Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

🤣 Do we only issue apologies if we kill someone?

I never notice or suspect sock puppeting, but I really do here. That, or this poster has been in an almost identical situation and acted as poorly as the OP.

This is exactly what I was thinking. It’s made me question whether this is a real situation or not.
If it is she and her DD are not nice people at all.

Oh the daughter is here to do a fake post to back her mother up! 😂
don’t think this will turn the tide of replies tbh.

You should consider yourself really lucky that your son and dil still invite you to be a part of their lives. Your behaviour has been complicit with your daughter’s and if I were in their shoes, I would have been really tempted not to have anything to do with you either. I can’t understand why you weren’t sympathetic to dil and insist that your d apologise?

So just to clarify, your 24 year old daughter mocked a young woman who was a guest in your home, has never apologised and your DIL is being unreasonable?

What did you do ? Laugh? Tell her not to be so unkind? Join in? If your daughter had been 4 years old her behaviour might have been understandable, although any decent mother would have explained how she was being unkind and made her apologise.

But for a 24 year old to behave like this and for you to condone it just beggars belief. It's probably way too late to put this right. But at the very least you both need to apologise sincerely, Can't you see what your nasty behaviour has already cost you? Missing your son's wedding. Not knowing your grandson? Holding my newborn grandson was one of the highlights of my life.

Just in case you haven't got it yet, I'll spell it out.

Your adult daughter's behaviour was disgusting.

Your behaviour is no better.

Grow up the pair of you and send grovelling apologies.

Ye no one is going to agree you're reasonable

She could, and should, have apologised at the time

She was 24 not a child!

This is on you

Op agrees it was unkind - I agree with op that this is not "no contact" worthy - anyone that goes nc over that is ott imo.

Hello, OP 😂

After this update I agree entirely with your son and you are lucky he is prepared to talk to you the way you have backed up your daughter .

Please let this be a reverse . Surely no one is so deluded as to think DD should not apologise and then refuses to go to their child’s wedding or meet a grandchild because They would rather cut their nose off to spite their face. Surely this is a reverse….

I think the no contact is not because she mocked her, but because she mocked her then didn’t apologise and was not sorry for humiliating her.

WTF? How is the DS a prick?

More to the point though, how is the OP a good mum? She refused to go to her son’s wedding and refuses to meet her grandchild.
Your bar for good parenting is somewhere down in the gutter.

Sorry meant to quote a PP

The OP doesn’t think her daughter should have to apologise though.

But the mother is going no contact unless she can force her daughter into their house. She's refused to go to her son's wedding, enter his home, or see her grandchild unless she can crowbar her daughter in every time.

And it isn't up to the mother what her DIL and SIL do about his sister. Also seems highly likely, given the mother's approach since, that this was the straw that broke the camel's back for her son.

1 your DIL deserved an apology.

1. You should have gone to your sons wedding.

1. You should have met your grandchild.

You're punishing your son even though your daughter was particularly unpleasant mocking your DIL.

You and your daughter are cut from the same cloth, which
will cause a permanent schism.

Dd has had 4 years to find a way to apologise.

Given you didn't tell her off at the time, you're lucky not to have been excluded yourself.

I can't believe you're willing to miss your whole life because your son refuses to be manipulate.

You are making this choice not mean old son and dil. Dd loves being the victim and if you're foolish enough to involve yourself by letting her rule the roost then shame on you, you're reaping what you sow.

I am sad you've missed out on so much of your son's life because DD has not had the grace to apologise. Of course she should. Would you like to know someone was rude about you? I wouldn't. It wouldn't have been hard to have said 'sorry for being silly and immature, I didn't mean it' four years ago. Now it's much harder.

I'd suggest DD writes a heartfelt letter saying she's sorry for what she did and sorry that she didn't apologise sooner, she loves her brother and would love to meet her nephew, and spend time with the three of them as a family.

You should also apologise for not having encouraged DD to apologise before now, and say that you have now done so and hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive you both. Hopefully they will and all will be better. If DD won't apologise that's her decision but you shouldn't then refuse to attend things she isn't invited to because she chose that outcome.

@worldlyweather Your Daughter isn't a child- {I was expecting her to be 12} - she is just going to have to apologise for mimicking her SIL.

It's ridiculous that it has gone on for so long - It must have been severe and touching a nerve for the SIL to have taken such umbrage and for your son to have gone along with it, if he and his sister used to be close.

One of my brothers used to have his GF to stay over a lot, and it really irritated a sibling who was still at home.

Try and make amends as a family.

DD sounds horrible. So it was OK to mock DiL behind her back and it was DiL's fault she's upset?
No sign of any remorse, no apology? That's nasty.
There's a saying, "You reap what you sow."

Whole heartedly agree with this

Your dd should have properly apologised at the time. Good on your son for defending his wife.

The only person taking sides is you.

Apologies to your son and dil and start to build a relationship back up with them

I'm afraid that's ridiculous. The point is your dil did hear it and was hurt. Your daughter should have apologised to her.

Instead you backed her and showed her that no matter what her behaviour, she will always be right. And because of this you have alienated your son and grandchild.

Even the fact that you told your son to sort it says a lot. It's your daughters fault, not his.

So she couldn't pick up the phone, sent a text, arrive unexpected with an apology. Again nonsense. She needs to grow up

Exactly.

An apology at the time would have lanced the boil before it had a chance to suppurate into a four year standoff.

No one can be happy with the situation as it is, but an apology needs doing.

I am proud of your DIL and DS standing their ground!👏
If they didn't, your DD would continue mocking (bullying) her and then possibly turn on their kids!

You should have known better but sadly it looks like you will always side with your precious DD who thought she was in primary school at the age of 24!

I really hope your DIL continues to keep her distance from your DD.

If there is one person in this whom my heart absolutely bleeds for - sorry as I am for the DIL - it is the OP's son. It is his own family who is treating him so abominably. The OP has made it so plain to him by her behaviour that he is not loved or valued as much as his sister, and that she is the favourite; the OP would rather forgo his wedding and a relationship with her GC than support him as her other child.

I don't believe this is the first time he has been treated like this, and families like these are gruelling to be a part of when growing up.