DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

[northernerinlondon]

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

• We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
• Finances aren’t an issue.
• We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
• We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

They ‘agreed’ five years ago they would wait until DD is 5. The DH may feel that having a 5 year old is enough, kids need a lot of attention, cleaning up after, extra mental load of arranging parties, dress up days, play dates etc. A dog would complicate holidays and days out. He may feel that now he is a bit older he doesn’t have the energy for walking a dog or that he would rather take up cycling as his hobby, not dog walking. Many many things could have changed his mind within 5 years.

As a huge dog lover myself, I'd be really upset and pissed off if I was the OP. It's like getting together on the premise that you both want kids, then one of you just making excuses for not having one for the rest of your lives. It's unfair to make promises you have no intention of keeping. For me, having an animal-free home is a compromise I wouldn't be prepared to make. I don't really have any advice for the OP, just offering solidarity.

They changed their mind yes… but the circumstances under which they’d agreed to get a dog didn’t change.

I used to like dogs and had one for a while. After I had a child, I couldn’t stand them 🤷‍♀️ people are allowed to change their minds, especially about a dog which is such a big responsibility/tie. And they pish everywhere!

I can understand why you feel this way, for me I was always going to have dogs, no compromise.

I grew up with them and love them, so I was always clear with relationships that I'll have one.

I feel he's being unfair, in what way will it be difficult

I think people who don't love animals underestimate how much some people love animals and need them as a presence in their lives. Therefore it's easy to make that promise that there'll be a dog in five years, because you don't believe it really matters if you don't keep it.

But it does matter to people who love animals. As someone who generally prefers them to humans, it's an absolute deal-breaker for me to even date someone who doesn't like dogs (I have two so they'd have to be a part of their life anyway). Some might think that's unreasonable, but it's how I feel.

I don't agree with the majority of comments. If you'd married a man who had agreed you both wanted a child and then he backtracked he'd be called a future faker, you'd be told to LTB, etc. I don't see that this is that different. You agreed on a future you both visualised, and he's backtracked. Do you definitely want to stay with him?

To get a dog or not is another symptom of the bigger issue, which is that he thinks he can unilaterally make important decisions without discussion. Which isn't ok at all. Pets should be a joint decision, but an actual joint decision involving discussion and listening to each other, not him unilaterally saying no. If the important decisions in a marriage are being made unilaterally by one person then you don't have a real partnership and there are serious problems with your marriage.

If he doesn't have some really strong reasons (recent ones, too, since he's always agreed you'd get a dog 'someday'), I'd tell him you need to have a serious discussion about WHEN you're getting a dog. You were honest that it was a non-negotiable for you, and you've waited patiently for years. What has changed and when would be be okay with a dog?

I don't believe that everyone in the household has to want the dog, if at least one adult is prepared to take on full responsibility for its needs (until the other person is typically won over by the charms of the pet). I wouldn't back down; this is something he's known you wanted and agreed to previously, and I wouldn't accept anything else. It's not like you're expecting him to birth a child or move to another country!

Could you foster a dog?

That way it would be temporary and you'd not have the dog forever. It would be temporary.

Then you get to have a dog for a bit, but not forever. it would be a compromise and allow all sides to see what having a dog is like.

However you would have to agree not to be a foster-fail. The dog would need to go to a good home.

Lied and manipulated?

Perhaps it was easy for DH to agree to a future dog pre DC. Having DC and age may have caused DH to realise he doesn't have the energy and passion to commit to taking care of another living being.

There's nothing wrong with that. Fair play to him for not immediately jumping into such a signficiant commitment.

You would be VU to get “just” one. Read the comments on the thread where the DH brought home a kitten - it’s not ok. And dogs are much higher maintenance in the long run.

Would you feel the same if they had the dog first and agreed to TTC when dog was 5, and DH now felt it was too much?

YOu should read this thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5161411-to-be-really-unhappy-at-having-a-cat-imposed-on-us yes

So he agreed to move out of the city, agreed to getting a dog basically agreed what your future would look like and has now backtracked but won't discuss, gets upset to shut you down when you try to discuss it and refuses to go to marriage counselling. Can I suggest you go to relationship counselling alone i think it might be an eye opener for you and give you strategies going forward

We have a dog because DH wanted a dog. If I could turn back time, I would have said No more firmly, but ultimately once DH decides something it generally happens regardless if I want it or not.

I told DH that I would divorce him if he talked about getting another dog after ours has gone and I mean that 100%.

Rookiedog is generally lovely but the house stinks of dog all the time no matter how much I clean, and I hate cleaning. DH has gone back into the office 3 days a week so muggins here spends her lunch break walking the dog.

You are both wfh right now. Will that remain the case for the next 11-14 years ? How much of the dog care are you expecting DH to do ?Have you factored in the extra cost and hassle of arranging dog care if you want to go abroad?
Do you realise that all days out etc from now on will need to take dogs needs into account- even if that's only making sure dog can be left alone for a couple of hours.

A 5 year old needs a lot of looking after, feels like you've already got enough on your plates.

might be sucky, but he’s allowed to change his mind. You said it was a deal breaker, so I guess you want a divorce.

Consent is like tea as we know. It’s ok to say you’d like a cup of tea and then change your mind.

You don’t then force tea on someone who doesn’t want any.

I haven't rtft but found this interesting. Why did you compromise?

I agree, I was married when I got my dogs (I'm not now but that's not to do with the dogs!) and the deal with my husband (who was never massively doggy although he is fond of them) was that they'd be 'my' dogs, which I wanted anyway. If you do all the feeding, all the walking, and all the hoovering of the inevitable dog hair, they're not massively anyone else's problems. My dogs very much consider themselves 'my' dogs and generally just stay with me, wherever I am. I honestly think cats (I have one of these too) are more trouble than dogs! At least dogs don't claw the sofa and trash it!

I think he's told you what you wanted to hear, future faked you. He doesn't care that this is what you wasted and sees his wants as more important. That's a red flag, dog or no dog.

This.

That particular analogy is about consent to sex, though, not consent to anything.

That particular analogy is about consent to sex, though, not consent to anything.

My husband would love a cat. He grew up with cats and feels that they de-stress him and that they make a great pet.

I’m not getting a cat. There have been times I’d said I’d think about it, to end the conversation, but I have no intention of getting any pet.

I am extremely house proud and cleanliness is next to godliness as far as I’m concerned. I refuse to deal with kitty litter, or cat poop, hairballs or grooming. I also refuse to spend money on cat food and veterinary care, so all in all I’d be a terrible cat owner. And I do like animals from a distance, so I wouldn’t inflect poor pet ownership on one.

If my husband bought one without my consent, he’d had two options. Return it, or leave with it. I would hate for him to thrust an unwanted pet into my life.