Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

We don't know why the daughter hasn't apologised- maybe just deeply hurt by the fact her own brother banned her from his wedding and can't face them

She should have apologised immediately.

My husband's sister and I were 'not each other's cup of tea', as you prefer to put it. We had nothing in common and never warmed to one another. That's okay. In the circumstances I was comfortable with the situation, and the fact that the DD and DiL in this story were never going to be bosom buddies isn't of great importance. Many sisters-in-law wouldn't choose one another as friends.

What all adults should be able to do, however, is maintain basic civilities. It's not difficult. This is something my SiL was incapable of doing. Any time she spent in my company was devoted to delivering every snide, passive-aggressive snub she could. It must have taken considerable time and effort.

This went on for some years and largely washed over me; on occasion it even had entertainment value. When my mother died young and unexpectedtly, however, that behaviour crossed over into the category of 'unforgivable'. DH didn't cut her off; this wasn't an expectation. I did. For reasons of self-preservation I didn't want to be around this woman, and so removed myself permanently from her presence. When she deployed an action replay some 15 years or so later with DH when their father died, he'd also had enough, and he too cut her off.

Yes, aunt/uncle/cousin relationships have been affected. This is regrettable but inevitable when someone behaves in this way. I don't regret stepping back for an instant.

You don't know what DiL's boundary is, how serious DD's behaviour was, or whether this was merely the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. It's their boundary, and they are entitled to it. The brother behaved entirely appropriately in the circumstances. And if his dear sis is 'traumatised' by the very real consequences of her actions, perhaps she will think more carefully before behaving in a similar way in future.

Afraid to tell us on MN?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and again we don't know the context!

Maybe there was a screaming row and her brother and his wife also said some very hurtful things.

Maybe!

Where’s the mother’s loyalty to her son? She has chosen her daughter and completely ignored her son’s feelings.

Because her son is the one who is excluding his sister at his wife's request.

It’s nothing do with hindsight. Any reasonable adult would apologise to someone the minute they knew they’d caused offence with their actions.
I imagine if the DIL had said hurtful things the OP would have mentioned it, as it would have helped her case in portraying the DIL as the unreasonable party.
But I’ll await your reply where you tie yourself in knots justifying the DD’s behaviour 😁

Like I said, I would be devastated if one of my children cut the other off like this. His response is vastly disproportionate to the offence.

If I dislike someone - and generally I try to be careful to suspend judgement until I'm given a legitimate reason - I am simply civil to them on the surface and keep a respectful distance.

If they are reasonable, and the relationship salveagable, I'll attempt a frank discussion to resolve the area of conflict. If necessary, and I've contributed to the situation with my own behaviour, I'll apologise, but would expect this goodwill to be reciprocal.

If things have gone beyond this and I decide someone is really unworthy of my notice then they don't receive it. Any of it. It's that simple.

Mockery and mimicry are not my style, nor the style of most sentient, reasonable and thinking adults. This - whatever the reason for DD's dislike - is the way children express themselves in the playground.

These are grown-ups. Supposedly.

How do you know that? Why blame the DIL rather than accepting the son can make his own decisions?

There have been times my brother and I have had major falling out and stopped speaking to each other. And I’m sure my mum sided with him when with him and with me when with me. But we never ever forced my mum to choose between us. OP has shown who her favourite child is and where your priorities lie. She has shown where her loyalties are.

She’s already given a reason for that - Op is too scared of her DIL to explain that to us on MN! 😂😂

Like many of you, I suspect the DD was not cut off for this one incident. I would put money on the DS knowing from years of experience that his sister is spoiled and mean-spirited, and that his mother enables it. He chose not to allow his sister any further access to his wife. Good for him. He protected his wife, as he should.

The DD is only "devastated" because, for once, her actions came with consequences. OP has done neither of her children any favours by preferring one over the other.

The son has not responded the way I would want mine to ever treat their sibling end of. He has been cruel and left the sister to essentially feel like an only child. I would be so so ashamed that I had brought up a child with such a lack of empathy and ability to forgive.

Sister taking the piss AND NOT APOLOGISING.

I would be ashamed of a child who mocks/mimics their brother’s partner and then refuses to apologise on the basis that ‘it’s not my fault she heard me’. But we’re all different.

How can he forgive when she has refused to apologise?She has shown no remorse at all! Someone has been cruel and showing a lack of empathy, and it’s definitely not the son!

You can definitely tell from the responses the people who've been raised to be spoiled brats and expect the universe to pussy foot around them. They have zero humility or sense of decency. They act like butter wouldn't melt and spout pointless crap like 'be kind' but they actually only think they have to be respectful to people that they like and who fit their narrow minded and superficial opinion of somebody who's worthy of being treated like a human being. If they haven't already people who strut about behaving like this eventually realise too late that mummy and daddy are probably the only people who are going to tolerate this shit because they've never been raised to acknowledge that they're not the princess that their parents think they are.

That too. Mocking someone behind their back is not what decent people do!

It is quite possible to be ashamed of both things- but to kick your sister down in the way he has is devastating.

a lack of empathy and ability to forgive

His sister hasn’t asked for forgiveness. That would involve an apology.

We don't know the full context as to why she hasn't apologised.

The OP said she hasn’t apologised because ‘it wasn’t her fault that the DIL heard’.

And because ‘she hasn’t seen her to apologise’. So I guess as we appear to be making baseless assumptions about what happened, we can also assume that the DD doesn’t own a mobile phone or have the ability to write a letter.

She goes on to day she has been excluded so unable to see them to apologise.

It is likely all about control with the brother- he has refused to any kind of reconciliation when his mother has asked him to and wants his sister to come begging in humiliation. Not nice.