Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

yes this.

OP, your DD has behaved badly.

You, on the other hand, have behaved appallingly.

4 years and your DD hasn't apologised?
Is you making excuses for your DD a repeating pattern and maybe your DS just had enough now ?

Honestly I wouldn't let this affect my relationship with my grandchild ! You can still see them but choose not to until they forgive your daughter for something she hasn't even apologised for.

Just because she meant to do it behind her back and got caught doesn't mean she doesn't need to apologise.

However I don't think I would hold a grudge as long as you DIL but she's not really in the wrong for not wanting to spend time with someone who mocks her behind her back.

Wow. No words. Why didn't you parent your DD while she was a child so she wouldn't be vile as an adult?
Thankfully your DS has put his wife first.
If you want this resolved you should talk to DD and encourage her to apologise because if she really wanted to she would find a way.

From your update it sounds like your DD (and yourself) are not seeing that it was unkind nd and not fully understanding why your DIL and son view it is a nasty

Your DD has made no effort to apologise. She should be going to them. Not waiting for an invite. You are supporting your DD in her non-actions

I'd be going to see my son and apologising to my DIL for the upset but not apologising gor DD - that is for her to deal with

I'd tell DD, I'm not missing out on my son and GC because of her unkindness, lack of awareness/lack of empathy and lack of accountability. And she needs to put some effort into sorting out her relationship with DIL and DS if she wants contact.

But tbh - if you think it is mimicking someone in a unkind manner and it's ok to do that behind their backs, your DiL is making a wise decision to exclude.

Wow. When you said your daughter "didn't take to her" and was "mocking her" I was expecting her to be about 14 and being a stroppy unreasonable teenager. In light of learning she was 24(!), and a fully grown adult, her behaviour was absolutely outrageous. The onus is on your daughter to reach out to her SIL and apologise and try to build some bridges, and the fact she hasn't bothered in 4 years is disgraceful. As is your excusing her behaviour. If I was your DIL I'd feel exactly the same. Good for your son for standing up for his wife.

You're not coming across well here. You should have stayed out of it if, and your DD should have apologised. Imagine asking your DS to put this right!! Jeez, they've probably done the right thing going NC here.

Op, it really doesn't matter if your DD meant to cause harm or not. If you don't mean to hurt someone it doesn't mean the pain you caused isn't still impactful to that person or that you can just wash your hands of any accountability. Your Dd is an adult. She should take responsibility for her actions and its up to her (not your DS) to make things right. She could write to her SIL, phone and give a sincere apology at any point. Instead she has played victim and you've enabled it to the point where you've chosen her over your son and your grandchild.

Ultimately there's no reason for you to be involved in this the way you are. You've chosen to get stuck right in the middle of this and have probably made the situation much bigger than it needed to be as a result. Its completely up to them who they decide to spend time with and have at their home. Equally the same applies to you and your home. You should not be insisting that you can't possibly visit them unless DD is accompanying you. That's ridiculous. You should be pushing DD to apologise and going ahead to see your GC and your son. And equally you can say that you won't be barring DD from your home and if they want to visit they're welcome but will be expected to be civil to everyone.

You've made it extremely clear to your son and dil that your dd matters much, much more to you than them and I think you also owe them a sincere apology for the hurt this is bound to have caused them. Imagine having a new baby and your mum refusing to bother with that baby because she's siding with your immature sibling who can't just apologise for insulting someone you care about. I feel so sorry for your son and dil. I think I'd really struggle to forgive you. The title of your thread is utterly insane that you're blaming DIL for simply holding a boundary and wanting someone who insulted and hurt her to apologise. She doesn't want to ruin your relationship with your dd, she just wants your dd to be respectful towards her. If your DD was being nasty you should have pulled her up on it at the same so my guess is that your family think very little of DIL and no wonder she's cut you all off.

Btw your thread title is awful.

You are in this situation because of your daughter and your choice to support her over your son.

You keep on defending her actions- how often do you and your daughter mock people in your home? That sounds like a nasty household that your son is right to protect his son and wife from.

Surely nobody could be this stupid?
I think it's one of 'those' threads.

Edited: in response to OP's second post as quote feature failed:

@worldlyweather: Nowhere, though, have you stated 'exclusion from her own family' is the situation here. As far as you have written, your DS and DiL are neither trying to dictate your relationship with your DD nor issuing the ultimatum that it's them or her, and if you have a relationship with her then you'll be cut off, too.

They are merely establishing the boundary that they don't want to see or have a relationship with her. Nothing here suggests you're being prevented from inclusion in both your children's lives. You can see either your DD or DS without the other present.

If you want a continued relationship with your DS and DGC, then you have to accept their terms. Your DS and DiL are entitled to have boundaries. I'm not sure I'd cut off an in-law for a one-off perceived slight but I don't know the context. It could be a facet of a much larger pattern of behaviour to which you're not privy, or DD might have cruelly touched upon one of your DiL's more sentitive spots. But it's your DiL's boundary, not mine. Your DD's behaviour may seem like trivial mockery to you but evidently it doesn't to your DiL or DS.

You are framing this situation as DD being excluded from her family wholesale, and that the blame is solely with your DiL for attempting to 'ruin' your relationship with your daughter. Yet this isn't what you've written above. It smacks to me very much of manipulation. Be careful, as well as introspective, as to how you handle this in future or it may very well end up in the estrangement you dread.

I'm sure this isn't what you want.

I would be disgusted in my daughters behaviour that she actually felt it appropriate to openly mock someone. You reap what you sow.

Putting myself in your DIL's shoes; if I heard my grown adult SIL mocking me in private in front of her parents, I'd assume that all of you shared the opinion. No one just randomly starts mocking someone unless they already know the people they're talking to are of a similar opinion. So that your DIL is giving you the time of day at all big of her imo.

Secondly the fact that your daughter hasn't apologised is shocking and the fact that you make excuses for her in this is terrible too. So because they haven't explicitly invited her round to their home to apologise that means she hasn't had chance?

If I'd have offended a family member like this and it was having repercussions this big, I would absolutely make sure I apologised. Is your daughter illiterate? Is she not capable of writing a letter or a text? An email? It's not rocket science.

Finally, the fact you say that the fact SIL wasn't meant to hear makes it somehow better is plain daft. It is wrong to talk about people behind their backs. Most people do it, yes, but it's still wrong. It's normal to feel guilty and show contrition when overheard talking about someone.

It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.

I completely disagree. If she’d said it to her face, the DIL would have been able to respond/make her own point back/address whatever issues were causing the friction. Instead, your DD behaved like a mean girl, sneering at her behind her back for laughs. Your poor DIL must have felt that you all went along with that - she’ll have wondered what else you’ve said behind her back, how often you’ve done it, who else you’ve involved in laughing at her. Not nice at all. A nasty, cowardly way to deal with issues you have with someone and absolutely your DD’s fault. And the lack of apology speaks volumes…..

In 4 years??
Plenty of time to apologise.

Sounds like DS and DIL are much better off without you both.

DD is clearly the golden child and I would guess this was the last straw for DIL after several incidents.

Your DD sounds terribly immature and nasty going on like that at the age of 24, I assumed she was about 10 when I read your first post.

Jesus Christ. So you missed their wedding and anything to do with your grandchild because you can’t accept your daughter behaved like a nasty mean girl in this situation? My mum would have absolutely bollocked me if I was your DD in this situation and I’d be expected to effectively grovel for forgiveness. Your DD is 28 and bloody needs to grow up and ask if she can make a genuine apology to your DIL. You need to stop taking her side. She wasn’t a child when it happened and she didn’t even attempt to make amends. No wonder your son is so pissed off.

WOW

You can see who the Golden Child is here, can't you?

When your son was getting married and it was clear that your DD was not invited, but you were, did your DD not think to say to you 'you should still go to your son's wedding mum, it's not your fault I am excluded.' ? If she didn't, then she should have done. She should also be saying to you now 'go and visit your son and grandson and take this letter of apology from me with you'.

Tbh your DIL probably decided she wasn't going to see or speak to your daughter expecting that your daughter would promptly apologise and make it right like a normal person would

Agree with this 100% you and your daughter are the problem. Good on your DIL and DS for sticking to their guns and not entertaining toxic rude hateful people.

I’m struggling to see the point you think you’re making here — that mocking someone is ok when you think they can’t hear you? Mocking a newcomer to the family is ok if the people you mocking them to are your parents? Mocking someone is ok if you do it in your own house?

You don’t sound like a very nice family to join, assuming your DD was getting an appreciative response to her unkind imitation of your DIL.

Has it ever even occurred to you to suggest that your DD apologises?

I can't even imagine how unwelcome your DIL felt in your home with your daughter mocking her and you feeling that it's just 'having a laugh' and that it's your DILs fault for being within earshot??
How is it not deliberately offensive to pretend to be someone you don't like and mock them? Even if your DIL hadn't heard it, the intend was still to ridicule.
Your daughter should have apologised at the time and instead it seems like you have shielded her from taking responsibility for her actions.

I don't blame your dil.your dd was tactless and thoughtless.

Your son will back his wife naturally and so he should.

You daughter should have thought more long term, her loss and a lessons learnt hopefully.
The amount of families who think they can slag each other off, then still expect to remain friends is weird.

Your DD was being a nasty bitch about her brother's soon to be wife. Your DD doesn't give a shit about the harm she caused, if she did she'd have apologised profusely at the time. You're standing by your nasty DD at the expense of your DS, DIL and GC. You deserve all you get (or rather don't get). This is on you and your DD not your DIL.

And by the way, how exactly was your DD 'pretending to be' your DIL. Does your DIL speak differently? Is she from another country?