Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

OP won't be back

She's going to continue to think she's right and poor little nearly 30 year old bully DD is being awfully wronged and horrible, insulted DIL is keeping her away from her grandchild

Maaan, I dislike it when OP's aren't back when they don't hear what they expected.
They're happy to post updates when everyone agrees with them, but disappear when they've been the unreasonable one.
Just own up, you've made a mistake - we all make them!

I feel so sorry for your son and DIL. Your adult DD behaved terribly towards your son's now wife and you have effectively cut them of along with your grandchild. Your DD doesn't need to be involved with the relationship you have with your son and his family. It's totally separate.

It sounds like you and your DD are best staying away from your son and his family anyway as you only bring trouble. I hope your son and DIL are happy.

If your daughter had anything about her she'd be telling you not to miss out because of her actions, and her fallout with her brother and his wife

In a nutshell.

I think you're being completely ridiculous and should tell your daughter to apologise for being rude

I think this is accurate. Her heading towards 30 year old DD is the "princess" which is why her behaviour is totally despicable and her mother can't see it
Unfortunately I doubt her poor son ever got a look in.

You and your DD are completely in the wrong for this. DD for not taking accountability for her hurtful words by apologizing (write a damn letter - the "how can she apologize?" thing is pure garbage) and you for choosing to cut off your son and grandchildren if they won't overlook your DD's behavior and refusal to apologize. Your DD doesn't think she should have to own up to her misdeeds and it's quite clear where she learned that.

You've openly taken your DD's side against your son by refusing to see him or your grandchild if they won't see your DD. Your DD has chosen to be ugly and not apologize for it. Stop acting like you and your DD are victims because you don't like the predictable consequences of your choices.

Well done to your son for being a good partner to his wife and setting boundaries.

My sil was like this. Always mocking me and being unkind. She was only 15 when we first met and very immature though. It continued for some years, but her parents remained fairly neutral. Your DD was absolutely in the wrong. It doesn't matter than she mocked her in her own house and didn't intend to be heard. The fact that she felt comfortable enough to do that in the first place shows that she knew you wouldn't disapprove of her doing so. I cannot believe that you refused to attend your own son's wedding. That is taking sides. Your daughter wouldn't have been excluded had she not made an effort to apologise and rebuild relations. She had a lot of time to do so. I cannot believe that you have also chosen not to see your GC. Sorry, but this is on you OP. You have chosen your daughter and her bad behaviour over your DS and his wife.

Not sure OP is coming back! Maybe she got the message!

What was she mocking her about? Has she ever apologised- genuinely?

So she didn't take any responsibility, didn't apologise and you haven't said what she was mocking her for. I feel sorry for your son that you are clearly siding with your favourite side. DS and his wife are better off without you all.

I think that you are also taking this out on your DIL because she took your son away from you and therefore is to blame for splitting your family up. I just don't think that you especially like her or would like any dil tbh. I think that your DD probably feels the same. You both just wanted things to continue they way that they were.

Your DIL was new to the family, your DD should have been open minded and tried to welcome her. She should have apologised when she behaved badly and caused offence. Until she does that I don't think you really have a leg to stand on trying to persuade them to interact with her. I would pursue your own relationship with both of your children independently. They are all adults. Let them work out their own relationships.

How on earth you read all this into the OPs 2 posts is unbelievable. One overheard remark does not justify keeping a grandchild away from its grandparents or ostracising your family.

Of course the OP won't be back, MN at its finest, acting like a pathetic collective of playground bullies.

Sounds like you taking the side of your adult daughter who hasn't even fucking apologised for mocking your DIL is what is wrecking your relationship with your son. Good to hear that your son is sticking up for your wife, and that your DIL has healthy boundaries.

The Op was invited to the wedding and to meet their grandchild. They chose not to.

I felt sorry for you and your dd until I read that dd has never apologised to your dil.

I’m glad your son has backed his wife, too often they don’t.

Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.

Have you always made excuses for DD's poor behaviour or just when she's a grown ass adult who should have the balls to apologise when she's been an arsehole?

I cannot believe you've not met your own grandchild because of her when she can't even be bothered to say sorry when she's in the wrong.

Also - FOUR YEARS?!!

The lot of you need to grow up.

So you missed out on years of your son and grandchild’s life because your daughter wouldn’t apologise for being nasty.
How very sad for you all.

Just wanted to say also - the title of this thread is so much bullshit.

Your DIL is in no way trying to ruin your relationship with your DD, she's just refusing to put up with her shit.

I'd do the exact same in DIL's position. Walks in to find your DD doing a mocking performance of her with you all enjoying the show, then no apology and seemingly just sulking and blaming her. You sound awful. And 'no chance to apologise' is bollocks.

DD needs to apologise. The reason it has dragged on is because she has not. You need to apologise for missing their wedding/ not having a relationship with them because your DD did not apologise. They clearly think you agree with your DD.

One overheard remark does not justify keeping a grandchild away from its grandparents or ostracising your family.

Nobody has kept a grandchild away from a grandparent.

The OP has decided herself not to meet her own grandchild because her son and daughter in law don't want a relationship with the OP's daughter.

OP, I'm sorry but that's an absolutely ridiculous stance to take! Your daughter caused offence, was aware that she had done so, and yet hasn't even said she's sorry? That is appallingly bad manners, and there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for not writing to her now SIL, and apologising, for her infantile and embarrassing behaviour, and asking her forgiveness in order that you can all move on. Bearing in mind that she was old enough to know that an abject apology was necessary, I cannot believe that you would support a 24 year old behaving like this, and missing your DS's wedding, and not getting to know your grandson. When you first posted, I imagined your DD to be about 13 or 14, not a full grown adult, in which case to some degree I might have understood your stance on this, but in all honesty, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her, or you, until I received a full blown apology, not only for what she did at the time, but for the fact that you missed their wedding, and the arrival of their first child, because of her. It's not surprising so many go NC if this is the way families behave these days!

You’ve misread OPs posts. Her grandchild is not being kept away from her nor has she been ostracised; she has refused to go and visit and chose not to attend her son’s wedding.