Page 3 | DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

godmum56 · 09/09/2024 12:28

northernerinlondon · 09/09/2024 11:55

Sorry, my "shall I just...get one" comment was flippant. I’d never actually do that—I was just frustrated by the lack of willingness to discuss it.

@Foxblue Good point. I think that’s why I’m so frustrated—he can’t give any clear reasons, just says it would be "too much" and impact our lifestyle.

I’m flexible on breed as long as it’s suitable for city living and doesn’t need more than an hour of exercise. I grew up with dogs and have committed to handling the training.

This might be part of a bigger issue. I’ve suggested couples counseling to improve communication, but he shuts that down too. We’re only in our mid-late 30s, and I don’t want us to stagnate.

thsi is not about the dog. The dog might be the last straw but you have bigger issues which i think you know. If he won't consider discussion or counselling (and NOT just about the dog) then I think you know where this is going.

Original poster

northernerinlondon · 09/09/2024 12:29

@loropianalover Thank you. Your comment actually made me cry.

Likewise, @Bluenotgreen

@Saintmariesleuth Honestly, the where-we-live issue is no longer a concern. Through lots of effort to integrate myself/pick up hobbies/make friends, I’ve come to really love our local area. I made the choice to put that effort in 5 years ago, when we had our child and he made it clear we couldn't leave London because of his job.

I agree that there’s obviously a lot more beneath this issue than just the family pet, so I’ll put the dog idea aside for now and suggest we try couples therapy again.

OP posts:

Zebedee999 · 09/09/2024 12:33

Have you heard of the Cinnamon Trust and similar (they allow you to walk dogs on behalf of old or disabled people etc). It might at least give your daughter access to dogs for a while.

PinkPombear1 · 09/09/2024 12:34

Why don't you suggest visiting a rescue centre as a family as a step towards getting a dog?

I think YANBU but I'd be weary of just coming home with a dog even if your husband is being unreasonable. Personally I'd just get a dog as there's no barriers for your household, but then again I don't know your husband and how he'd react.

gamerchick · 09/09/2024 12:35

I think you can't just get one. Everyone has to be on board.

But you can decide on whether it's a deal breaker or not.

juliaxxl80 · 09/09/2024 12:35

"would I be unreasonable to just...get one? " Well, start slowly, every single day check puppies ( preferably of the breed you want), comment, "Look , how cute this one is! " and sigh... In a week or two , he will buy you that puppy. This trick worked for my friend and her husband adores the dog now!

MagneticSquirrel · 09/09/2024 12:36

TBH it sounds like he never wanted to get a dog, and although he might have seemed to have agreed your DH was hoping after all these years (I guess you’ve been married at least 5 years) and a small child you would be too busy / tired and go off the idea.

If there are other big life affecting decisions you are not being consulted on or listened to, like moving house you need to decide if overall this is the life you want for you and your child.

Just4thisthreadtoday · 09/09/2024 12:37

"@northernerinlondon

I agree with the posters saying that this is a bigger issue. Not only is he going back on decisions you made together, but he's refusing to discuss it properly, he's basically saying 'because I said so' and I wouldn't stand for that.

id either leave him if he continues in this way or just ignore him. Difficult with where you live though.

but with a dog I'd say he needs to give me GOOD reasons why not, or I'll be going ahead & he can choose to have some input or not.

Yes, it's preferable to have both adults agree on getting a dog, but unless the other person has good reasons why not. After agreeing to, then 'tough' & id be happy to take on full responsibility never asking them to feed/walk/clean up. I'd organise pet sitters/grooming/vets etc.

yes, it'll still impact them. But 🤷🏻‍♀️ 'because I said so' is not a good enough answer to going back on your agreement

ToastCrumbsInMyBed · 09/09/2024 12:40

It sounds like he thinks you're trapped now so he gets to make all the decisions. He's betting that you won't leave if he insists on living in the city or refuses to get a dog.

Does he veto your other suggestions too, like where to go on holidays or how money is spent?

leftorrightnow · 09/09/2024 12:41

Getting a dog is a big thing! although your life situation sounds like it ticks a lof of the boxes for dog-ownership, there are other factors to consider:

who will look after the dog when you go on holiday? or do you never go abroad? this is a biggie. Some of my friends with dogs rarely get to go away because they can't find anyone to dogsit!

who will be responsible for walking it and training it if it is a bigger dog that needs some training?

Octopies · 09/09/2024 12:42

I can see why you're annoyed and it must be frustrating for you daughter as well if she likes dogs and has been told she can have one and now he's saying no. I wouldn't get one whilst your husband is being so uncommunicative as it'll be hard to settle and train the dog if he's not on board.

I'd be tempted to move to the country and get a dog!

I love dogs, but found it really difficult to adjust when DH brought home his Mum's dog after she passed away. A high energy breed which shed lots of fur and barked a lot. I ended up loving her of course, but the early days were challenging and was a big adjustment on my lifestyle. There were moments where I secretly resented DH a little.

ReadingWorm · 09/09/2024 12:43

Kick him out and get a dog. I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t love dogs 🐶

leftorrightnow · 09/09/2024 12:43

Just4thisthreadtoday · 09/09/2024 12:37

"@northernerinlondon

I agree with the posters saying that this is a bigger issue. Not only is he going back on decisions you made together, but he's refusing to discuss it properly, he's basically saying 'because I said so' and I wouldn't stand for that.

id either leave him if he continues in this way or just ignore him. Difficult with where you live though.

but with a dog I'd say he needs to give me GOOD reasons why not, or I'll be going ahead & he can choose to have some input or not.

Yes, it's preferable to have both adults agree on getting a dog, but unless the other person has good reasons why not. After agreeing to, then 'tough' & id be happy to take on full responsibility never asking them to feed/walk/clean up. I'd organise pet sitters/grooming/vets etc.

yes, it'll still impact them. But 🤷🏻‍♀️ 'because I said so' is not a good enough answer to going back on your agreement

have you tried having a very calm and non-threatening conversation with him? could it be he is having difficulties opening up about why he won't get a dog? and now I know lots of people will come on and say come on he needs to get over himself etc etc and as usual suspect that the DH is an abusive a-hole, I am not ruling this out as I don't know all the details, but don't think it is helpful to OP that some of you are jumping to conclusions like that.

AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 09/09/2024 12:44

I cannot emphasise enough how much I love cats. I am obsessed.

My DH said for years he didn't want a cat and I respected that because I believe it is cruel to bring a pet into a home where one person doesn't want them.

Having a pet is a team effort. There will be times where the other reason needs to do the practical care, even if one person typically does it all.

Finances come into play in regards to vet care, food, insurance etc.

I really feel for you, but unfortunately if he doesn't want a dog right now then I don't think you should get one.

People change their minds though... we now have three cats!
My husband finally said I could get one and then at the rescue decided he couldn't separate two brothers 😁😁😁

And then obviously we needed to get our cats a kitten lol

ButterAsADip · 09/09/2024 12:45

YABU, it’s like having a baby, you should both be on board. Also making decisions about getting a dog so far in advance before you have even had a baby/child is crazy - you have no idea how parenthood is going to go, things change.

We were gonna have 2 kids, then a dog, then 2 more kids. We have 3 kids and no animals - I actually actively dislike dogs now, and DH is mildly allergic to cats but more so just doesn’t want a cat. So I’m not gonna get one, even though I want one.

GreenTeaLikesMe · 09/09/2024 12:45

Well... your husband was a bit U to say yes to a dog and then change his mind. Bait-and-switch, you might say.

But...you have to meet this situation where it is. No, you can't just "get" a dog; it's a bad idea to bring a dog into the house if one person really does not want it there. You can say "Morally and ethically this is my right, because DH agreed to it when I stated that this was one of my conditions of marriage," but that does not actually get rid of the essential problem that the dog will be in a place where it's not 100% welcome and it may put strain on your marriage.

I mean, I love cats, but if my DH really didn't want one, I'd suck it up and get my cat fix elsewhere.

Can you do petsitting, take a friend's dog on days out, Cinnamon Trust, things like that? A compromise? It doesn't sound like he hates dogs or has a phobia/allergy, just does not want a fulltime dog commitment?

Lemonadeand · 09/09/2024 12:47

I do think people are allowed to change their minds on things within a marriage to some extent. It’s not like every hope and dream you discuss when you’re engaged is legally binding.

Edingril · 09/09/2024 12:47

ReadingWorm · 09/09/2024 12:43

Kick him out and get a dog. I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t love dogs 🐶

That is such a mature response

Ethylred · 09/09/2024 12:48

``Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.''

This is weird. You put your foot down before you'd even gone on a date?

ThrillhouseVanHouten · 09/09/2024 12:48

Having a dog (or multiple dogs) is important to me. I had this discussion early on with my partner. He admitted to being afraid of dogs but understood that they came as part of the package—particularly weird rescue dogs. We have two at the moment, but we both agree that is plenty.

I compromised by getting the least scary ones I could find...

Sandwichgen · 09/09/2024 12:49

I suspect that having a dog would be more rewarding than having him as husband/father

he sounds as if he’s checking out, but by bit

Terracata · 09/09/2024 12:49

GreenTeaLikesMe · 09/09/2024 12:45

Well... your husband was a bit U to say yes to a dog and then change his mind. Bait-and-switch, you might say.

But...you have to meet this situation where it is. No, you can't just "get" a dog; it's a bad idea to bring a dog into the house if one person really does not want it there. You can say "Morally and ethically this is my right, because DH agreed to it when I stated that this was one of my conditions of marriage," but that does not actually get rid of the essential problem that the dog will be in a place where it's not 100% welcome and it may put strain on your marriage.

I mean, I love cats, but if my DH really didn't want one, I'd suck it up and get my cat fix elsewhere.

Can you do petsitting, take a friend's dog on days out, Cinnamon Trust, things like that? A compromise? It doesn't sound like he hates dogs or has a phobia/allergy, just does not want a fulltime dog commitment?

I don't think he's BU. I always wanted a dog. Then I had a child and decided I wouldn't get one until they're much, much older, if at all. People are allowed to change their minds.

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 12:49

Don’t get a dog.
Your husband has the right to change his mind and say no.
(As do you).

HesterRoon · 09/09/2024 12:50

I love dogs and always thought I’d always have one. But when my last dog died, instead of thinking about the next dog, I found it quite liberating.No more consideration of the dog, no hassle for holidays, the walking at 5.30 am, co stand attention. I just wouldn’t have my own now because I’ve changed my mind. Thankfully, my dh is not bothered and isn’t hassling me about getting one. If he did on the basis of my saying I’d always have a dog, I’d think he was being unreasonable. Your dh is being unreasonable not to tell you why but he’s not for changing his mind.

DrBlackbird · 09/09/2024 12:51

@northernerinlondon I was going to say in our similar case, DH was also reluctant (to put it mildly) but I said our DC need a dog full stop ie it wasn’t about his needs. So I disagree that everyone has to be onboard with the decision. I grew up with dogs, he hadn’t. He couldn’t really envision life with a dog.

Nevertheless, it took about a nano second for him to absolutely love the dogs (multiple) to bits and wouldn’t do without them now! However, it perhaps sounds like your situation is a bit different given wider decision making decisions.