DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

[northernerinlondon]

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

• We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
• Finances aren’t an issue.
• We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
• We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

Most dogs need more than an hour of exercise don't they? Mine have always needed at least 2 x 40 min walks a day and mental stimulation.

What year is your dd in? Maybe he feels she needs to be properly settled into school first if she's just gone into reception, or just a bit older to help take some responsibility for the dog.

I can understand how he might feel. You've just got through the preschooler years, it's tiring and you have a glimpse of things settling and suddenly you want to introduce something that will wee over everything for weeks, smell the house out, fur on everything and you have a whole thing to sort out and pay for when you go away for more than 4 hours.

Sounds like you have much bigger issues OP, and figuring out your relationship needs to be the priority. If you’re not happy in your relationship, a dog won’t mask that.

I am a dog person, my home feels empty without a dog...currently have two!

No, do not just go and get one. You need to try find out exactly what his worries are, why he has changed his mind and see what you can do/say to make him more comfortable with the idea.

They are, especially the first year, very hard work and everyone needs to be fully committed to the idea. Training, toileting (and the many accidents) chewing, biting, barking, walking in the cold, rain and mud. Not being able to be left long, potentially having to work around for trips/holidays etc.

He isn't being nice though, I'd be raging if my partner changed his mind like that after years of discussions and being on board and didn't explain why.

You have my sympathy OP. Your DH needs to improve his communication. This is a family decision, maybe he needs to know its OK not to want a dog and that it means the discussion would end, perhaps then he'd feel able to communicate more freely? But I feel for you, having our dogs made our home complete. We're currently two years into a very prolonged end of life decline with one nearly 16 years old, and it's so hard, but I wouldn't not have had her. That said, knowing the decline can be this hard and prolonged, we won't get another dog even though we're both crazy about them, home all the time, and happy for our lives to revolve around their needs.

I mean - it's a big decision ( just lost my dog two weeks go - he was 17) and i lost my other dog the year before, she was 16. It needs to be a family decision - who will walk the dog, who will look after the dog on holiday, do you have money monthly for insurance, food, emergencies etc? If he has said yes - then i think you need to speak to him and see why he is moving the goalposts?

The family dog is usually eventually one person doing all the work. If YOU are prepared to put in the hours and hours over years and years of walkies then get one. Dogs are wonderful and rewarding. But I think here that dh is saying hes not prepared to put in that work.
Fair enough because its not fair on the dog . But if YOU will be happy always doing it WITHOUT MOANING to dh ever then I dont see why not. Maybe get a small non shedding dog like a bichon. Less work. Getting from a rescue centre like Many Tears is extra bonus points too. Good luck

Dogs are like DC, if one of you doesn't want one, you don't have one. Your 5 year old doesn't get a vote. It's not really one of those things you can keep pushing until he gives in.

He needs to be reasonable and discuss his concerns properly. Especially as getting a dog was a non negotiable that he agreed to.

Only you will know the answer to this - do you think he is doing this to stamp his authority?

I ask because my DP moved the goalposts on DC getting gerbils. Not the same thing at all as they aren't as much of a commitment as a dog, but he was 100% saying no, with no good reason, just because he felt he could.

So I showed him actually, he couldn't. And 2 gerbils were brought home on DC birthday as originally agreed. And he's now learned that a beligerent "no and i dont need to explain why" isn't good enough when he originally said yes to something.

There's more going on here than the dog issue.

So this isn’t the only important thing he has ruled out after agreeing to it in order to reel you in?

I would remind him you are already giving in re moving out of city, so he can give in re dog.

Longer term I would be wondering if I might not be happier living more rurally with a dog, without DH.

It sounds like the dog issue isn't the most pressing issue here. Perhaps I am interpreting this wrongly, but it doesn't sound like you are on the same page as a couple?

If so, I think you need to put the dog aside and sort out these (in my opinion) much larger issues instead. You've mentioned wanting to both live in different locations. How has the discussion gone around this so far?

"Most dogs need more than an hour of exercise don't they? "

None of my dogs have needed more than 1 40 min walk in the mornings. If you get a high energy breed than absolutely, but I wouldn't get a high energy breed because I can't do more walks than that.

You will make your husband miserable, don’t do it.

Our eldest worried from the age of 4 for a dog. I don’t like them. At 21 and after our last guinea pig died we got a dog. I thought the walks would be beneficial for my health. But my health has declined anyway, multiple medical issues and she is too strong for me to walk.

I don’t like the tie.
I don’t like that all 5 of us can not holiday together because someone has to be home for the dog. Daughter would not contemplate kennels and I agree with her on that.
I don’t like the stink, and the hair shedding and yes she goes to a groomer regularly. The many allergies and extortionate vet bills. We were unlucky she has chronic pancreatitis. Due to dog health her food is expensive.

We got lucky in that she slept downstairs from day one without whining. She is not a barky dog. She was easy to toilet train. She has the sweetest temperament. We all love her but with a crystal ball I would not had agreed. Should have stuck to guinea pigs.

This. Sorry OP but it's a huge commitment for at least 10-12 years.

Either you need to leave your DH and get a dog on your own or accept that he doesn't want one and it's not going to happen.

Oh no there’s clearly more than just the dog issue.

I think it sounds like he thinks you are a junior employee- that he is the one who is in charge, so he doesn’t need to discuss or justify his choices or ever compromise.

I do think you have to find a way to get through to him that you will leave him if he continues to act like he’s your boss. Marriages are supposed to be give and take. If he refuses to ever compromise or discuss issues like where you live, then ultimately your relationship won’t last anyway.

I think if he has completely gone back on everything he agreed to prior to getting together you would not be unreasonable to telll him that his unwillingness to even talk about it means you are reconsidering the relationship.

You can't just get a dog if he really doesn't want one but I personally have dealbreakers for any relationship and if a dog is one of yours and he has also gone back on agreeing to move then personally I'd call it a day because he is only considering his own wants and needs.

Yours come second or not at all, you don't even get an opinion as he shuts you down every time you voice it. There's no flexibility, there's no compromise, it's just his way or the highway.

I couldn't be with someone like that who lies, breaks promises and then won't even discuss it.

Question is did he ever want a dog or was he just lying to you to keep you from asking? Suggest a low maintenance dog like a Cavapoo (only need an hour or so and are really easy with kids). I would be annoyed if someone lied to me like that and then put their foot down.

Dogs are very tying.
How much do you go away? What would your plan be for that?

They are like children in (some, before anyone jumps on me) ways - in as much as you don’t know what you are getting when they’re a puppy and all the training (parenting if relating to a child) can’t out-train any underlying issues.

I have one that’s not a bit of bother and could go to any home boarder anywhere, they’d love her and she would love them. I have another who was rescued and was traumatised and even the nicest home boarder is too much for her, we tried it once and her fur was all falling out when we got back. And another (toy breed) is so anxious that he yaps and yaps and honestly I could cheerfully sling him out of a window half the time (tongue very in cheek, but seriously he could drive you mad). I can’t leave him with anyone apart from very close family staying in our own home because I worry that someone would lose patience and snap with him. So we are VERY tied in a way we couldn’t have forseen (typical of his breed but he’s also extremely car sick so we can’t take him anywhere with us either). You couldn’t make it up.

They all live in the same home, but they are all so incredibly different and have such different needs.

We love our dogs and we have adapted but honestly, you don’t know what you’re getting and how you’ll feel about the dogs. I truly couldn’t leave mine other than with my very close family member because I would be past myself with worry about them. I definitely did not foresee this before I got dogs, I imagined myself being fine dropping them off at kennels.

A human being has full right not to want an animal in the house.
Full stop.

• We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.

@northernerinlondon - without wanting to sound like the bearer of doom and gloom, one thing to consider (which your DH may have already done) is if - god forbid - anything happens to you health wise, he's the one who's going to be taking care of it.... Nobody can say "life is stable" as none of us know what's around the corner.

Also you both work from home for now. Again, if anything changes on that front (which again, it could at any moment!) then the responsibility for the dog falls on the one person at home. Every single day.

Even if you got his agreement I’d actually wait a bit longer anyway if I were you. We got ddog1 when dd was six and she wasn’t actually that interested, couldn’t do any of the training and didn’t like it when dog jumped up or mouthed her. She’s not that bonded to ddog1 who is obsessed with me. But ddog2 she adores because she can participate in looking after her.

Just to add though, a dog really can’t be a non negotiable.

Some people really don’t want/couldn’t cope with a dog and that’s absolutely understandable.

He shouldn’t have said yes originally, but if he doesn’t want one, he doesn’t want one. They do completely change your life!

(and I say this as someone who loves my dogs to the ends of the earth!)

I'm of the belief that unless everyone in the house is committed to getting a pet, you shouldn't get the pet. This applies especially to dogs, which are very tying, require everyone to be involved in the training process, can be messy and destructive when young.

Your husband has changed his mind - it happens, it's allowed. You either have to live with this, or if you can't, leave him. I don't say that flippantly, I wouldn't stay married to someone who couldn't accept my cats.

He's being unreasonable, but don't just get a dog. Everyone has to be on board.

Just saw this thread after looking at the very distressing thread where a kitten was brought into a home where no one else in the family , apart from the DH who acquired it, wanted the poor wee thing.

That thread shows clearly how you really can't bring a pet into a home unless the whole family is 100% in favour. It's just so cruel on the animal concerned.