DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

[northernerinlondon]

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

• We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
• Finances aren’t an issue.
• We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
• We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

I was reading your responses and was going to suggest a show cocker as a smaller alternative to a Golden Retriever but see I've been beaten to it. Yes, one hour walking a day is plenty (the key is in the show part, hunting lines can have a lot more energy!). A Cavalier could also work, but they require a lot of due diligence (check parents' health testing, read up on the requirements) to avoid common health issues.

@AgileGreenSeal what on earth are you talking about?

DH and I have been together over 20 years. DH is a dog person. I’m not. I’m very allergic to them, plus some anxiety and sensory issues following neighbours leaving theirs to bark all hours etc and generally not confident around them.

When we met, DH had mused that it may be nice to have a dog someday. I was open early on about my allergies and general feelings on dogs. We also discussed that, if possible, we’d like to have two kids, and we definitely agreed on that one.

We’ve got 2 kids, and over the years we’ve usually had one or two cats at a time (always rescue and if a pair, already bonded from same litter). Eldest has occasionally commented about wanting a dog but realises this isn’t a simple decision and is a huge responsibility, and accepts that it’s not going to happen, but when he’s an adult living in his own place, he can make that decision for himself.

DH has fallen more on the side of not wanting a dog now, and I’m very much in the no camp, and we’re fine with that. From my perspective, I would be the one lumbered with most walks, all the vet stuff etc. I’ve already dealt with two kids’ worth of nappies (DH was only income for a while when they were very young and worked very long hours), I’m not now dealing with dog shit and toilet training anyone or anything else!

The points being that 1) circumstances change and parenting has been so much harder than either of us could have predicted, even if we did say we wanted a dog before having the kids, I know I’d definitely have changed my mind now (and I know DH would agree after we cooed over a very cute puppy recently but both looked at each other after and said “ABSOLUTELY NOT!”, and 2) this is something we’d openly discuss anyway. None of this changing minds without adequate communication, or going behind the other’s back because we didn’t respect like the other person’s decision.

In every relationship there needs to be compromise, I didn't want a dog as far too busy, but partner and kids all wanted one, so I was out voted. My partner does majority of the walking, but I have grown to love the dog over the years and wouldn't be without her now. Not advocating for everyone, but not sure one personal in a family should be able to veto for everyone else, sometime you just have to come to a compromise.

@jbm16 and that’s fine it’s worked out for you, I would hate to have to share my space with an animal I didn’t want regardless of if all of the care was done by someone else

So if the rest of your family wanted a pet, you would put your feelings before everyone elses?

I completely agree. I could not live with a dog under any circumstances.

On this matter, I absolutely would.

I would expect my family to respect my feelings. No one needs a dog.

Thankfully, my family (including my husband who is a dog lover) don't believe having a dog is more important than me being comfortable in my own home.

Dogs are smelly, demanding, expensive (and going by the post about the woman's mother with the humping, itchy-arsed dog), have some pretty disgusting habits that I just don't want in my home.

It's just not something you can compromise on.

It's still a dog though.

@TheNormalRules Omg we get it, fgs. It's the same post on repeat mate.

Also Dogs are smelly, demanding, expensive (and going by the post about the woman's mother with the humping, itchy-arsed dog), have some pretty disgusting habits so are teenagers, but lots of people have those at home.

Thankfully, my teenager is nothing like that and neither are any of her friends. Perhaps yours has spent too much time with your dogs.

Dogs are none of those things, must say you have one very lucky family!

I'm not sure it's luck, but I am very happy sharing my life with my family and they seem to like me too. ❤️

lol i love dogs but yea they do all smell, more or less, they are expensive if you immunize them
and treat them if and when they get ill and feed them properly, and they are demanding if you treat them properly! They need walks and training and attention. And yeah they do have disgusting habits and anyone who’s seen their dog roll around in a bird carcass on the beach knows that lol!
still would get one in a heartbeat if we were allowed where we live, but only and only if the whole family was on board! Dogs are a luxury not a necessity

if she really wants a golden retriever take a look at golden miniature dachshunds, they look just like a mini gr!

Oh I don't have children, they're messy and expensive and a commitment. I wouldn't have one in the house. Fortunately DH respects that and would never make me uncomfortable in my own home. I expect my family to respect my feelings - nobody needs a child.

You aren’t in all seriousness comparing a human child to a dog, are you? Do we buy kids? Put them down if they’re incurably ill? Leave them with family members when we go on holiday? Walk them on a leash?
come on lol

Errr no, I'm not. I'm using PP's argument against her to highlight different strokes for different folks, basically. I think you're missing the point.

As an aside, I'm very much in favour of assisted dying for humans. Why do we force children to suffer when we wouldn't put a dog through that?

It’s not different strokes though. Having a child is not the same as having a dog, period, and the comparison is misleading.

Your argument isn't really working against mine is it? It doesn't in any way negate what I have said.

If, as you claim, you wouldn't have a child in your house, the solution is simple. Don't.

We are both responding to the same OP whose husband has changed his mind about having a dog. I am making a case for why he shouldn't have to live with a dog if he doesn't want to.

What is your point?

@TheNormalRules hyperbole, to show you how ridiculous your posts sound to me. Of course I'd allow a child in the house. I might not want my own, but i don't need to criticise others for having them. As you are with dog owners.

I think he’s being unreasonable. You said from the beginning that a dog was a non-negotiable - he told you it would happen when your child was 5 and now is shutting it down without a real discussion! I think he’s being totally unreasonable. Unfortunately you can’t really just get one without his consent but I think he needs to know that is totally not on.

fwiw I told my husband on our first date that I definitely wanted a dog, and he agreed. He waited until we were married to tell me he didn’t want one. I said it was too late, he’d made his promise. We have a dog and he loves it more than I do - and I love it A LOT.

OP, have you heard of Cocker Rage? I know a few people who've got cocker spaniels in the last few years and had awful problems with aggression, either towards them, other humans or dogs.

Not a breed I would go for, especially with a small child.

Also, as numerous posters have said, spaniels are definitely not low energy dogs!

The people you know are likely not training or stimulating their dogs well enough, have seen something online and are using it as an excuse. My working cocker is a complete sweetie, as are most cockers, and she's very gentle with my nephew.

The persistent myth of 'Cocker rage' - Dogs Today Magazine

Nicki Glencross, Trustee of UK charity Spaniel Aid, says, “What was once referred to as ‘cocker rage’ – a term we never use – is a neurological, seizure-like issue which causes an aggressive burst followed by a trance-like state. It is extremely rare and far from exclusive to spaniels.

You'd think- but actually they're all experienced spaniel owners who take their dogs to gun dog training etc! The dogs are very sweet, some of the time- but reactive and unpredictable in some circumstances. I know of 3 like this 🤷