Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

OP’s own explanation is that her daughter didn’t think DIL heard her. And that’s the OP who wants to paint her daughter in a positive light.

We don't actually even know if the DiL let on that she'd heard the remark at the time, or whether she'd overheard it and told DS afterwards. Or even if the sister hadn't known she was overheard at the time. There may not have been an option to apologise immediately. We don't know the timescale at all.

You’re just making assumptions to suit your narrative, so it’s pointless engaging any further. Have a good day.

I would guess she has been blocked. Letter fair enough but combined with the trauma of being made to feel like a person non gratis why would she?

Immediately upon finding out she’d caused hurt/offence with her actions.

No I am giving a different perspective to son good daughter bad, It is never that straight forward.

There are a lot of guesses/assumptions in your posts, that all support the narrative of the OP and her daughter and not the DIL/son. We can all make assumptions that suit our own narratives, but it doesn’t lead to a useful discussion. Based on what the OP herself has said (and bear in mind that the OP is trying to portray her daughter in a good light), she hasn’t apologised because ‘it’s not her fault she heard’ and ‘she hasn’t seen her to apologise’. We can only go on the information given.

I think it's quite telling that OP went to her son to ask him to change his behaviour to get over this hurdle in family relations. Not to her daughter, who had caused the initial offence, and then doubled down by not apologising. Surely it would have been so much more logical, and should have been so much easier, as a result, to require her daughter to do what was necessary to mend the family rift?

Choices, actions, consequences. All four parties have exercised theirs. And the only party's choices, actions, and consequences they can genuinely and easily impact, are their own. If those are working for them, great. If not, they need to change them, not sit around stamping their foot, wailing to the world that 'it's not faaaaaair!'

But your ‘perspective’ includes entirely baseless assumptions. I could say ‘I assume the DD was calling the DIL a fat cunt and that’s why she’s so upset’ but it would be based on nothing and therefore useless to the discussion 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Bottom line is sons response has been disproportionate and hugely traumatic. He has essentially said to sister 'I don't give a fuck about you and you are totally insignificant to the point I am going to pretend you don't exist'. Vile.

What are you talking about? Disproportionate because his sister was chatting shit about his wife and refused to apologise. He’s standing by his wife AS HE SHOULD. Is there a reason why you’re not acknowledging what the sister has done to actually cause these issues?

Ah, but you could also say ‘bottom line is that the sister was rude and offensive and has refused to apologise for her behaviour. He is essentially saying to his sister ‘treat my wife with basic respect and we can move on with our relationship. In the meantime I am supporting my wife, who you have upset greatly with your actions and your refusal to apologise’.

Or alternatively, his actions have said, 'I have reached the limit of what I'm prepared to put up with from you, and until I have a clear indication that you understand this, and respect it, I'm not prepared to have dealings with you any further'.

Given the information we have, this could equally be true.

If she wanted to apologise, she can simply send a message or write a letter. She hasn’t been prevented from doing any of that.

OP saying she can’t apologise because she’s been excluded is OP coming up with a crap reason as to why her daughter is such a poor human being. She can apologise without having to be invited to family events first.

And considering that that’s the only reason she’s come up with for not apologising, I’m sure she would have said more about DIL’s behaviour if it would help her daughter’s case.

I've just read the OP'S posts again and it's not even clear if the DD knew that DiL had overheard, before she was banned from the wedding.
All the talk of "the golden child", but the OP is clear that in her mind she was defending her DD against the DiL, she wasn't chosing DD over her son. And whilst that is obviously a huge oversight, as her DS and DiL come as a pair now, it doesn't support the golden child theory.

We really need more info, but the tone of a lot of these posts means the OP is obviously not going to return to tell us.

His wife is quite happy for him to estrange himself from his family on behalf of being hurt his sister impersonated her.
Should his sister apologise absolutely but should he and wife have responded as they did- get a grip.

The son has his own mind. Why are you blaming the DIL for his decision?

Sister in law could have stepped in and told him to include his sister.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision

Stated in first post.

She could have done. Maybe she did. Maybe he said ‘no, I’m not willing to forgive her until she apologises to you’. But again, more baseless assumptions that add nothing to the discussion.

Ah I’ve got better things to do with my time than this 😁.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision

As stated by the OP. So husband either doesn't care about seeing his sister or that she is heart broken, or he just does what his wife tells him. Either way not traits I would want in a son.

We can spend all day going round the houses on this, but ultimately all the info we need isn't there.
It's the story of MN really.

Of course 'DIL wants nothing to do with DD and DS has backed her decision' could be OP's take on the situation, rather than something that has been specifically stated by either DIL or DS. And OP can't exactly be accused of being unbiased in this, can she?

I would be very proud of my son if he supported his wife and new family.