Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Just wanted to say also - the title of this thread is so much bullshit.
Exactly, should read
"I have allowed DD to ruin the relationship with DIL and DS"

Your thread title is proper bonkers. How on earth is your DIL trying to ruin your relationship with your DD??

What's actually happening is that your DS is protecting his wife from his mocking, rude, unapologetic sister. Good for him. It's a wonder he's still extending invitations to you given your behaviour.

Why are you so defensive and protective of your daughter, who is a) an adult and b) in the wrong?

Wild horses wouldn't keep me from my son's wedding.
Why have you taken your dd's side, over your son, when it is clear she did something wrong?

Yes, 100%. it just shows how deluded @worldlyweather is that she thinks it is all the DIL's fault. Such a terrible attitude.

she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.

Surely you can see that this was mean and as the Dil spent a lot of time at your place this was risky and immature behaviour of DD.

It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents

She did deliberately offend. She just thought she was getting away with it. She didnt and 4 yrs later is yet to accept the consequences.

its not her fault she was there and saw/heard.

Of course it is!!! What planet are you on that you cant accept your DD behaved badly and was caught and should have apologised.

I am franky staggered at your stupidity here and very embarrassed for you that you missed your DS’s wedding and havent met your Grandson.

The post I quoted stated that the OP resented the DiL and would resent any Dil as they would be taking her son away from her. That is a bit of a stretch. Lots of talk about the DD being the golden child and a bully. One remark isn't bullying and there's no evidence that the DD has always been the golden child. I'd be pretty disappointed if one of my kids excluded their siblings from their wedding and there have been some fallings out between mine over the years.

The OP said she has tried to get her DS and DD to make up, but DS won't see or speak to DD. Thwy won't come to the Mum's house in case DD is there, refused to allow DD to come to the wedding.
Yes, the DD should have apologised, they all need to sit down and talk. But the DS and Dil are the ones cutting themselves off. I do think things have been blown out of proportion.

1. No, of course she hasn't had a chance to apologize in FOUR years. Because there is no such thing as a letter, a text, a phone call or an email, is there?
2. Whether or not the DIL was meant to hear it, she did. Is your daughter sorry or not? If she is, then she should apologise. If she isn't, then she shouldn't.

I can see that all our comments are falling on deaf ears. You are making any excuse for your daughter that you can. Are you dependent on her?

Your dd sounds like a dick, sorry.

Has dd apologised for her shitty behaviour yet? Because there are many many ways to do so which don’t have to be in person.

Yes exactly. My DH is the family scapegoat while his brother is the golden child. You can take a guess which out of the siblings is a selfish arsehole. Clue, it’s not my DH.

Why are you enabling such horrid behaviour??

she should be able to mock her in her own home? That's crazy.
Your poor son! Props to him for siding with his wife though, better off without you all by the sounds of it.

I don’t understand why you didn’t advise your DD to apologise as that sounds very hurtful, whether intended or not. Not going to the wedding or meeting new grandson is making it much harder to reconcile. Your Dd should try sending a letter, with a genuine apology

Thread should read 'I'VE ruined my relationship with my son and his family'

You have vendetta against DIL. Your own son jas enforced the no DD rule. You can and absolutely You should visit your son. Why are you even taking sides. You even missed your sons wedding day fgs! Have a good look at your own behaviour and leave your kids to make up at their own time

Thus must be one of those reverse posts

@worldlyweather
I know you won't post again, however, I really hope you are reading all these 30+ pages of replies.
Your DD & you treated DIL poorly. You need to apologise.
Please reflect on your poor behaviour and do better

You're that type of parent! 🥱

Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

Should read "DD and I have ruined our relationship with my DS, DIL and DGC".

OP I cannot believe that you've taken your (mean, rude) daughter's side in this situation, even to the point of not attending the wedding and not seeing your grandchild.

If this is genuine, you are such a fool.

I have one grandchild; I met her the day after she was born. I've seen her first smiles, take her first step, say her first words, first day at school, first "big" tooth, etc. etc. It's all been a pleasure and a privilege. Are you seriously willing to miss out on all this just to take your daughter's side?

Do you discuss the situation with your DD? Have you ever said, "DD this situation is breaking my heart, please just apologise, accept you were in the wrong and make up. I'll apologise too for taking sides, and hopefully we can be a family again"?

If you have what has (golden child) DD said?

They have established a boundary. No one here would really be happy if they overheard someone rudely mocking them and then the person refusing to apologise.

Someone who refuses to apologise when wrong and when they have hurt someone will think it is perfectly fine to continue such behaviour if there are no consequences.

The daughter could have apologised right then and there, but chose not to.

She could have apologised while her brother and the gf was engaged, chose not to.

Daughter is 24 yo, not a child, nothing but her own pride and dislike of her brother’s gf now wife has likely stopped her. It is not up to her brother and his wife or her mother to ask her to apologise. She needs to do it on her own instead of making excuses and playing victim because she f-ed around and found out thinking her brother would simply accept her mocking the woman he loves and refusing to apologise. Bet she would have likely refused to see SIL if SIL behaved in the same way.

OP could see her grandchild if she really wanted to and respect the boundary that her son and DIL have put in place, but she is blaming the DIL and choosing still to side with her daughter who is absolutely in the wrong proving her son right.

@worldlyweather, simply put, you chose your DD over your DS.

You reap what you sow.

You sound insufferable. Get a grip and tell your daughter to apologise. No wonder your DIL hates her if she was openly mocking her. I’m surprised she doesn’t hate you too. It sounds like you’re the type of mother who thinks her DD is the golden child and can do no wrong. Your poor DS and DIL.

Also what’s this about “she can’t apologise, she isn’t welcome”. If she truly felt sorry for making your DIL feel hurt and wanted to make amends she would find a way. She’s a 28 year old woman FFS. She’s clearly been babied by you and made to feel like she can do no wrong.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I thought you were going to say your DD was a young teen. I was ready to say you should have grounded her and made her apologize.

By 24, she should have known better. There is no excuse for her behavior. She was nasty and unkind to DIL and didn’t even attempt to apologize in 4 years. I wonder if this wasn’t the final straw instead of the first instance of DD’s mistreatment of DIL. This wasn’t a disagreement between DIL and DD. This was all DD’s bad behavior towards DIL.

Your DS is doing the right thing by protecting his wife and child from his disrespectful, mean girl sister. OP, you are completely wrong in this situation and in danger of being completely cut off if you don’t stop trying to force DD on DS. DS and DIL are being incredibly generous to you by continuing to invite you and trying to include you in their family. After you refused to attend my wedding because I wouldn’t allow you to bring someone who hurt my spouse, I would have been done with you.

As much as you want a happy family where your children get along, you can’t force it. Your children are adults, even if your DD can’t manage to behave like one. Your DS is a grown man, husband and father. He makes his own decisions about who he has a relationship with. Stop blaming DIL. You need to apologize to your DS and DIL for trying to force DD on them and try to establish an adult/peer relationship with them.

Your DD has done something very hurtful to your DIL and has then stood by watching you alienate yourself from your DS & DGC and hasn’t even tried to put things right ? If she’s “ heartbroken “ by the situation then she needs to be moving heaven and earth to resolve this - for your sake if not her DB’s
I think you need to reconsider where your loyalties lie. If she refuses to apologise and both your DIL and DD continue to behave like this thenyou should carry on having a relationship with your DC & DS separately . By choosing your DD over your DS you’ve already missed out on 4 years of your DGC life . Do you really want to miss any more ?

You're totally in the wrong here. Your DD was cruel and unkind and understandably, her brother wanted nothing to do with her (whether this is an over reaction or not is not for me to decide)
You've basically chosen your poorly behaved daughter over your son and Grandchild.
If my parents did that, then they wouldn't be welcome in my home.
You absolutely can have a relationship with your Grandchild and son but you are choosing not to, because of the way your daughter behaved!