Page 31 | Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

worldlyweather · 2024-09-09T10:33:20+00:00

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd. Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard. Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded. Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this. I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil. I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly. Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off. The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild. They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether. I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:15

I am going to break with the rest and say I think your DIL and son are massively over reacting. Yes your daughter was mean however they have responded by using the silent treatment as a way of punishment which is equally horrible. I can’t blame you for siding with your daughter- your son has been a dick too.

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:19

Plus your son clearly doesn’t give a fuck about his sister either as he is quite happy to just shut her out of his life on behalf of his wife being offended, knowing perfectly well the position it leaves you in.

Dotto · 09/09/2024 23:22

Oh, hello OP.

HoppingPavlova · 09/09/2024 23:22

@Janedoe82 So, he should tell his wife to just put up with it? Or, be one of those men who doesn’t support his wife, and leaves her home while he goes off to visit his family? They have had four years to apologise for bad behaviour and haven’t, obviously have no intention of doing so, and had the intention the DIL should ‘know her place and put up with it’. You want the son to endorse that? Bonkers.

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:23

Dotto · 09/09/2024 23:22

Oh, hello OP.

No not at all. But I have been in a similar situation and I know how traumatic it is.

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:26

HoppingPavlova · 09/09/2024 23:22

@Janedoe82 So, he should tell his wife to just put up with it? Or, be one of those men who doesn’t support his wife, and leaves her home while he goes off to visit his family? They have had four years to apologise for bad behaviour and haven’t, obviously have no intention of doing so, and had the intention the DIL should ‘know her place and put up with it’. You want the son to endorse that? Bonkers.

He should speak to them both. He is using the silent treatment, a form of abuse, to tell his sister she means fuck all, whilst trying to keep his mother sweet.This is not a normal brotherly response. His wife is also clearly more than happy to have an estranged family and for her son not to see his grand mother because she is unable to get over the fact her sister in law isn’t a fan.

CarpetSlipper · 09/09/2024 23:27

YABU. Your adult daughter can live with the consequences of her actions - she doesn’t like her sister in law anyway.
I don’t understand why you are making excuses for her or why you didn’t attend the wedding and are choosing not to see your grandchild.

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:27

CarpetSlipper · 09/09/2024 23:27

YABU. Your adult daughter can live with the consequences of her actions - she doesn’t like her sister in law anyway.
I don’t understand why you are making excuses for her or why you didn’t attend the wedding and are choosing not to see your grandchild.

Probably because she knew her son was using exclusion as a form of punishment.

Notwhatuwanttohear · 09/09/2024 23:29

Op won't be back.

Is probably with her dd either telling each other everyone on this thread is wrong.

Or

Mocking like they did the DIL.

Treelichen · 09/09/2024 23:32

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:15

I am going to break with the rest and say I think your DIL and son are massively over reacting. Yes your daughter was mean however they have responded by using the silent treatment as a way of punishment which is equally horrible. I can’t blame you for siding with your daughter- your son has been a dick too.

It’s not silent treatment and it’s not punishment. It’s cutting an abusive person from your life. The DD hasn’t yet apologised and so is abusive. I’d not have her in my life either. The OP need to tell her DD to sort it. The son is behaving totally appropriately.

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:34

I have two children. I would be devastated if one of them chose to estrange themselves from their sibling over one event resulting in injured feelings to a partner.
At the end of the day as a mother you will try to protect your children and the one walking away, preventing the other from experiencing being an aunt, is being extremely cruel. Yes her daughter was mean- but to cut your sibling out of your life in your twenties is extreme. And hugely traumatic for the sister.

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:35

Treelichen · 09/09/2024 23:32

It’s not silent treatment and it’s not punishment. It’s cutting an abusive person from your life. The DD hasn’t yet apologised and so is abusive. I’d not have her in my life either. The OP need to tell her DD to sort it. The son is behaving totally appropriately.

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This is not abuse!! And it is an insult to people who have actually experienced abuse. It was a sister taking the piss, unknowingly.

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:37

Let he is without sin cast the first stone.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/09/2024 23:39

oh, look, a sock puppet.

DadJoke · 09/09/2024 23:43

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:34

I have two children. I would be devastated if one of them chose to estrange themselves from their sibling over one event resulting in injured feelings to a partner.
At the end of the day as a mother you will try to protect your children and the one walking away, preventing the other from experiencing being an aunt, is being extremely cruel. Yes her daughter was mean- but to cut your sibling out of your life in your twenties is extreme. And hugely traumatic for the sister.

Do you think DD should apologise?

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:45

DadJoke · 09/09/2024 23:43

Do you think DD should apologise?

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Yes, but so should the brother for being so horrendously cruel.
He is the one who cut her out. I assume has blocked her on the phone and he won’t even come to the family home incase she is there. Does that sound like the sort of son or brother you would be proud to have?

murasaki · 09/09/2024 23:45

Experiencing being an aunt is not a right, surely. I say that as an aunt...

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:46

murasaki · 09/09/2024 23:45

Experiencing being an aunt is not a right, surely. I say that as an aunt...

no it isn’t a right. But it isn’t kind either to behave like this.

NeedBiggerWindChimes · 09/09/2024 23:51

Your DD needs to sleep in the bed she made. My SIL bullied me and it only hurt her relationship with us as a couple. It's been 30 years since I've seen her and it will stay that way. I sometimes wonder if she has regrets, but I doubt it.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/09/2024 23:52

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:15

I am going to break with the rest and say I think your DIL and son are massively over reacting. Yes your daughter was mean however they have responded by using the silent treatment as a way of punishment which is equally horrible. I can’t blame you for siding with your daughter- your son has been a dick too.

Umm it’s not the “silent treatment” if someone has wronged you and acted like a total dick, and then won’t apologise. It’s looking after yourself. You just move on with your life. If the DD and the mother wanted to resolve it with the DIL they could. But they choose to be stubborn and whinge about it. Maybe if the DD had sincerely apologised at the time, it would have blown over by now.

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:52

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/09/2024 23:52

Umm it’s not the “silent treatment” if someone has wronged you and acted like a total dick, and then won’t apologise. It’s looking after yourself. You just move on with your life. If the DD and the mother wanted to resolve it with the DIL they could. But they choose to be stubborn and whinge about it. Maybe if the DD had sincerely apologised at the time, it would have blown over by now.

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Would you be proud if this was your son?

NeedBiggerWindChimes · 09/09/2024 23:54

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:45

Yes, but so should the brother for being so horrendously cruel.
He is the one who cut her out. I assume has blocked her on the phone and he won’t even come to the family home incase she is there. Does that sound like the sort of son or brother you would be proud to have?

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Actually, he is the kind of son I'd be proud to have. I'd be proud if my child knew they could set boundaries on toxic people in their lives and could stand up for their wives. I can't even begin to tell you all the tricks my SIL pulled but I'd hope my son would be able to take a strong stand against that sort of thing.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/09/2024 23:54

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:34

I have two children. I would be devastated if one of them chose to estrange themselves from their sibling over one event resulting in injured feelings to a partner.
At the end of the day as a mother you will try to protect your children and the one walking away, preventing the other from experiencing being an aunt, is being extremely cruel. Yes her daughter was mean- but to cut your sibling out of your life in your twenties is extreme. And hugely traumatic for the sister.

I’d be devastated if my brother openly mocked my DH and didn’t apologise. I would be mortified. If he’d done that before we got married and it wasn’t resolved, why would I want someone that nasty to be at my wedding when he clearly hates the person I’m marrying??? And then if my mum didn’t turn up because of it? Awful.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/09/2024 23:56

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:52

Would you be proud if this was your son?

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Yes. Yes I would, for standing up for his wife/ family against a horrible person. The DD clearly takes no responsibility and plays the victim, and is mollycoddled by the mum. The son sounds like he has good morals.

NeedBiggerWindChimes · 09/09/2024 23:56

Janedoe82 · 09/09/2024 23:34

I have two children. I would be devastated if one of them chose to estrange themselves from their sibling over one event resulting in injured feelings to a partner.
At the end of the day as a mother you will try to protect your children and the one walking away, preventing the other from experiencing being an aunt, is being extremely cruel. Yes her daughter was mean- but to cut your sibling out of your life in your twenties is extreme. And hugely traumatic for the sister.

What about what's traumatic for the son? Of course, it's devastating, but it happens. DD should have apologised. If someone is too toxic to be in my life, they have no place in my children's life. Bringing toxic people into my children's life would be bad parenting.