Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

This is ridiculous. You choose to miss your son's wedding rather than make your dd apologise? Your son would have been the heartbroken one, not your dd. He will never feel the same about you again. It is heartwarming to see him standing up for his wife and that your DIL has firm boundaries. At least you will be reassured they are setting great examples for your grandchild.

If the DD had apologised (at any point) and then been rejected then I think there would have been some sympathy and expectation that the son and DIl should suck it up for the sake of family unity. Most people accept that families dont have to be in lockstep to function.

But frankly the Op skated very lightly over what her adult daughter actually did - which tends to indicate that even she knows it was unacceptable. The DD also pretended to be the DIL for the benefit and amusement of an audience - her parents.

Rather than reflect on how upsetting that must have been for a guest in her house the Op has put the onus on the DIL to get over it. She's shunted the responsibilty to forgive on to the DIL without ever acknowledging how hurtful that must have been.

Forgiveness tends to follow contrition.

As for turning down your child's wedding invitation or refusing to meet a grandchild for fear of upsetting her daughter, words fail me.

It seems an absurd situation.

However, the exclusion exercised by your DS and DiLaw is excessive. Four years! Your DiL & DS are starting to move into childish territory.

Maybe they were just hoping for an apology?

Some sign that Op's daughter had an inkling that what she did was rude & unkind?

You call the son & DIL childish.

Wouldn't that be the 24yr adult who was making fun of her brother's GF?

Your headline is incorrect. Your DIL is not trying to ruin your relationship with your DD. Your DD has ruined your relationship with your DS, as have you, because you are an enabler.

Your DD didn’t take to DIL. You mean she didn’t like her. Why? Was it jealousy? Your DD took the piss out of her in front of you. She did it whilst you watched. She was being her. What does that mean exactly? Taking the piss out of her accent, class, mannerisms? What did you do? Stand there and watch, laugh?

Your DIL heard it, and would have been really upset. She was probably really hurt, embarrassed and felt bullied. I’m surprised their relationship survived.

Then, your DD did nothing. She didn’t apologise for her lack of respect and duplicity. Whats more your DD is claiming to be the victim here, and you are backing her? Why?

At this stage my own parent would’ve taken me aside and had a serious word with me about my behaviour, and I would’ve apologised profusely and meant it. If that didn’t work I’d have written her a letter and took steps to make it up to her. Your DIL is still waiting for an apology 4 years later.

I am part of a similar set up. A badly behaved, spoilt jealous SIL who bad mouths me behind my back and a MIL who thinks she can do no wrong. If I ever hear it first hand, I’ll go NC.

You are just another one of those mums who has a DD and. Son and backs her DD no matter what because you think she’s your insurance policy.

DH and I are the only ones to have DC, and DGC will be along soon. As a younger woman I sucked it up. As a mother, and a mature woman they can go whistle. I see them once a year and my DC give no shits that they are relatives.

Why on earth didn't your DD apologise to DiL? To say that DiL wasn't meant to overhear is a complete copout. It seems DiL was treated with a complete lack of respect by your DD - respect which DD could have shown out of courtesy to her brother, if for no other reason. Was she nasty to DiL? How would you have felt if it had been your DD on the receiving end of the hurtful comments?
DD should try to build a bridge with DS and DiL. Meanwhile you should stress to DS that you are neutral - not taking your daughter's side - and that you want to have a relationship with him and DiL, away from the home if need be. You may need to be prepared for him to get some things off his chest.

Your DIL and DS are well shot of you and DD. Good for her.

You and your DD both sound like nasty, ill-mannered trash. I wouldn't want you around my DC either.

I must be the only one who is around people who take the piss out of people. Clearly all my friends and family are I’ll mannered trash too.

@Janedoe82 but would you apologise if you hurt someone, or would you put the onus on them to "get over it"?

Also, the DD disliked the DIL from the start, which makes this a bit different from the usual familial piss taking.

Does ‘taking the piss out of people’ include mocking the girlfriend/boyfriend of a sibling, whom you don’t like, behind their backs?

I think the vast majority have said things about people behind their backs that they wouldn't want them to hear.

I can't stand one of my sister in laws as she is highly manipulative, conceited and uses my mother relentlessly for free child care to the point my mother bends over backwards to accommodate her incase SIL won't let her see her grandchildren. This idea that all sister in laws must be lovely people is total crap. There is always two sides to every story.

It’s actually truly very sad you missed your son’s wedding over this, and I doubt he would ever really get over it. My brother couldn’t come to my wedding as he couldn’t travel because of Covid, and whilst that never caused issues for us and he watched the whole thing via video call, I have always been sad that my brother wasn’t at my wedding, and that was for reasons entirely out of his control. I wonder how he must feel that his own mum chose not to come because she chose sides.

Yes, but we don't know why she disliked her. There could be some very good reason.

I must be the only one who is around people who take the piss out of people.

No - you’re not. But taking the piss out of someone is done with affection and to her face. And I’m sure you’d be mortified and want to apologise if it came to your attention that your piss taking has actually really upset someone. The OP’s DD wasn’t “taking the piss”, she was mocking someone behind her back - and made no attempt to apologise, even when she was made aware of the deep hurt she had caused.

He is the one who put his mother in this position by banning his sister on behalf of his girlfriends injured feelings.
We don't have enough information on what actually went on to say Wife good, sister evil witch.

If the SIL was bitchy and manipulative, I’m sure OP would have mentioned it when defending her daughter.

Maybe the sister in law is genuinely just a complete twat. Who knows!!

OP has said nothing bad about DIL whilst also explaining her daughter’s behaviour. If there was, OP would definitely have mentioned it when justifying her daughter’s behaviour. Instead, all she has said to defend her is her daughter didn’t know SIL was there to hear here.

Surely she had a chance to apologise as soon as the incident happened?

Is there any reason why she can't write to her brother and SIL to apologise?

It doesn't matter if SIL is a complete twat. That is the woman her brother had chosen to be his girlfriend and then his wife. If she loved her brother and had respect for him she would have kept her thoughts to herself. But she didn't. Now she has lost her brother because of it and her inability to say sorry.

Maybe afraid to say anything now about DIL incase she is ostracised too.

I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.

I just don't understand your thinking process. Your daughter hasn't even bothered to apologise, yet you are worried about how hurt she might be if you see your grandchild without her? Can you not see that you are telling your son that you are not worried about how hurt they are?

When your daughter was mocking DiL, were you present? Did you at any point tell her she was being unkind, or were you laughing along with her?

OP was there, the daughter was putting on a show for her parents.

But OP seems to condone her daughter's lack of apology, and seems more bothered about hurting her daughter whilst not worrying about hurting her son. That is what is difficult to understand.

Her daughter is probably devastated by the whole thing and this would be another kick in the teeth. Her brother has essentially told her she is insignificant and walked away. The trauma of this is huge.
At the end of the day the mothers loyalty is to her children, not her daughter in law- how exactly does she stand by and allow one child to inflict so much pain on another over some mean comments?
We don't know why the daughter hasn't apologised- maybe just deeply hurt by the fact her own brother banned her from his wedding and can't face them.