DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

[northernerinlondon]

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

• We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
• Finances aren’t an issue.
• We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
• We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

You would leave your husband - break up your marriage- over a DOG? 🤦‍♀️

I think it’s about lying to manipulate your spouse, and treating them like a second class citizen, rather than about the dog itself.

OP has suggested this is the tip of a rather unpleasant iceberg.

I wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t want dogs at some point. So yes, if they unilaterally refused at a later date, for no good reason, you bet your life I would leave.

Yes, you would be unreasonable, despite his earlier agreement, because people change their minds! Not only that, but you get a dog and whether you or he likes it or not, he will also have to be responsible for it. You're too busy, or unwell, or have to do things for the kids, your parents or other family members? He will be responsible for the dog. It's unavoidable. We have a cat. It's my cat. Does DH sometimes have to feed it and take care of it while I'm busy or visiting my parents or something? Yes. But a cat is easy-peasy. Cats don't need to be walked, he doesn't have to pick up her shit, her needs are very simply met. A dog is an entirely different level of responsibility - and that's why everyone needs to be 100% on board with getting one.

We had this and guess what my dh keeps doing now? Asking for a SECOND dog!!

We agreed we always wanted a dog and after our older dc were old enough (age 5 and 4) I decided it was time. We also had a very tough year with friends/family passing away and needed some joy in our lives. But my dh did not feel ready. He kept saying he wanted a dog, but we were no way ready. He was clear that he felt we were not ready. But in any case, we had discussed previously what dog we would get. I did plenty of research to make sure we got an easy family friendly dog. I found a breeder and decided to put a deposit down and get on the waitlist.....6 months later our dog arrived and we got the call. My dh was very unsure and thought we are still not ready, but agreed to speak to the breeder and drive 3 hours with me to take a look at the puppy. I knew if all was good, my dh would agree to the puppy. I was ready to walk away too of course if we did not feel right after meeting the dog. But, after meeting the dog, dh agreed to it and it is the best decision we made. She brings the entire family such joy. She is now 6 years old and my dh absolutely loves the dog. He is now worried that she is 6 and we need another dog to learn from her and be around when this one no longer is. And it is me, who is reluctant because I do not think this one will enjoy sharing our attention. But, we will see.....as my dh keeps bringing it up, so I have to be open to it.

Hi OP,

When I was with my ex, I went and just "got a dog". I knew he would just put it off until we were old and grey otherwise. He ended up loving the dog, but it was a point of contention several times in our future. When we split, he tried using the dog as an argument not to break up, but it was always going to be my dog in reality. He also didn't want to buy a house (even though my mum and dad could help us) I ended up doing that anyway as well, and renovating the entire building around him. He wouldn't travel to places we talked about for years - ended up going by myself. My point is, I am glad I did all those things, because we weren't right for each other and I am better off without him (and probably vice versa!). He was always going to kick the can down the road and all my family and friends knew he was unsuitable for me.

Now I am remarried and with kids. I still experience this problem at times, but I have had to reign in my urge to just do things sometimes. My husband is definitely the one who prefers the status quo, and I want to do things, but we usually find a happy medium with some argument. It's not perfect, but a lot better than with my ex.

As a person who would HATE to live without a dog, I totally get it, and it feels somewhat controlling on your husbands part. Of course, you shouldn't go and just get the dog, but I certainly understand your dilemma.

Maybe you and your child could go and walk dogs in a shelter. Maybe once he sees you guys are having a great time with the dogs, he might want to come along, and then of course its only a matter of time before he falls in love with one?! Sometimes you just have to make it seem like their idea ;)

Don’t just get a dog- it needs to be a joint decision. But you could tell him you have worked out all the costs (worming monthly, pet insurance, boarding when away, dog food, spaying etc) and you can cover it all. Then take him to see puppies. What’s his concern? If puppy stage you could adopt a 1 year old who is already trained? If it’s temperament then go for pedigree over rescue etc.

Of course it’s not the dog. It is never the dog.

Or the money or the child care or the dirty dishes or the wet towel etc etc etc.

It is about the person and the relationship dynamics. About power and control in the relationship. About listening and accommodating what your partner really wants and what your DC need. The dog, like every contentious household debate, is a proxy of wider relationship issues.

I wanted a dog before I actually had my own house and children to look after.
It's understandable your DH changing his mind now he realises how big a responsibility it is to look after a child and your own home. A dog is a big responsibility and commitment and if he doesn't feel able to manage that it shouldn't be forced on him.

Woof Woof 🐶

He's allowed to change his mind on such things.

It’s not over a dog, is it? The dog is symptomatic of his attitude - something is agreed and then he unilaterally goes back on it. I’d definitely consider the relationship if I was with someone who did that.

FWIW I get it. Dogs are a non-negotiable part of my life and while I'd happily put off getting one for e.g. the first 5 years of my child's life, I wouldn't be AT ALL happy if my partner had previously agreed to one and changed their mind once the conditions were met.

It does sound like you have a really tricky situation to manage with a DH who wants everything his own way and won't communicate openly. Wishing you the best of luck for better communication going forwards. xxx

They didn’t change though.

Yes, but when one partner wants a dog and the other one doesn’t surely the best response is … not to consider leaving ?

Obviously if there are other issues that need to be worked through then that should be facilitated.

I think you should start researching puppies and then suggest a family trip to view the puppies “JUST to view” and then hope his heart melts at the sight and you come home with one. Start sending him lots of links to available puppies. Just wear him down :)

People change their minds.

That’s OK, but then so can OP change her mind about staying married to him.

”wear him down”
that’s manipulative.

I would say however that puppies are really really hard. Search for “puppy blues” on reddit to get an idea. So be prepared for it to be very difficult in the first year and if he felt forced into it that might cause issues. Getting a well adjusted (not rescue with issues) adult dog might be a good option.

Another poster who’s going straight to nuclear!
slow down- this is destroying a marriage you’re talking about!
breaking up a family with a five year old child! 🤦‍♀️

him being in charge is an issue and you’ve had some great comments on that

I want to throw in dog fostering. We did this for years and it’s a great way to love dogs while still keeping some freedom for your partner (as you can take breaks when on holiday etc). It’s hard for kids and adults as you do get attached but also really fun and rewarding. With a young kid in the house that might limit you on what dogs they will let you have but it’s worth asking

Shutting down and getting upset is a completely unacceptable response to a discussion that was on the cards. What is the matter with him? By shutting down, he won't put forward any proper points. It isn't OK for him to treat you like this.

I wonder if the best long term solution is for you to get a divorce and get a dog. Your DH doesn't sound much of a partner. Just a stampy foot toddler having tantrum in response to a discussion.

@AgileGreenSeal well I was being tongue in cheek wasn’t I. I just mean open him up to the idea of tangible real life dog vs just an abstract idea of a dog that he’s shutting down. Once he starts looking at real dogs and considering breeds and visiting them he might start to feel differently and want one. Dogs and puppies are pretty easy to love.

I think I am going to end up being your husband in our family scenario! My husband has wanted another dog since his dog (bought before we met) died when our two children were aged 3 and 4 respectively. At the time we both worked out of the house, the kids were young and i definitely didn't want to enter another period of dog ownership immediately. I said something along the lines of 'when the girls are coming up to their teens and can help with walks/be around after school for them'. Now 6 years later, I work full time at home, the kids have grown up a bit and the pressure to get a dog is escalating. But fundamentally - I still dont want one. My husband works away, we all know kids don't really do much other than play with pets and I will be the one looking after it most of the time. I also feel like we are coming to a point in life where we have a lot of freedom and less ties and we would be entering into another period of having to think about where we go, for how long and at what time, all over again. So i will look like i've done a U turn, but things change and people change their mind. It sucks, but it would be even worse to get a dog which he then ends up resenting, and in turn, resenting you.

I kind of get it to be honest.

I wanted a dog for years. Then I had kids. And now I have kids and a job and a house to maintain and all the other stuff that comes with it.

you could not pay me to take on a dog now to be honest.