Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

'she thought only we could see/hear' but Dil DID hear. If it was my DD I would have had her apologise straight away. However, should anyone hear another slagging them off - I doubt they'd find it easy to forgive either. Your son is in a horrible position and you need to be the adult here. Whilst she's entitled to her opinion, your daughter was totally in the wrong here.

I haven’t read the entire thread, so apologies if someone else has already pointed this out, but your thread title is quite telling; ‘Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd’. She isn’t trying to ruin anything. You and your DD are managing to do that all by yourselves. It speaks volumes that you’re trying to shift the blame onto your DiL though, even though all she has done is refuse to tolerate your DD’s shit.

You can obviously remain in contact with both your DS and DD separately. Your DD made her choices, your DS made his in response. It's sad that your DC don't get on but that doesn't mean you get to guilt trip people into doing what you want.

It's so awful that you missed your own child's wedding and seeing your GC. You're an awful parent. You should be ashamed.

Your dd was being a bitch and got caught. It's not dils fault she overheard its your dds fault for being a bitch in the first place. You are being unreasonable and minimising your dds actions. Tell your dd to suck it up and go and apologise and you should too. Dont blame your ds or dil at all for not wanting to be around your dd.

You are making the situation worse by over defending your DD.

It would be better if you apologised to DIL and DS for the last 4 years and showed them support.

Through feeling supported, they may start to get over it.

But if you continue your current actions, it pushes DIL and DS to have to make more of a stand and punishes your grandchild which is horrible.

I think OP expected the consensus to agree with her, but instead was given the opposite and told her son was actually right.

OP talks about how hurt her daughter is but her daughter is obviously not that hurt if she isn’t willing to apologise for what she did.

OP chose to support her daughter’s actions and still does yet wants to blame her DIL for her actions in choosing not to be present in her son’s life. How many grandparents refuse to see their grandchildren because they couldn’t come with their other children?

As I said upthread, I doubt this is the first time she has chosen her daughter’s side over her son and probably not the first time the daughter mocked his wife. I also doubt this one instance and non-apology is the only time her son has had issues with his sister. If they were close, the sister would have long apologised and been at the wedding if they cared about their sibling.

This does ring all too true alas. My sister has very little to do with her in-laws. Her BIL tried to cause problems within the wider family by telling lies about her and her husband (his brother). He was caught out, but has refused to apologise.

Instead of telling him to do the decent thing and apologise, his parents have taken BIL's side. He's always been the golden child, of course.

So I can quite see how someone would be as oblivious as OP - she even uses the same kind of minimising that sister's in-laws do.

OP, you need to get honest with yourself and firstly recognise that your daughter has behaved really, really badly. Tell her to apologise, sincerely, and stop enabling her to think her behaviour was in any way ok or excusable.

And then apologise yourself to your son and daughter-in-law, for the abysmal way you have treated them both. I imagine this is not all you have to apologise to your son for.

I truly hope this is a reverse. But I somehow doubt it.

It wasn't just your DD who I insulted DIL in this scenario.

By watching DD openly mock her while not objecting, you were complicit.

I think this is why you defend DD to such an extreme - to deflect from that you also didn't take to DIL and openly let DD make fun of her.

My apologies

The most difficult 6 words in the English language are to say ”I admit I made a mistake.”
It wouldn’t be a bad idea for you and your daughter to go to your son and his wife and express remorse for everything, all the way back to “the mocking,” and ask forgiveness for it and find a way forward.
Maybe take a bouquet of flowers and a nice bottle of wine and a gift for the baby.
Think of something genuine to say, and not just platitudes.

you didn’t attend his wedding, you have completely taken your daughters side, why should your son apologise. The only person causing you to miss out on your grandchild is you.

I don't think the grandchild is being punished by being by not getting to know OP, in fact they are probably better off without her, OP and her daughter sound incredibly self involved and toxic.

This is all the DIL needs to know that you don't think DD has done anything wrong.

So you've picked your DD at the expense of your son and grandchild. Well done.

@worldlyweather You need to edit your post's title to:

'DD ruined my relationship with DIL'

Please, read through all the threads on here, take in the advice and then repair your relationship with your son, his wife, your grandchildren.

Or don't and stop moaning about it.

I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister

Why? You should be trying to get your DD to put things right with your DIL.

I can’t believe you didn’t go to the wedding and haven’t met your grandchild.

It is your DD who is in the wrong here, not your DS or DIL. Why on earth are you punishing them and cutting your nose off to spite your face??

Have I understood you correctly - you have elected to never meet your grandson unless your DD is also invited?

Your poor DS, he just be heartbroken. Well done to him for standing up for his wife against his toxic family.

If you do actually want to fix things, ring him this instant, beg for forgiveness and ask when you can please meet prescious grandchild.

Also, if your DD was a good person, she would have apologised by now and done everything she could have to heal the rift considering her actions have had such an impact. She has stood by and done nothing whilst her own mother has missed her son’s wedding and the birth of a grandchild. Shocking behaviour of your DD.

You should both apologise, can’t see what DiL has done wrong. D has behaved badly and it seems you have condoned her behaviour. I’m surprised you’ve got an invite at all from DiL.

I see why your son & his wife are maintaining the stance. Your daughter wouldn’t even apologise?

Does she not believe she winged her SIL?

So DD was being nasty, you didn't think to stop her, you have not told her she needs to apologise, you are choosing DD over going to DS wedding and now your GC. If you don't do something positive soon, ie go and see your GC (and leave rude DD at home) you will never recover the relationship and you & GC will miss out. This has been festering for 4 years - give it up now.

This sounds pretty nasty. It’s not funny to mock someone and you were basically in on it too. Surprised she hasn’t also cut you off!

You think it's fine because the dil wasn't meant to hear?

It's really not dil who is the problem here.

OP, I don’t know if you will be back but I really hope that your eyes have been opened by this thread to how blinkered and unfair you have been, and hope that you try and resolve it with your DS to see your grandchild. If your DD will be angry with you it doesn’t matter, she is the one who messed it up. Though you should have called her out at the time.

I don't think any of this matters anymore OP. You refused to go to your sons wedding and you have refused to meet your first grandchild.

At this point you'd be incredibly lucky if your son will even entertain you, let alone his sister. I would be telling you both to piss off.

You picked sides, not only shouldn't you have but you picked wrong. Your DD was the one that screwed up and she hasn't even said sorry FFS.

Team DIL.

Dil has done absolutely nothing wrong. If you can't why she should apologise you are just as bad!