Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Your ds is a prick, btw

Why?

And here we seem to have another pal of the mum's......

Your response is even worse, minimising and justifying! She was 24, a full blown adult. You are both so out of order, not to mention deluded! I feel so sorry for your son's partner but glad he has supported her in this. I'd have done the same if I was her too.

How many user names can one person have!

Are @EI12 and @SecondFavouriteDinosaur and @worldlyweather the same person?

I thought sock puppeting wasn't allowed on here.

The woman is 28 years not a 10 year old being left at home.

I think you left it too long op to do anything about it. I mean I also wouldn't throw my dd under the bus nor my son but you could have utilised that 4 years to rebuild that relationship at least to a low contact, friendly . For me to cut my sil off for mocking me would be very low contact but there's probably more to the story that you aren't telling us prior to the mocking and the mocking was probably the last straw. I feel sorry for your son and don't blame your dil!

Do you have any idea what it feels like to be a newcomer to a family, be terrified of making a good impression, to try your absolute best to fit in with your partner's family because your partner means so much to you and you just want them to accept you? Can you then imagine then how gutwrenching it is to know that they worse than dislike you, they think you're nothing but a laughing stock existing only for them to mock. And then when you catch your in-laws doing this they believe you to be so unworthy of respect that they have absolutely no humility about what they've done. Fuck that shit. DIL and son are better without them. They are worth so much more than that and good on them for realising it

You are the parent/ grandparent and it is time for you to step up and work towards peace and reconciliation, rather than take sides (unfairly, too) and make excuses for your daughter.
If your son is willing to accept estrangement from his family even with a new child, chances are there was a lot more to it, and your son may have decided to step away for his and their own wellbeing.

@Abbylikeswine if the (very much adult) daughter had apologised sincerely and DIL still kept up a full no contact stance, I might have a bit of sympathy with the OPs approach. A bit. However she has NOT apologised, doesn't think she should and her daft mother agrees with her, to the detriment of her relationship with her own son and grandchild. All this demonstrates is favouritism and I do wonder if this was the straw that broke DS's back in terms of what he, let alone DIL, will tolerate.

Why hasn't she apologized?

Why was she being a nasty bully and why did you encourage and support it?

Why are you excusing her behavior and choosing defending her over having a relationship with you son and grandson?

You seem to be the problem, you raised her to think this is ok and still are taking that stance... it was NOT ok. YOUR behavior after this is NOT ok either. YOU have firmly taken side and cut off your DS and innocent grandchild.

They do not need to have her in their life, actions have consequences. They seemingly are better off without you too.

@worldlyweather absolutely no sympathy for you!! you chose to be on your daughter's side and she has made no attempt to apologise!!

Eh? I’ve posted fully in support of the DIL 🤷🏻‍♀️

😂😂😂

This is not about trying to prove who is right and who is wrong. OP - put yourself in your DILs and your DS shoes. DIL must have been so upset to hear your DD mocking her. Then for your DIL and DS to be told it was just a joke and get over it. A joke is not a joke if no one is laughing and your DS and DIL made it clear that they were hurt by your DDs actions. Imagine how upset and hurt your DS must feel that you are missing out on your first grandchild, with time with them. You are so lucky they have invited you. Don't throw that opportunity away - you may not have that again. By seeing your DS and his family again, you are not taking sides and you can have the chance to talk.

She needs to apologise.
Oh, and you're definitely choosing your DD over your DS. His wife and child are his family, the one he chose. You need to decide whether you want to be excluded from this part of your family, or if you make the decision to seperate your DD's behaviour from the relationship you have with your DS. Given your DS & DDiL are willing to include you, but not your daughter, you could take a neutral position, and have seperate (but equal) relationships with them both....

Yeh but I'd have enough empathy and self-awareness that if they found out I'd be mortified and grovel to them til the end of time especially if it was somebody important to me. And if it was my sister in law I'd be basically forcing my mum to be staying out of the argument and maintain a relationship with my brother and his child not being so stubborn and narcicistic that the whole family misses out with bonding with my brother's child.

@worldlyweather is apparently not as thick as she appears - as she's clearly not popping back to defend the indefensible

Four years ago this happened....wow.

So your 24 year old daughter basically took the piss out of her brothers girlfriend and NEVER tried to apologise.

You didn't attend your own sons wedding because your 24 year old daughter wasn't invited.

You've NEVER seen your Grandchild because you're sticking with your daughter who insulted the ,now, wife of her brother .

If this is true you're a disgrace and your son is right.

I have come to the conclusion that DIL is canny, could see this was a toxic combination (mother / daughter) and she would face similar situations in future. I applaud her for cutting them off, I really do.

This has to be a wind-up.

Your adult daughter was horrible about her SIL in her presence. She has never apologised for this. You say how could she, if they won't see her. Oh, I dunno, OP - ever heard of Interflora?

Reasonably, she wasn't invited to SIL's wedding - who would want to be made to feel like shit on her wedding day, by someone who can't even admit she behaved badly. So you then decided to skip your own son's wedding to show solidarity to the child who had behaved appallingly to the bride. You didn't even stay neutral. You sided utterly with the one in the wrong.

Even after all of this you have been invited to your son's home, but they aren't prepared for your daughter to join you in visiting. That's their only boundary. Their home. Not yours. So you are now refusing to visit your son in his own home unless you get to bring along your daughter. If they won't let you, you won't go at all.

Nobody is insisting you can't see your daughter any other time you like. They just don't want her in their own lives. They're not trying to stop you seeing her, speaking to her, spending time with her - they just don't want to themselves. Frankly, why would they?

And how do you react? You won't see your son or your grandchild unless they let you call the shots, and favour your golden child even more than you already are.

And you characterise all of this as them trying to ruin your relationship with your daughter!?

Bloody hell. MIL from, in fact.

It's looking as though the pp who said op won't be back was right. The weight of opinion is against op - just not what she wants to hear.

Well done DIL, what an awful family to have married into.

She could write to them, bloody families

Right! Poor girl.