Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

OP, stop. Your dd was rude, your son supports his wife. To continue a relationship with your son, dil and grandchild/ren you have to sometimes accept your daughter will be excluded. If you would let her disturb visits at your house, you must go to theirs. You can't force them to be friends. This is not your daughter-in-law's fault.

The OP clearly brought one child up well, the son is doing absolutely the right thing in supporting his wife. Quite how she went so wrong with the daughter is anyone's guess.

I’m going to take a guess of

”Like mother, like daughter”

I'm wondering if it's more a case of the son dragging himself up well, while mother dearest was focussed on dear darling daughter. . .

Still no OP.

I suppose our imaginations will just have to suffice.

It sounds very like your DD is your favourite the ‘golden child’ and you believe she can do wrong or do whatever she likes.

Your son is sticking up for his wife and rightly so.

If you want to move forward with this you choose to either 1) to see your son, DIL and GC on your own as your DD has done wrong and never properly apologised 2) you stand by your DD at your son, GC and your own expense or 3) you encourage your DD to do the right thing and make a genuine effort with your DIL for all your sakes and hope she is forgiven and lessons learned and you all behave respectfully and appropriately going forward.

Has OP been scared off?

Not sure on what level she thought anyone would agree with her on this one.. the tone of the thread title says it all.

Like mother like daughter.

OP get use to not having a DS anymore... YOU killed your relationship with him.

Hope cutting off your DS to protect your bully of a DD was worth it, I imagine they won't be the only people you lose.

OP, would you be willing to accept that you’re in the wrong or are you going to try and maintain yours and DDs behaviour is acceptable? Or are going to ignore the many, many replies you’ve received?

What’s in the cat is in the kitten.

Disgraceful behaviour from you and your daughter. Mortified for you.

Your DD is in wrong here.

She needs to apologize and hope it's not too late.
You need to apologize for not attending their wedding and for wrongly taking your DD's side.

In all honesty though, I don't think you or your DD will apologize. So I think your DS and DIL are better off without you.

And well done to your DS for supporting his wife.

I might have agreed with some of your point had your daughter apologized (although I can't understand you missing your son's wedding or not meeting your first grandchild) but the fact that your daughter hasn't apologised means she's completely in the wrong.

This isnt the time to take sides. You are missing out on your son and his family. If your son wants to exclude his sister thats his choice, but you cant put your foot down and say you wont visit unless sister comes otherwise he will dig his heels in futher and you will only miss out even more.
And when you do visit, dont mention the sister, he wont invite you again if you keep bringing it up.

She needs to apologise at this point. The “but” it wasn’t deliberate … means nothing. Cannot believe you do not see the problem.

The mocking must have been pretty harsh.
anyway, prob too late now.

Your dd has had 4 years to apologise. If she can't meet face to face, there's telephone calls, emails, send a bunch of flowers, send a card - the list goes on. Your dd absolutely should apologise and so should you for being THAT mother in law. Congratulations are due to you however in raising a son with a sparkley and shiney backbone- they are few and far between if the threads on AIBU are anything to do by!

If this is real, it's not them, it's you. Bravo to your son for standing up for his wife. You and your daughter deserve each other.

@worldlyweather

Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear

Why on earth has she not apologised?

I'm astounded you chose not to go to their wedding & have not yet met your first grandchild. I don't see how your relationship with your son can ever recover. .

@worldlyweather I have been pondering my response.
My initial reaction is "are you and your daughter 12?!" You are blaming your DIL for hearing something mean when it was clear that she possibly could have seen and heard. School yard bullying.
But I realise that is not helpful. I would urge you to reflect and decide that if you want a relationship with your son, DIL and GC then you have to truly apologise for your actions over the years. Your actions were BIG STATEMENTS and you are doing both of your children a disservice by not acknowledging that.
Consider, could you acknowledge your daughter's unpleasant behaviour and build a relationship with your son without seeking to defend her? If you can't then, frankly, it's unlikely to get better.
You could also encourage your daughter to reflect on her actions. Even if she is not welcome at present, there are many other ways to reach out and apologise. An old fashioned letter is often a good start

I bet DD is loving this, as she has mummy dearest all to herself now, probably what she wanted all along, to get rid of the competition.

She will do absolutely nothing to put this right, because she doesn't want it to be right, she'll turn on you too OP don't worry, probably when she has a family of her own.

When you are on your death bed, reflecting on your life, I’m assuming one of the greatest regrets will be your behaviour in this. YOU have missed your son’s wedding, YOU have missed the early years of your grandchild life. YOU have missed these life events because YOU have chosen to defend the utterly poor behaviour of your daughter to such a ridiculous degree.

bravo to your son and his wife. Even through all of this they continue to offer an olive branch to YOU, but you continue to decline in the basis of your absolute misplaced loyalty.

you do realise that you could have had a relationship with them, attended the wedding and been part of your grandchild’s life if you had just accepted that your golden child daughter behaved badly, and let them sort it out between the two of them.

if I were your son I would have been hurt by your daughters behaviour but heartbroken at the approach you have taken. As someone else has said - shame on you.

You seem to be miles away from seeing this situation clearly. Your daughter is very much in the wrong here and so are you for supporting and defending her.

She should have made an abject and sincere apology at the time. That she didn't, has made the situation much worse and so has your behaviour in supporting her.

She could make an initial apology by letter/card explaining she very much wants to apologise and would like to meet her brother and SIL to do so in person. You need to apologise also.

However, it needs to be sincerely meant and based on you both understanding how badly you have behaved. If you do it in any half-hearted way or attempt to make some excuse, it will make matters worse.

I think you will be very fortunate to ever repair these relationships fully. I'm appalled by your posts.

Suck it up, go see your son and daughter in law. Express how mortified you are. Apologise for missing the wedding. No family rifts are going to be healed by you choosing to die on this hill. Congratulations on your first grandchild.

Your daughter is now 28 and presumably no longer lives with you so there is no reason why you cannot live your life independent of her and go where you choose, ie visit your son and daughter-in-law, see his little family.

The rift has gone on for too long. Your daughter was wrong but nobody died and I'm sure she is sorry. Your daughter-in-law and, by association, your son are hanging on to a grudge. This is punishing you, I can hardly believe you didn't go to their wedding.

Whilst it seems they overreacted, I can't believe you don't go to your sons wedding or meet your grandchild. You can be upset on your DD behalf without impacting your relationship with your DS and DGC.

You might not like what you're hearing but the reality is you need to accept your son and daughter aren't forced to have a relationship with anyone. You might not like that but it's just reality.

Even though you refused to go to the wedding or visit unless your daughter was included they still invited you which means your relationship with them is salvageable. They haven't become angry or bitter that you always prioritise your daughter.

Be completely honest with yourself. Imagine your life in 5, 10, 20 years time, when you never met your grandkids. It won't matter who is right or wrong because you'll never get that time back, those childhood memories and opportunity for a close family bond will be gone forever.

I think you need to contact your son and say you're sorry about the relationship with his sister but you respect they have to make their own decisions and you'd love to visit without her. Stop trying to force them to agree to your conditions because you're the one who loses in the end.