Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Also, I'm not buying this "Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?"

She's had 4 years to try to apologise.

It sounds like as soon as she was caught in the act of opening mocking her SiL she didn't apologise there and then. She didn't follow up with a phone call/visit/anything after that either. She shouldn't have mocked her SiL. End. Of. Story.

Good on SiL and your DS for having set a boundary and not backing down from it.

1. stop making excuses for your DD's behaviour. Whether she intended your DIL to hear or not, she did hear and it hurt her feelings. She should apologise

2)being excluded isn't stopping her from apologising. There are many ways to apologise and she hasn't tried hard enough

3)your DD may be heartbroken but she has no right to expect a relationship with those kids if she can't show the parents respect

4)your kids are old enough to sort this out between themselves. Stop getting involved and taking sides. See your DS and his family. If it bothers your DD, tell her to sort herself out and apologise

5. your DS is right to support his wife

Wow! Your poor son and his poor wife. You as a family have treated them awfully and left them on their own at the most important times of their life (wedding, childbirth) because your bratty daughter won’t apologise. I’m not sure why they keep trying with you to be honest! And I’m not sure why you’re not doing everything in your power to try and fix the mess of your relationship with your son- why aren’t you looking to help and support your son in the same way as your unkind daughter? You seem to be doing absolutely nothing to heal your relationship. Baffling post…

Ahh got ya, thank you.

It must have been pretty bad, (and also the behaviour around it at the time) for your daughter in law to be so firm.

Your daughter has had 4 years to apologise!! And still hasn’t.

I know when I had a baby, I felt like I had a new chance at life, it was an amazing feeling and I didn’t want any shit heads around me or my child.

So if your dil felt so strongly, even before the wedding and baby, then I don’t think there is any way back for you all without a major apology, she is not going to want this behaviour around her baby. What if your daughter starts imitating the baby next?

Your son isn’t going to go against his wife because she is right.
Fair play to her.

What do you mean she's not had a chance to apologise?

That’s obviously bollocks. Four years. It’s been four years. Of course she could have done it in four years. However, instead of insisting that she did it at the time, OP seems more focused on justifying it as it occurred in her house (????) and her DD was right to do it, the problem being she was caught out (not that it was wrong).

Actually it is almost worse that it was intended to be behind her back. How nasty! And she sees no reason to apologise?

I'm also proud of your DS for taking his wife's side. My husband's ties with his family are so strong that they could probably run me over with a tractor and get away with it.

I really hope it doesn't and should stay as an example of how some people think they are in the right when they are clearly in the wrong.

She can write a letter, an email, or a text. She can phone. She’s had four years.

So, your adult DD made fun of your DIL and hasn’t apologised. IN FOUR YEARS. Yet, somehow, in your head, this rift is your DIL’s fault? And because you’re ‘siding’ with your DD (who is 100% in the wrong), you’ve never seen your grandkid? You seriously can’t see how wrongheaded and toxic your behaviour is?

Your son is going to go fully NC with you soon and you’ll be wringing your hands and wondering why.

I was rather hoping you'd say your DD was 10, but she was 24! On top of that, she must have felt very comfortable mocking and being nasty if she was doing it in front of you. Almost as if you condoned/agreed with her? Anyone normal would've told their adult daughter to stop it instantly. You say your DD hasn't had the opportunity to apologise. Why can't she write a letter or a card, a very nice long apologetic one? To be honest you and your DD sound extremely childish and pathetic. I can't believe your son has still stayed in contact with you.

I always see 'reverse' on posts but never known what it means, what does it mean ??

It means there is a supsicion the OP is not the person in their story that they claim to be. That they are telling the story as if they are one person (in this case, the MIL) when they are really another (maybe the DIL).

It is often suspected when the story is so obviously unreasonable that rather than the OP genuinely be that blind, it seems more likely they are trying to self-soothe by presenting a story in which everyone sides with them without really knowing they are doing so. e.g. in this case the DIL has written this to generate sympathy for the DIL character.

Not saying that's what's happening here but I agree this is so outrageously unreasonable on the part of the MIL that I can see why people suspect it.

You’ve raised an absolute brat OP

You are choosing your daughter over your son.
You need to be neutral.

Sounds like a massive overreaction from your dil and she (and to a large extent your son) is behaving badly, however you need to to try and maintain a relationship with them whilst continuing to try and ask them to bury the hatchet with your daughter as it’s making you so upset. Your daughter also needs to apologise even if she feels she did nothing wrong, the fact is that what she did really upset your dil.
At the moment though you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face somewhat by refusing to meet your new grandchild. By all means don’t exclude your daughter from family occasions etc but you do need to see your son and grandchild.

You chose your daughter over your son and his family.

Your son did the right thing protecting his wife from his nasty sister. If your daughter was mocked by her sister in law would you really be ok with her husband doing nothing ?

You should see your son and his family without your daughter. She is in this situation because she was immature and mean. She should have apologised immediately and the fact that it was your home so she didn’t expect to be overheard is a terrible excuse.

Are you supporting your daughter over your son and his family because you think that the mocking is justified? Were you mocking your daughter in law too when she wasn’t around ? If I was her then I’d be wondering but at least they haven’t punished you.

It sounds like your daughter is sorry that she can’t see the baby and her brother - not because of her embarrassing actions. Your grandson should not be in contact with an auntie who doesn’t like his mother. Do the right thing and support your son who has behaved like a good husband, not your nasty daughter.

Were you laughing along with your dd or did you pull her up on her meanness?

My 5 year old knows she should apologise if she is unkind to someone. This is not
beyond a 24 year old.

Was DD doing this pretending in front of you? Why didn’t you say at the time that you won’t having people being rude about others in your house. Sounds like you at least condoned it. I’m surprised DS invited you to the wedding.

Well sounds like you made a choice . Your dd was being mean doesn't matter if she wasn't meant to see or hear it. And in 4 years she could have wrote a letter or email or somthing to apologise.
Also if you didn't say oh that's not very nice or somthing similar when it was happening. Then your dil will know you all agreed with it . So in her world she has in laws who make fun of her.
Why should she make an effort with you? Especially if never had an apology.
All seems very silly when a grandchild is involved

I expect she and her husband were laughing along.

This is is terrible. Presumably if your daughter was mocking by impersonation then no doubt you were laughing at her. What an awful situation to walk into. I can't believe you didn't go to your son's wedding. I can't believe you are taking your daughter's side when she was clearly in the wrong. She had plenty of time to apologise before your son moved out. Your daughter is not the victim here. There has never been anything stopping her going out of her way to apologise and put things right. She's had four years to at least try. Your son and daughter in law are the ones in the right and you are missing out because you blindly back your daughter. You need to give your head a wobble.After the way you have behaved you're lucky they haven't blocked you.

Was your daughter copying the DIL's accent?

Your description of the incident is very short on details.

Wow you and your DD sound even worse with your update

It’s not her fault that she overheard!! Are you even listening to yourself

I am usually against the MIL is awful threads on here but on this one I am definitely agreeing with your son and his wife

So you DD, who wasn't a child, was horrible about your DIL but because the DIL wasn't meant to hear that somehow makes her nastiness okay?

You have then spent the next 4 years making excuses for your precious DD, who can apparently do not wrong, to the extent that you missed your poor DS's wedding and haven't even met his child? Truly unbelievable behaviour. No wonder they wish to exclude all of you.

If you truly want a relationship with your DS and grandchild, you would be asking your DD to apologise sincerely and show that she has changed. You would be making amends to DS/ DIL over a long period of time to show that you realise that you were totally wrong. You aren't going to do that though, because your priority is still defending your DD.

Yes it’s her fault - she offended someone so should apologise. Whether it was intentional or not. Your DIL is probably thinking you all think she’s a joke so I don’t blame her for keeping her distance.

You have ruined your relationship with your son out of misguided loyalty to your daughter.

I think your DD wont apologise because she knows how bad she's been. She clearly doesn't take responsibility and you are enabling that OP.
Both you and DD should stop playing the victim tbh