Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

What your daughter did was bloody awful and it's to be expected that there are consequences.

It doesn't even seem like she gives much of a shit either, regardless how 'heartbroken' she claims to be. Your daughter could at any point have approached them and apologised. A phone call. A letter. A text.

And no, it's not ok to mock people just because you don't think they know.

Who walks into their house and randomly starts mocking someone? That's so weird.

Such a casual and random thing to do simply sent the clear message to your dil that mocking her was quite normal in your house and quite likely something you either ignored, condoned or participated in.

your son, rightly, has chosen to support his partner.

Now you can carry on choosing to not be a part of your grandchild's life but I guarantee it's only you that will suffer for it.

Or you could eat humble pie and perhaps be a part of your grandchild's life separately from your daughter.

One thing you don't get to do is control the situation or force them to sweep what your daughter did under the rug.

You picked your side. You chose your daughter over your son. No matter how much you pretend otherwise. You're still doing it every time you try to make your son be the one to back down instead of suggesting your daughter apologise.

You have the right to make that choice. You just have to accept the consequences of that choice and not moan about it or act like you're a victim here. You're not. Nor is your daughter. She got caught out doing something spiteful and in a way that it was crystal clear that it was a regular thing.

24! I thought you were going say 14.

At the time she should have apologised in person. If that wasn't possible, then a hand written apology and flowers would have been an option.

Edited to say sorry, I quoted the wrong post. Blame my Frenchie. She has done a silent but deadly one and I am hanging out the patio door trying to get some air 🤣🤣

Well I will concede that my comment about the wine drinking was uncalled for, I accept that. But then again this poster has been called out by several people for her misogyny, and she herself isn't averse to rudeness having upthread called another poster 'egotistical and strange'.

She seems pretty back to me.

This is awful.and even more awful to have her new in laws involved in the piss taking. And to not apologise for FOUR YEARS??!! Because “she can’t”???? What a load of bollocks.

she was horrid. She was caught being horrid. Instead of apologising profusely and being open about any misgivings or problems she had with this woman, like an adult, she just played the victim. Backed up by you.

and to know dd felt ok to say these things to you, means dd knew you probably felt the same. How bad would you feel as DIL?!

you should not have taken her side. You should have insisted she apologised. Writing a letter and sending texts. And keep apologising over the years until they forgave. Instead she doubled down on her shittyness by not even making an effort to apologise and has continued to be an arsehole for FOUR YEARS! And you have neglected your son and grandchild for this?!!!!!!!!!!

literally can’t believe how someone can play the victim this much

Absolutely this. Way to advertise who your favourite child is!

Daughter sounds a bit of a bitch and you're completely minimising and defending her.

The title of this thread is extremely outrageous considering that your daughter has never apologised!!

You haven't been very smart about this. It would have made more sense to keep close to your DS & DIL as your DD was clearly in the wrong and feelings have been hurt. You could have helped to mediate but you've just started a war by choosing sides. How on earth will your DIL & DS ever trust you? And you've missed out on so much and caused them great upset at important times is their lives. It sounds like they've given you a lot of chances to change your mind - kudos to them.

In a nutshell. You and your daughter sound toxic. But I guess it's you missing out on a relationship with your son and grandson, doubt your DIL will miss your presence!

Wow your dd was a total bitch and never apologised then you didn't attend your own sons wedding.

You have so much to apologise for

Ah right, so sounds like dil was a joke to you and your dd and you/your partner poss?
Ds and dil well out of the nastiness...
How many times have you and dd uttered "omg it's just a jooooke"...?? And she was 24? Ridiculous.

Least your son knows he will always come second to his sister in your eyes. Hopefully he will cut all ties with you soon and move on with his life and his family. He deserves better than you.

I'm sure it been said but how disprectful to your son. I'm sure if it was dil make fun of sil there would be hell to pay.

I also sense perhaps you have different standards and morals to dil (lower)

Over 500 responses say YABU and your DD is to blame here.

I wonder if you will take any heed of this? Presumably not considering you have willingly sacrificed a relationship with your own DGC in favour of your adult DDs poor behaviour.

Exactly. Am sure not the only one hoping dil is on mumsnet so she can get validation that her in-laws are batshit, and that even now her mil cares nothing about her, the ds or any dgc. The main thing for the OP is 'poor dd, she's not getting her own way ...

😂

OP, it can’t be easy reading all these replies but please try and put yourself in your son’s shoes and imagine how hurt he must feel.

Write your son and DIL a sincere letter of apology. Admit you’ve been biased and try and build a relationship with your grandchild before it’s too late!

Yep your the problem OP . If your dd had offered a sincere apology thisnwouldnt have happened. No she shouldn't be mocking dil even if she thought was unseen and when she knew she was she definitely should have apologised sincerly. I think your ds is better off without you if this is how you would've treated his family in future years I can envisage the drama at every turn you taking dd side when quite clearly she is and was wrong. You need to do better.

The OP hasn't posted again since page 4...this thread is now on 24.
Don't think there's any point in chiming in to berate her now. She has gone.

How do you know it was the DIL who didn't invite the sister? OP just said the sister was excluded. Sounds like it was—at least—a joint decision, and quite possibly only the brother's.

MIL is expecting DIL to #bekind.

While DD #wasn’tkind. And MIL #isn’tkind.

As a mum of two adult kids, with families of their own (my grandchildren), I would suggest that you should never get in the middle of siblings squabbling.

Let them sort that out - just stay neutral, and maintain a relationship with everyone.🙂

Of course you don't have to ask your aunty for an apology for her rudeness. But you are saying the SiL should say what she wants ie she should ask for an apology.

I don't think @worldlyweather got the answers she was looking for, and I doubt that she will be back - unless this is a reverse.

You are a good mum, you did right. It was wrong of your dd to mock a guest, this is awful manners, but she did. She did not kill anyone, only your DIL pride was wounded. Leave them to it, don't force your dd to apologise - if she does not want to. Too late to do anything anyway. Your ds is a prick, btw.