication, but he shuts that down too. We’re only in our mid-late 30s, and I don’t want us to stagnate.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 09/09/2024 11:56

I'm a dog lover and we adopt rescues that nobody else wants. We lost one to cancer in June and are now looking at adopting another.

WE are looking. If my OH suddenly said "No, I've changed my mind", that would be the end of it. Because having a dog is a huge commitment both in terms of time and finances.

Go ahead and ask him why. But you would be massively unreasonable to get a dog if he isn't fully onboard.

autumnbake · 09/09/2024 11:56

Both adults in the household need to agree before getting a dog, you absolutely cannot just go buy one.

It 100% wouldnt be fair to the poor dog to have one of his carers resent him and not want to care or love him properly.

Maybe talk to your DH again, what exactly are his reasons?

AyeupDuck · 09/09/2024 11:58

I would ask his reasons and what changed. Maybe he just lied in the first instance to shut you up it’s a possibility.

I prefer cats and made it plain we would be having cats as I just could not be bothered with the upkeep of a dog, plus unfair as we both worked FT. I do not dislike them I am not even lazy but I hate walking in the rain and a dog needs to still go out. Plus DH worked away quite often for a decade so it would have all been down to me. He is due to retire soon so once the cat slips off this mortal coil we will have a dog. Because he will be main carer and if it rains he can walk it whilst I remain drinking tea in the warm.

loropianalover · 09/09/2024 11:59

I don’t think the issue here is the dog.

The issue is that he ‘shuts down’ when you try to communicate with him. He has changed the goalposts on other things too, like moving out of the city. You say moving is now ‘off the table’. He won’t go to counselling, he won’t communicate with you. Sounds like you’ve stagnated already.

You’re very young to be wasting your life in this set up.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 09/09/2024 11:59

It sounds like he just doesn't have the room to be responsible for something else (not implying that he's The Responsible One in the family). Some people just can't take on too much. And I wonder if the dog is his 'too much'.

I never recommend Borrow My Doggy in all honesty. And I would never lend my dog to strangers, however, in your case, I'm wondering if Borrow My Doggy could be a good, non-committal way of helping your DH ease back into his previous agreement on getting a dog. It could also be the thing that confirms you shouldn't get a dog. Either way, have a look at their website.

Sorry, I'm editing because I sound like such a jerk! 😆"I never" "Oh my precious doggy would NEVER be borrowed."
Let me rephrase it all and say it better: "I don't often recommend Borrow My Doggy and my own dog wouldn't cope well with strangers."
How about that? Less arrogant sounding. Sorry about that! 😅

MilkToast · 09/09/2024 11:59

You are not being unreasonable in expecting him to live up to his part of the agreement, but it would be unfair on the dog to bring it in to a home where one half doesn’t want him.

I suspect your husband agreed to placate you, with no intention of actually following through. It’s very infantilising to do to you, if that’s the case. ‘Yes yes honey, we’ll do xyz thing…but when the time is right, not now…see how reasonable I am being?’.