DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

[northernerinlondon]

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

• We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
• Finances aren’t an issue.
• We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
• We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

But he would be responsible for that. He is the one who manipulated and lied to get his own way.

Unbelievable.
a man changes his mind about getting a dog and the response from mumsnet is - “LTB”

OP if you live in London you could also look at borrow my doggy? There might be a dog in the neighbourhood who would love to be dog sat by you during the week and for holidays that will give your daughter the experience of a dog and maybe soften your husband’s stance.

It's not just about a dog...

I’m with DH on this one. Sorry OP. I’m in the same situation as you are, I came with a dog so DH didn’t have a choice in the matter. But now the dog has passed on DH has made it clear he does not want a second. As much as the work landed mainly on me, a dog impacted him also with holiday choice, vets bills, flexibility on family plans etc. It’s a big ask of a non dog person. Am I gutted - yes. But DH opinion (only on this mind 😉) trumps mine.

I have however looked into taking on a guide dog in training. If you are close to a training centre you can look after a dog in training evenings and weekends, or a puppy full time until they are ready for training. It could be an option for part time dog company.

But he's not actually saying that's why, and nobody is forcing anything on him. He's not communicating what his logic is, perhaps because if he did then there would be room for problem solving and negotiation (dog walkers/sitters, fostering dogs, etc). And the problem is that this is a pattern for him.

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this but if I was in the OP's shoes and I'd made it clear at the outset how important having a dog is to me and he seemed to have heard and understood this and seemed in full agreement to getting one at a set point in the future, only to change his mind once that rolled around, I'd be questioning if I wanted to continue my relationship with him. It really would mean that much to me. It would be the same type of blow to me as if somebody had said they wanted children and then changed their mind. Of course everybody is entitled to change their minds, but if the foundation of a relationship was built on key agreements, it isn't unreasonable to question if you want to take that relationship forwards if one person changes what was agreed.

Our dog honestly wore us down at the start (he was a bitey pup and an escape artist!). Had one of us not wanted him in the first place I can’t even imagine the arguments!!!

“manipulated and lied” ?

from the information available all we can say with certainty is that he originally said “yes” and now, five years plus later is saying “no”. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why are you resolutely ignoring the whole context?

“I'd be questioning if I wanted to continue my relationship with him. It really would mean that much to me. It would be the same type of blow to me as if somebody had said they wanted children and then changed their mind. ”

I know people love dogs but this is frankly ridiculous.

People change their minds about all sorts of things. Your husband does not appear to want a dog. You need to decide whether a dog is worth risking your marriage for. But is it? Plenty of us have happy fulfilling lives without dogs.

I live alone and spent ages trying to decide whether to get another dog or not, and then I just....did. There's no one to tell me not to and as it's me who looks after them I just went for it! I also met my best friend buying that dog so it was a great move for me! (Just sayin.....)

I have a 9 year old daughter....we show the dogs, so I'm not being flippant, getting another fit into our lifestyles.....Tibetan Spaniels are a great little breed...very similar to Cavalier King Charles Spaniels but without the health issues. I have 3 now, and I love them so much....they are amazing! My daughter is the "owner" of our youngest, she walks her, grooms her, plays with her, puppy sleeps in a crate in her room and when she was younger we took her to puppy school and my DD was in charge of her training...I can't imagine a house with no dogs....they're awesome!!

(Remember that there's a Discover Dogs event run every year which is the best place to go to find out more about breeds and speak to people who own them already.....and I can't stress this enough - buy from health tested parents!!)

Sorry, I’m also on the side of nuclear.

polite nuclear though. The kind of nuclear which is really just saying - I’m onto you.

This isn’t about a dog. It’s about the fact that you seem to have married a manipulator, a future-faker. How unsurprising that it was ‘after you had DD’ that he then told you you couldn’t move from London because of his job…

The dog is just another example of the problem - he knows the kind of life he wants, and he sees no problem with literally lying to you to keep you on board then backtracking.

Don’t suggest counselling - tell him it’s non-negotiable if you want to stay together. And tell him, very bluntly, that this isn’t going to be how it works. If he’s going to be this ‘inflexible’ - he’ll end up divorced, simple as. Because long term it won’t work. Definitely no discussion at all on another child until the counselling has happened.

You could easily start with the dog example. So, he originally agreed, now the deadline is here the goalposts have shifted. So two things to say - firstly he now needs to tell you what his thought process is, because from where you are sitting, if he was being honest about agreeing to a dog and now the circumstances allow one, it looks very much as if he just lied and said what you wanted to hear at the time - is that the case? This needs to be gone though in counselling, whether or not he likes the idea.

Secondly - goalposts. It’s time to start telling him that he does not own the posts and he does not get to move them on his own. Again - unless he wants to BE alone.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to change your mind about something, but it is unreasonable to refuse to discuss it especially if you originally agreed to it. I would push for couples counselling and leave the dog issue for now.

FWIW I am more like the DH in this scenario, DP had a dog when we met and moved in together, and never had a time in his life without a dog. I’d never had one, but like them and helped with his dog including frequent poo incidents as he got older. When the dog died neither of us wanted another straightaway, it’s been a few years now and I still don’t want one. I’ve had some difficult years with the DC and the thought of more responsibility is just not attractive. DP accepts this, but I’d probably agree if he really, really wanted one.

He seems to have made a unilateral decision not to get one, and the OP might feel like getting a divorce herself!

This is a very difficult predicament all round.

Having said thus, OP, I would advice waiting till your DD is more like 11. The dog will see her as higher in the pecking order because of her greater height, she will be able to understand better how to treat it; she will be able to share tge care more.

DH might compromise with this.

I know too many families where this has happened, they have bought a dog anyway and then within 6 months in just over half the cases the dog is being rehomed because it didnt work out. dont be that person. go back to dh and calmly discuss his concerns. could you dog sit for a friend for a week so he can see its manageable?

If he doesn’t want a dog then he doesn’t want one. It doesn’t matter that he agreed in the past. He’s allowed to change his mind about getting a living 17 year ish commitment which was have implications on every aspect of his life.

so you’ve got a choice. No dog, or leave him and get a dog.

"Yes of course you would be being unreasonable. Read the top trending thread today - To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us.
You need to kindly get to the bottom of what's changed his mind. Possibly it's to do with parenting turning out to be harder and more responsibility than he anticipated. But you can't make a unilateral decision to get a pet."

This.

Everyone needs to be on board. A few years ago DD2 and are were keen; DD1 and DH didn’t so we didn’t get one ; thankfully; I do not want to be tide up to travel, do outings, work, etc. we have enough as it is

Before having a child vs. After having a child? He can withdraw consent at any time.

I agree with the posters saying that this is a bigger issue. Not only is he going back on decisions you made together, but he's refusing to discuss it properly, he's basically saying 'because I said so' and I wouldn't stand for that.

Well, the OP said her stance was non-negotiable, so I guess he's the same.

These things should of course be negotiable on both sides, and people should also be allowed to change their minds over time. It's not realistic to say - you agreed to do anything in order to marry me and now I call that clause into effect and you have to honour it. This isn't like agreeing that you both want kids. They've got a kid and that could well have been a factor in him being even less keen on having a dog in the house/in his life. I find it hard to believe that the OP wouldn't have married him if he'd declined the dog clause from the outset, but also he might well have been more open to it then and changed his mind now. I've had moments where I've been more open to pet ownership, but have come to my senses and shut it down because it's just not my thing and I'd hate sharing my house with an animal. If the DH is like this, then it'll never for the OP, which is sad for her, but isn't something to end a marriage/break up a family over. My DH would've loved a cat, but it's never going to happen and he's okay with that. It's not as basic as 'because I said so' but it might as well be and that's enough. He doesn't want a dog in his home and the OP/DC don't need one to be happy. If there's bigger issues, OP should deal with them, but that's a different matter.

I don't think she'd be leaving over a dog.

She'd be leaving over his behaviour. When a discussion is needed, he shuts down and gets upset. OP needs a life partner. Not someone who stamps his feet and manipulates in place of having a civil conversation.

Its far too simplistic to say that he has moved the goalposts. He ‘agreed’ to something you said was ‘non-negotiable’ before DD was conceived ie, in a completely different world! He probably didnt think too much about it at the time. Now you have a child and he may be reflecting on how much having a child affects your life and freedoms and now thinks having a dog would add to that. Perfectly reasonable.

I also think the refusal to discuss it is the biggest issue here, although are there any reasons he could give that would be acceptable to you, or is the choice in your mind between getting a dog and leaving your marriage? Could you not get a dog and be ok or is this a dealbreaker? Would not getting a dog kill your marriage anyway due to festering resentment?

I have a dog and she is by far the hardest part of my life (even with a 2yo and another on the way) and although DH would like another when she pops her clogs I have firmly said not anytime soon. I would love cats, but DH is allergic. He is open to getting a cat and managing that allergy, if I remain open to getting another dog again sometime in the future. Who knows what we'll end up with but it's an ongoing conversation where no one is shutting anyone down, and I think that makes a difference.